- Six Years Ago -
I was in the middle of a warm breakfast with all the volunteers. Everyone in the team had broken into groups and settled at tables to enjoy their meals. Generally, people who spoke the same language sat together. There were volunteers from six different countries: Indonesia, Kazakhstan, Azerbaijan, France, Japan, and Turkey.
It felt nice to be here, helping out with people from different countries. The seven people at our table had already started to bond. Although they came from different countries, they all lived in Turkey, and most were students. Except for one person. He hadn't come down for breakfast yet, and we hadn't seen each other since our brief conversation a few days ago. I shook my head. I didn't need to think about him... I was in the middle of a small chat with my roommate. But since we weren't very close yet, and I didn't know what to talk about with her, I wasn't saying much.
Why was I always the one who held back, waiting for people to come to me? This was why I didn't have many friends. And the worst part was, even though there were many people around me, I couldn't call them true friends. "...and suddenly I found myself following him. As a result, I joined this group and got on the list of those coming here. But then I learned he decided not to come. Such a disappointment..." She spoke excitedly while I nodded and said, "Oh! That's bad. Why did he suddenly decide not to come?" as if I understood her. But no! How could you follow a guy you've just started to like like that?
Yes, it was a brave move, but wasn't the idea a bit crazy? I could never do something like that. Thinking about a guy, waiting for him for years, even following him... I didn't even know if I could love someone.
Even though we had just started talking, I was happy to be in the middle of a nice and warm conversation. I could have just sat quietly, finished my breakfast, and left. While I was grateful for that, I blinked at the familiar sound of a camera that I hadn't heard for a few days. Even though it didn't make sense, I knew he had arrived and looked up to see him. My eyes searched for him with an excitement I couldn't control while holding a cup of tea in mid-air.
I finally spotted him. He looked like an ordinary person as he filled his breakfast plate. But from the few words he said during our first conversation a few days ago, I knew he wasn't an ordinary person. He had a beautiful way of thinking for a guy. It was so magical, it felt like something out of a movie scene...
Even though I tried to lower my head, I couldn't understand why I was trying to watch him from the corner of my eye. Come on, Derin. You need to stay away from him. You're in a foreign country, and you can't get caught up in the strange aura of a guy! As I tried to give myself strength, I promised to follow through with this decision.
"Good morning..."
I looked at him again when the English words filled the hall. He was coming toward us with his plate in hand. Why was he sitting here when there were so many other tables? Why had the people at our table finished their breakfast and left so quickly? I bit my lip and tried to focus on my breakfast. Why was I acting so weird? When the morning greeting was returned, I finally heard the sound of a chair being pulled out. As he placed his plate on the table, he spoke again, this time in Turkish. "Good morning..." My roommate replied excitedly while I looked up at him. He was so focused on my face that it made me blush. He spoke with a big smile on his lips as he looked at me. "Good morning..."
A small cough escaped my throat as I nodded. "Oh... Good morning," My voice barely came out. Then, without thinking, I turned back to my breakfast, trying to calm down. Why had he looked at me with such a smile and gentle gaze? Oh, I felt strange and scared of this situation. I remembered how he had looked at his camera in the car last night. They were completely different. It was as if one of these expressions was hidden behind a mask.
"Friends, please listen to me. Today is our first day. We will first go to the impoverished areas. We will talk to families and leave the food boxes with them. There are many places to visit and limited time to do so. Therefore, we must be quick. Please prepare accordingly; we need to leave within an hour."
After the group leader briefly explained what we were doing and how important and good it was, he added a few more things. One of the reasons I agreed to come here in the first place was this. I needed to find my lost self. Within a month, I would fill my soul with beautiful things and continue with my life.
The introductory conversation continued from where it left off. My roommate asked him a few questions while he watched her carefully and listened to her questions. "So, how did you decide to come here?" He was about to put a piece of bread in his mouth. After giving himself a moment, he nodded and spoke. "I have traveled to many places to take photos. This time I wanted to help while coming here. I think it was the best decision I made..." The deep thoughts he had shared with me in the car were hidden. Even his tone of voice wasn't the same as it was then. Why was he trying to hide himself?
"So you take photos! Please, will you take my pictures too?"
I rolled my eyes. This is a classic. Everyone with a camera gets the same psychological pressure. And most try to avoid it by agreeing to the request. He was the same... I knew he would be the same. "Sorry... I don't take personal photos unless they catch my attention."
He surprised me. Wait a minute, what did he mean by that? He had my photos in his memory, yet he said he didn't want to take personal photos. But he had taken those without my permission. Oh, my head hurts. Does that mean I caught his attention? How? Why? We hadn't even met before. Last night he had started an artistic conversation with me in the car, even briefly. Now, there was no trace of that gentle tone directed at me. Why?
This wasn't good. Not at all. I wanted to get out of this situation as soon as possible. In this place where I would only stay for a month, I didn't want to be close or distant with anyone.
"Oh! I see... You're talking about privacy, huh?"
I frowned at the girl. What kind of reaction was that? Was that something you could say? I opened my mouth to shut her up. "Buse, I think we should respect everyone's preferences, right?" Didn't she think before the word "privacy" came out of her mouth? Why didn't people care about what they said? "I was just joking..." She defended herself while I looked at him involuntarily. He was looking at me with a strange expression. There was a slight smile on his lips. I felt tense. Why had I tried to defend him? Lowering my head, I finished the last bits of my meal and enjoyed my tea while glancing at the now quiet table.
And finally, my eyes were drawn back to him. He took the last piece of his sandwich bread, ate it, and picked up a new piece of bread, separating the edges. His head was slightly bent forward, and his lips puckered slightly as he chewed. It looked like there was a 10-year-old boy in front of me instead of a 20-year-old man. Yet I couldn't understand why he was so adorable.
The strange feeling inside me made me want to get up from the table quickly. I wished everyone a good meal and stood up. I couldn't help but look at him. He paused, bringing his bread to his mouth, smiled, and made his eyes look smaller. I couldn't handle the cuteness on his face anymore, and with embarrassment, I just bowed my head and smiled in return.
Finally, as I left the dining hall, the constant thought on my mind was why a guy could be so cute. The words he said last night, his tone of voice, the way he ate his bread, and his smile.
When I thought about it all together, the pain in my heart made me twist. Eventually, I couldn't stand it any longer and started scolding myself. I hadn't come here to be influenced by someone. The reason I came here was to pull myself together a little. I threw myself onto the bed and tried to rest for a while, trying to get the photographer boy out of my mind. Instead of filling myself with information about what kind of person he was, I needed to cleanse myself from the real ugly faces of people I had filled myself with.
After starting to let everyone into my life, thinking they were good-hearted like me, I began to get to know them. I wished at least one of them could have stayed the same as the day I first met them. The photographer was probably the same. My heart would be filled with pain again. There was no more room for pain in my heart. What I had now was more than enough.
One of the biggest mistakes I had made so far was this. Thinking everyone I met would be good and starting to value them. But before long, they would break me and leave without leaving me with even a bit of trust. Maybe I shouldn't have relied on anyone. But I was someone who had valued every person who had come into the world until today. Why didn't they try to keep those values?
People were really strange beings. No matter how hard I tried to understand, I just couldn't. While lying in bed, the photographer came to mind again. I was sure he was like the others. I didn't need to be influenced by him or be interested in him. I was sure he would be like everyone else in the end.
The person who broke through my thoughts and saved me from this torture was my other roommate, Meryem. We both got ready at the same time, packed our bags with the necessary items, and were about to go down to the lobby when Buse arrived and started preparing. My fifteen-minute wait turned into half an hour and then almost an hour, and I was getting more and more bored. We talked with Meryem from time to time, but eventually, our conversation would end.
Finally, after a long wait, the vehicles we had been waiting for arrived, and we set off. We left the not-so-luxurious city center and headed toward the villages under the scorching sun. I put on my MP3 player and continued to look out the window. All that was visible were sand dunes and a bright blue sky. Comparing this place to where I lived in Turkey, I decided that where I lived was heaven. This place was beautiful, but I couldn't live here.
After a hot and stifling journey, we finally reached the village settlements. I got out of the car and looked around. Women, men, and children dressed in dark clothes with dark skin. Their eyes turned toward us shortly, and the endless sound of the camera filled my ears. For a moment, I wondered why he didn't stop. Why did he keep taking pictures constantly?
The villagers began to surround us shyly. The group leader stepped forward, and as whispers filled the air, they reached me. "Turkey..." Hearing my country's name made my chest swell with pride. I didn't understand what they were saying, but hearing my country's name was enough for me.
I finally stopped the child who was constantly running around us and picked him up without hesitation. I tried to play and talk with him. But our conversation kept ending because neither of us spoke much English. Despite this, I couldn't stop loving him. The situation we always saw in pictures was there. His dark skin was thin and bony. I knew the swelling in his stomach was due to an illness. His smile was enough to bring me back to reality despite all this.
Then I knew it was time to put him down. Even though I wanted to hold him longer with my weak arms, I knew there was a limit. Reluctantly, I let him go and watched him run away, waving after him. These beautiful people didn't deserve to live this life. I felt sorry for them and pitied them. While thinking about all the opportunities in my city, they needed almost everything here.
As soon as I put the child down, we began to tour the village. Then I realized the sound of the camera hadn't been heard for a long time. I guess the boy had finally given up taking pictures.
Following the group leader, we entered the houses and started talking to the locals. Perhaps the number of people who spoke English didn't exceed five fingers on one hand. Sariya helped facilitate our conversations with the families. The eldest member of the family we visited was a woman in her eighties. She told us that the difficult living conditions that had persisted for years had improved somewhat in recent years. She proudly explained how people from other countries helped them, especially how Turkey stood by them. My chest swelled with pride, and I couldn't stop my eyes from watering.
The woman told us about the water problem they had faced for years. They carried water to their homes with buckets from wells they had dug with great difficulty over the years, and they didn't waste a single drop, not even letting their hair grow long. Because the soil wasn't fertile, they survived on very little produce. Although they were used to the drought and extreme heat, it pained her that the new generation had to endure these hardships.
Children were catching simple diseases that could be quickly treated in Turkey, but the health problems here were still the same. They didn't have hospitals, and it took hours to get to the nearest ones.
With teary eyes, the woman told us about the efforts of doctors who had come from abroad. Watching her excited grandchild running around the house, she shared her story with us. A few years ago, he had been bedridden for days with a high fever. They had tried to feed him by soaking dry bread. "He was still very small and weak. Habip, who lived in the village, worked in the city. One night, my child suddenly started vomiting and having malaria attacks.
Habip had a motorbike. In the middle of the night, I ran to his house in tears. God bless him... That night, without hesitation, he took my son to the city and got him to the hospital. Life is the greatest gift given to us. No matter how many hardships we endure, one day, we will be rewarded. That little life was saved thanks to a doctor who started working as a volunteer. And God granted us Hürser."
"I have lost many loved ones throughout my life. Hunger, drought, and disease took my husband, four children, and six grandchildren from me. Now my only family is my daughter-in-law, my son, and my little Hürser. God! Thank God for this... Thank God a thousand times for these..."
I knew she was praying aloud. I couldn't stop the tears from falling from my eyes. Sariya translated the woman's story for us, and my heart ached even more.
Comparing what I had experienced with what was happening here, I realized that I was living a life. But the people living here faced many hardships despite being given a life. What I had experienced was nothing compared to what this woman had gone through.
They were still talking. I couldn't stand it any longer. I needed to calm down and stop my thoughts. I moved from where I stood and looked at my group lined up in the room.
Finally, the photographer came into my view. He was watching the woman carefully. He hadn't taken a single photo since we entered the house.
As I was about to leave, the child who couldn't sit still ran over to him. The camera in his hand had caught the child's attention. Without thinking, he sat down and picked the child up. Showing him the camera, I saw the bright smile on the child's face. He let the child take a few photos.
Then he asked the child to stand in front of him and smile.
The child shyly leaned his head on his shoulder and looked at him. The sound of a photo being taken was heard. Then he turned the screen and showed the photo to the child. The child's excitement was evident as he ran to his grandmother, showing her the chocolate the photographer had given him.
The child ran to his grandmother, showing her the photographer and telling her something. Sariya immediately translated what they were saying. "Hürser wants to share the chocolate you gave him with his grandmother. And he wants to see a photo of his grandmother too."
The photographer got up from where he was sitting, went to them, and took a photo of the two beautiful people. The child ran back to him. I was also curious about the photo on the camera screen. The woman smiled when she saw the photo. "God bless you. May God grant you happiness. May God grant you what is good for you."
As Sariya translated the woman's words, I finally understood how wonderful taking photos could feel. The woman's cheeks puffed up, showing she was happy. The sparkle in her eyes was as precious as the stars. I had never seen anyone look at something so beautifully. There was no feeling of pity. There was no mockery or other negative emotions. There was only compassion. He could soothe hearts with just his gaze.