-Present Day-
Maybe it was the first time I truly noticed him. Those first seconds when I started seeing him differently, with less criticism. Those soft glances are still in my mind. He was hiding there without ever losing himself, just like he said; like a black-and-white photograph. Always tucked away in a corner of my mind, and whenever he emerged, he left a bittersweet feeling inside me. It was a longing to return to those times, but unable to do so.
As darkness settled in, my friends, who never ended their day without following their usual traditions, began arriving at the café. While fresh tea was being poured into the glasses for them, we started chatting with a few snacks. Even though I tried hard not to show it, the conversation always ended up revolving around the Photographer.
I never gave them his name. Actually, I never gave his name to anyone. Not even to myself. Because if I did, I knew things would get harder for me. I held onto a hope within myself. Repeating his name would be like punishing myself. I'd be waiting for someone who might or might not show up again. That's why we just called him the Photographer.
Finally, doing myself a favor, I tucked him into a corner of my mind and turned back to my friends. Ümran was insistently and tirelessly rubbing Efil's growing belly. Efil was almost five months pregnant, and Ümran was more excited about it than she was.
I eventually scolded Ümran, "Enough, let the girl breathe." Ümran sighed and backed off, but immediately started speaking again as if she had just remembered something. "Oh, I almost forgot. I've set you up with a suitor. Don't even think about saying no, you're going to meet him. It's been so long, and you're still stuck on that Photographer. The one whose name you still haven't graced us with."
They had been forcing me to meet someone for years. This was mainly because I was the only single one in our group of friends. I didn't complain about it. The man who held my heart was perhaps the most beautiful man in the world. No matter how many cities I traveled to or how many men I met, none could compare to him. He was so enchanting, it felt like he was from another world, a magical realm. He was very special. My mind filled with thoughts of him again.
I sent Ümran a bittersweet smile. "I'm not complaining. He's very important to me." I confessed, lowering my gaze. My voice was filled with sorrow. Efil lightly tapped the table. "If you keep acting like this, you'll end up alone in your house with cats! You didn't date anyone even before the amazing Photographer came along. After he entered your life, you shut yourself off. This isn't good for you. You need to move on with your life. Look, Efil is pregnant. I'm getting married in the summer. Ravza and Cemre are engaged. They'll have their weddings soon too. And you'll grow old, pining for the Photographer!"
She had every right to be angry with me. But even I couldn't do anything about it. He had entered my life so suddenly and had broken through my walls, settling in my heart before I even realized it. I knew I was getting older. But there was nothing I could do. I had fallen into a love that still pained me. And I couldn't forget someone who was so precious to me so easily.
"Stop pushing the girl, Ümran. If she wanted to, she would've done it herself already." The first to come to my rescue was Cemre. She had always tried to protect me from Ümran's attacks. The second one was Ravza. Both of them considered love important and believed it wasn't easy to find. They had been my biggest supporters so far. They knew more about what we had been through in Somalia than anyone else.
If Ümran and Efil knew anything about those days, they would think we came out of a drama series. Our Romantic-Drama life was always sad. And I wanted to be happy now. But I couldn't. It felt like I had to live all those beautiful emotions only with him.
"Cemre is right, Ümran. How many suitor dates has it been? I'm really curious what you found this time?" Ravza had defended me half-jokingly. If they pushed me any further, it could become hurtful.
Ümran's finds up until now were really... How could she pair me with all those men? Yes, I might be 27, but I had my preferences. Preferences that started with the Photographer. He could meet all my needs alone. And the worst part was that very few people in the world ever found their true love.
"What was that last one? Oh my God, remember how old he seemed even though we were the same age? You owe me those few hours!" I reminded Ümran of my frustration. I couldn't judge anyone, but the man and I were really worlds apart. My first reaction when I saw him was that I could never enter a relationship with him. Even his speech and mannerisms were incredibly annoying.
"Okay, you're right, but listen to me. For now, set the Photographer aside and give the new guy a chance. His name is Hakan. He's 31, the general manager of a cosmetics company. He's the best in his field and travels abroad frequently. Besides English, he also speaks Italian well. And here's what I think will catch your attention the most: he writes books."
We all listened to Ümran with our mouths open, wondering how she found someone so good. She showed us a picture of a moderately handsome man in a suit, looking perfect, and we were all stunned by his appearance. We didn't know there were still such well-groomed men in Turkey. Just from the photo, he exuded the air of a company owner.
The guy really did look cool. It was like he was saying, "I break the stereotype that such people only exist in fiction." His face was handsome, and he had taken care of not just his face but his body too. He had a well-built body, and the suit he wore fit him beautifully. His black hair was neatly styled, and he had fair skin. Without thinking, I looked at his hands in the picture. Even his hands were beautiful.
I stood in awe. "So, what do you think?" Ümran watched me as I blinked a few times. I remembered the Photographer, who was just 24 back then. He didn't have a well-built body at that time. He was tall and had wheat-colored skin. And his hands were definitely a world of their own. I wondered how the 30-year-old Photographer looked now. I'm sure his face had matured more. Had his already attractive face become even more striking? Had he turned into someone perfect while chasing his dreams?
I started comparing Hakan to the Photographer. I didn't know Hakan yet. But the Photographer still sat on the throne I had placed him on. He had a beautiful smile. But that smile was more like "only I can own your heart." He sat confidently on his throne. And I could almost hear him whisper, "No matter what... These feelings are just for the two of us. Don't forget that, Derin."
I sighed. Even a single thought of him captivated me and pushed me back into waiting thoughts. With my heart aching, I moved away from the phone and leaned back. As I took a sip of tea, I realized my trembling heart wouldn't stop.
"You're perfect. Just the kind of guy Derin wants. How did you find this one, girl?" Efil had already started speaking excitedly. Ümran leaned back confidently and began to speak, "I find them, girl, haven't you learned that yet?" She let out a proud laugh. "Even I'm curious, how do you know this guy?"
Ümran began explaining. "He's a high school friend of Kerim's. They recently ran into each other by chance. When I saw him, the first person that came to my mind was you. And when I explained this to Kerim, he thought the same. According to Kerim, he was always well-groomed in high school and got teased for it. But even Kerim didn't expect him to rise so high now."
So, there were people who entered someone's life and lived well. I couldn't help but think. Maybe since I was trying to open and run this café and doing something for myself, could I be among those successful people too?
"But he's really a good guy. Like he stepped out of a Korean drama." Ravza showed her admiration. She glanced at me. "So what do you think this time?" Ravza looked at me with hesitant eyes. I shrugged. Before I could answer, I moved to the cashier to pay the daily wage of a student worker who came to quit.
My employee had arrived just in time. And thanks to her, I could think a little. The guy really did look good. But what did "just the kind of guy Derin wants" mean? What kind of person did I want? Handsome, tall, well-built, cultured... These didn't fully describe the person I wanted. Yes, everyone wants someone decent-looking in their life. And they want to start and end their day with such a person. But I was more than that. Before meeting the Photographer, I had this thought: "If he has money and is somewhat handsome, I can marry him no matter what."
But after meeting him, my thought changed. And thanks to him, I understood the
value of love. Even if it was a love lived only through memories, it gave me feelings no one else could. And I realized that I wanted just one person. Someone who, when I leaned on him, made me believe time had stopped. Someone who, when I said I wanted to lean on him and rest a bit, would comfort me... When he reached out his hand to me, instead of having bad thoughts, I wanted him to hold my hand just to feel me. I wanted to fully experience the word love.
Actually, I didn't have a specific person I wanted. I had just one person I needed.
As I returned to the table, all these thoughts lined up in my mind, already giving me reasons to cancel the meeting with that guy. As I sat down with a bittersweet smile, I asked. If no date was set yet, I would reject the offer, but if it was, I guess I'd have to endure a few hours.
"Did your employee leave?" I nodded in agreement. "So, what do you think? But let me remind you again, the guy is very busy, and we barely managed to arrange this meeting. You have no choice but to go!"
Ümran had cornered me. I had to go for her sake, didn't I? I nodded in agreement. "I guess it would be rude to refuse my friend," I exhaled calmly. Ravza squeezed my hand under the table to give me strength. As I looked at her, Ümran continued talking.
"Thursday at one o'clock. Please last more than an hour. I think you can do it. For once, forget about that boy – actually, he must be a man by now – and focus on your future. You're the only single one at this table."
That was true. Maybe I should listen to my close friend and focus on what was happening around me. But could I do it? I didn't know. As the time passed, Ümran's fiancé and Efil's husband joined us, and we had a sweet chat. And finally, the topic came back to me. "Derin agreed to the date." Kerim let out a relieved sound.
"That guy was weird even in high school, but now... He's really impressive. But he's a good person. Don't worry, if I knew even a slight bad thing about him, I wouldn't set you up with him. Trust your brother-in-law."
Kerim was just like Ümran. I smiled at his words and nodded. "Thank you for going through so much trouble because of me," Kerim cracked his fingers. "Just forget that guy who doesn't come to you. If he had loved you, he would've found you by now. If a man loves, he strives to win over the one he loves, no matter what. Give Hakan a chance. Forget that bastard..."
His insult made me angry. My brows furrowed. I could feel the anger coursing through my veins. "Kerim, watch your words! Don't you feel the urge to kill? Even my hair stood on end,"
Efil's husband spoke as if mocking me. Really, I don't like you two. I endure you only because you're loved by my friends. I rolled my eyes. "Stop talking nonsense. Let's go. But on the other hand, Kerim is right, Derin. After all these years, has he really forgotten you? If he's still in your heart, he would've found you by now!"
I nodded in agreement. "Don't worry, this time I'll give myself a chance." As I got up from the table, I hugged and said goodbye to Ümran and Efil. I turned to Ravza and Cemre. My shoulders had slumped. Had he really forgotten me?
"Derin..." Ravza hugged me while Cemre squeezed my hand. "Don't think about bad things anymore. I'm sure they've never felt what you feel." Cemre supported me again. "Exactly! Don't be sad, my angel. Everything will be great."
I nodded. I struggled to hold back the tears from falling. "Thank you for standing by me. But even I feel like I'm in a dead-end now. Sometimes I wonder if I should turn back instead of moving forward. Ümran and Efil are right. Years have passed. I'm sure he has forgotten me by now. Right?" My voice trembled.
I lowered my head. "Don't give up, Derin. Years ago, he promised you. He asked you to wait for him. I'm sure many things have happened to him, which is why he still hasn't found you." Ravza's voice softened my heart. I smiled at them. "I'm fine. It's late; you should go now. I'll finish up and leave soon."
I forced them to go home, and to listen to some music, I turned on the radio. A sad song was playing. I moved to the corner I had set up for Van Gogh and sat down at the table. I started eating the mixed nuts I had taken in my hand. When I had eaten ten cashews from the mixed nuts, I would leave the café. This was one of the traditions I always did.
One reason for spending my time searching for cashews in the bowl was that I didn't want to go home early. The earlier I went home, the sooner my emotions would catch up with me. And I would again spend the night imagining him.
As the song on the radio ended, the DJ's voice came through. "You're listening to Heart FM. A listener who sent a message says this: Why is love so hard? Why does waiting for someone and the longing we feel while waiting hurt so much? How much longer do I have to wait for him? What more do I have to do for him to see me? Is it time to give up on this love? How much longer do I have to wait for you to be mine? DJ, please play the saddest song on your list for me. Maybe through this, those feelings that deeply wound my heart can reach him."
These words felt like they were spoken for me. After reading the message, the DJ played a sad song. I bowed my head. I gave up eating cashews. I pressed my nails into my fingers hard enough to make them bleed. Why had I waited so long for him?
Six years. For six years, I waited without hesitation. For six years, I let no one else into my heart. I didn't want the feelings he gave me to be spoiled by anyone else. Tears that I had been holding back for a long time welled up in my eyes again.
Why couldn't I tear him from my mind even once? Why couldn't I stop thinking about him for a moment? Why was he so important to me? I slowly turned my head to the right and spoke to Van Gogh, who was watching me. "Why can't I give up on him, master? Is it because he's as precious to me as your paintings are to you?" I paused and took a deep breath to soothe myself, hoping it would ease the weight on my chest. But there was no change. The weight stayed there. Only he could lift that weight when he came. I no longer had the strength to lift it alone. "I'm so tired. Even though I know we can't watch starry nights together anymore, why can't I move on?"
When I looked up at Van Gogh, he stood there with his usual sad gaze, never taking his eyes off me. He showed me that he was just as sad as I was. I tried to smile, but my trembling breath didn't allow it. I needed to know that everything was over.
As I examined the painting, the light that caught my eye distracted me, and I turned my gaze to the street. The road was empty, with someone walking a bit ahead, busy with their phone. Maybe it was their flashlight that was on. Finally, finding the tenth cashew, I grabbed my bag and, after a final check inside, stepped outside.
As I walked away from the café, the excitement I felt in my heart began to shake me again. My heart pounded as if it would burst out of my chest, and I didn't want to attribute this excitement to something good again. Whenever my heart raced like this, I always thought it was because of the Photographer, thinking I would run into him. Sometimes, I even imagined he was behind me. I had been doing this for six years. I started to feel my hopes slowly fading. No matter how wildly my heart beat, I knew it was just in vain.
Finally, unable to bear it, I clutched my chest and took a quick glance at the sky. When was the last time I had seen the stars? Why wasn't this bright moon illuminating me? It felt like with each step I took, my sky grew darker. With each step, it was covered more by dark clouds, signaling the start of a storm. I don't even remember the last time my sky was blue. I had been living in this gloomy weather for a long time.
I clutched my bag tightly and tried to keep those memories at bay. No matter how hard I tried, in the end, all the images appeared, and I found myself reliving my experiences as if watching from the outside. And each time I remembered, those beautiful memories would enchant me again, making me feel like I had just lived them yesterday.