-Present Day-
For years, I kept the name, which I never told anyone, not even myself, hidden inside me. But as it slipped from my lips, it felt like the exhaustion I had carried for seven years had ended. We moved closer until only a step separated us. I lifted my hand and reached out to him. As my fingers touched him, I feared he would turn to dust. My heart was bouncing between fear and excitement. I let out a shaky breath. His smile turned my heart into a volcano ready to explode. I closed the gap between my fingers and his blue jacket, feeling its solidity. He was definitely real. He was here. The dream I had nurtured for years was here. The warmth I had been searching for was here.
I gripped his jacket tightly to reassure myself. I bowed my head, trying to hide the tears I knew would soon fall, and focused my gaze on the chest where my hand rested. Seeing his chest rise and fall with each breath, I feared the world would hear my rapidly beating heart. But for me, it was enough that only he could hear it. If he heard it, it felt like the whole world did.
With difficulty, I finally parted my lips and said, "You're here." The tears welling in my eyes spoke of the longing in my heart. The smile forming on my lips said I was fine, I was okay. "It's been a long time, Derin."
How long had I lived with his memory? How long had I tried to remember his warmth? When was the last time I saw those soft eyes looking at me? I tried to smile. I bowed my head. He was here. He had come back to me. He had kept his promise, but why didn't I feel at peace? What was causing this turmoil in my heart? I looked at my hand on his chest. My fingers, which held onto his jacket tightly, released him. I thought my exhaustion would end when I found him, but why couldn't I rest?
I lifted my head and smiled at him. My trembling voice rose. "It really has been a long time. So long I can't even count anymore." He nodded. As my fingers left him, he reached out and took my hand, placing it over his heart as he did years ago. I listened to the rapid beating of his heart.
"Derin?"
Hearing my name in that familiar tone, I wanted to run around and smile like a child who had just gotten their favorite toy. Despite this desire, I held back and controlled my tears. I cleared my throat and looked up at him. When I lifted my head, I noticed he bent his to see my face. He pulled back and smiled, reminding me of his smile that had almost faded away. The chubby-cheeked child I remembered from six years ago had grown and matured. His face was more serious and leaner now. I put aside the faint worry I felt inside for the moment.
I tried to remember the sentences I repeated in my imagined reunions, but I couldn't recall them. So, I started talking like him.
"I thought you'd never come back from the streets you intentionally got lost in."
He gently stroked the hand on his chest. I felt the warmth of his touch again, which I had forgotten. With the same soft voice that hadn't changed, he captured not just my heart but my soul once more.
"I was lost for a long time. Now I've found my home."
I watched the smile on his face. The smile I had etched in my mind from our last meeting at the airport was no longer there. As I responded to the smile that set my whole being on fire, I scolded myself for the few tears I couldn't hold back, "Why don't you stop?" I tried to wipe the tears with my free hand, hiding my face from him. He bent down to see my face and insistently looked into my eyes.
"If you keep crying, I'll comfort you myself instead of finding a little kid to do it."
His masculine voice sounded so different, as if it was showing he wasn't the child he used to be. For a moment, I didn't understand what he meant. But I allowed the memories to return to me as I had before. I recalled the time years ago when I was scared, thinking he had died on a trip, and his brother made a child hug me to comfort me. But this time, I was embarrassed when I realized he would be the one to give that hug. I felt the part of me that had been hiding in a storm for so long and was only clinging to thirty days come out. It started singing to itself that he hadn't forgotten me and danced in the rain. It wasn't sad anymore.
Another truth that dawned on me was that he remembered everything we had experienced back then. As I looked into his eyes, for a moment, I imagined there was no one else around us. I dreamed it was just us in the gallery. But as I persistently heard the voices of the people surrounding us, I realized we weren't alone and thought our situation was strange. Right now, I wanted to grab his hand and escape the crowd, to disappear with him and never be found. I wanted to lose myself in him.
But that must have been a difficult wish. Because instead of his voice, another voice reached me. I knew the owner of this voice. And he was the last person I wanted to see me in this situation. "Derin!" I turned my head. I looked at Hakan standing a few steps away from me. At that moment, I was perhaps in one of the most difficult times of my life.
I withdrew my hand from Eray's chest. I silently cursed. Why was I caught in such a situation? "Derin, let's go home," Hakan suggested, holding out his hand to me as if he had immediately understood everything and was calmly trying to get me out of this situation. I clenched my fist. My gaze turned to Eray. He looked at me with an expression I had never seen before.
Had he learned how to show those feelings?
He shook his head as if to say no. As he grabbed my hand, I felt trapped again. I gently let go of his hand. There was only one way to escape this situation. To stay away from both of them. "I'm sorry," I said to him. I wanted to stay with him, but I had been alone here for six years. And just when I thought I had healed, he reappeared. I was angry with him. Even if I ended up with him at the end of the day, it couldn't be that simple.
I walked over to Hakan. "I'm sorry," I said the same words to him and headed for the exit, leaving them both behind. Why was all this so hard? I could feel the eyes of the people around me. What were they thinking? Did they find this very romantic or very disgraceful?
I didn't care what they thought. Right now, I felt both ashamed and miserable. The pain in my heart grew. I stepped outside. "Derin!" I froze as I heard my name again. Every word that fell from his lips made me want to listen to him. Just like now.
I took a deep breath. I didn't want to talk to Eray or hurt Hakan. "Are you going to leave like this?" His voice reached me again. I turned to him. The man I knew years ago, who had no expression when he was sad, now looked at me with sorrow.
"Six years have passed. You've fulfilled your dream in those six years. I congratulate you, but while you were pursuing your dream for six years, I waited for a man I wasn't sure I'd ever see again. I got tired and cried for six years. Now..." My voice started to tremble again. I gathered my strength. "... Now, I don't think I can open my arms and accept you after all these years. I know it won't be that quick."
When he tried to approach me, I stepped back. I sniffed and shook my head. "Give me time." I just needed time from him. I needed to calm the wild storms inside me. Yes, my sky had cleared. The blue sky had come with him, but now a strong wind was blowing, not letting me stand.
I approached the road and checked if a taxi was coming. "Let me take you," Hakan said as he stood beside me. I knew if I accepted, my mind would get more confused. I shook my head. Finally, a taxi appeared on the road. As I moved towards it, I spoke.
"I need some time to think."
He gave me a sad smile. The sparkle in his eyes had dimmed. "You can reach out to me whenever you want," he said as I got into the taxi. I only looked at him and Eray. As the taxi took me to the café, I wondered which one I should think about.
Eray had finally come to me. Despite all the time that had passed, I could finally stand by him. Despite all the years that had passed, he remembered and still loved me. I was in the black and white frames he spoke of years ago. In his world, I had colors special to him.
But the thing that troubled me most was Hakan. I should have rejected him from the start, but I couldn't. He had been good to me. And he was truly a kind person. There wasn't a single bad thing about him that would make me turn him away. And I didn't want to hurt him.
How could they both show up at the same time? How could they appear simultaneously?
When I arrived at the café, I went inside and, without thinking, went to Ravza
at the counter and hugged her. "Ravza, he came. The Photographer came." She patted my back and nodded. "Finally, you kept your word, Derin."
But I didn't get the reaction I expected from Ravza. I pulled back and studied her face. "Don't tell me you?" She avoided my gaze and frowned. "Yes, I knew," she said, nodding her head. I took a deep breath and pressed my fingers to my temples. That's why she opposed me when I said I would leave the exhibition. Now everything made more sense.
"But what are you doing here?"
I sat down and ordered a cup of coffee. "My mind got more confused after seeing him, Ravza. Yes, I still love him, but... Seeing my pictures there made me more angry than happy. He acted like nothing had happened in the past six years. He said it had been a long time. To him, it seemed like six years was just a normal time frame. Yes, he fulfilled his dreams, but while he was chasing his dreams, I didn't move an inch, hoping he'd find me. I waited for him. And the first thing he said was it had been a long time."
I still didn't know what to think. My resentment towards him surfaced. My heart ached. When my coffee arrived, I wrapped my hand around it. The warmth slightly burned my palm. "And there's Hakan. I don't want to hurt him either." My feelings, which had surfaced in my heart, shook me once more. Ravza held my hand tightly. As I looked at her, her eyes didn't leave me for a moment.
When she was about to say something, I turned my gaze to the person who came to us. Cemre whined, "So you're hanging out without me!" I smiled. I stood up and hugged her, pulling a chair for her to sit. As I told her what had happened, I finally saw the surprise I had been expecting.
"So, that Saudade exhibition belonged to the Photographer? Wow, right now... Derin, you finally got your love you've been waiting for." Her dark brown eyes sparkled. As she smiled, she didn't hide the dimple on her cheek. Unlike my skin tone, Cemre had a much darker skin tone. Holding my hand tightly, she continued to speak. "So what happened? What did you talk about? What has he been doing all these years? Why didn't he find you sooner?" She asked me excitedly, but I shook my head no.
"Even if I wanted to talk to him then, I couldn't. Hakan was also there. And there were so many eyes on me. I was scared of each one. I just wanted to escape from there as soon as possible."
When I remembered that moment, I wondered if I had managed to handle it well. The fact that Hakan showed up on top of everything else made me more upset. "You said you don't want to hurt Hakan. But what's important here is you. What do you want? Which choice will make you less hurt?"
As she asked me the question, there was only one person who had crossed my mind and whom I had wanted for years. Even though I liked Hakan, it wasn't a liking that would go further. I pressed my fingers to my temples. This shouldn't have been such a hard choice for me. But still, I couldn't forgive Eray so quickly. "So, what do you plan to do next?"
I shook my head no. I didn't know. I didn't have the slightest idea what I should do. I knew Hakan would fight no matter what. And that was the last thing I wanted him to do. Love wasn't something you won after fighting for. Even if you stayed together for days, if you didn't feel anything at the beginning, you wouldn't feel anything later either. Love found you suddenly and settled in you. I wish we could fall in love after fighting and struggling.
And the worst part was that after spending all that time and still not getting a result, the time spent wouldn't come back, and the person who wasn't accepted from the beginning would be the one to get hurt again. Hakan was a very good person. If I hadn't met Eray, I would have wanted to spend the rest of my life with Hakan. But fate had introduced us in Somalia. And for six years, I hadn't allowed him to leave my heart.
As Ravza and Cemre left, the evening had fallen. I just wanted to go home and rest. Today, I told them I would close the café early using the renovation excuse and found Van Gogh's painting. "I knew you before him, Master. But it was Eray who truly brought you into my life. And now he's here. He found me. But why do I feel so confused?"
'Do you fall in love from time to time, Theo? I wish you did, because, believe me, little troubles have their value. Sometimes a person is sad; there are moments when you feel like you're in hell, but there are other, more beautiful things too.'
I read his words to his brother Theo in the book I held. They had compiled all the letters he had written to his brother throughout his life into one book. I thought as I tore a piece of tissue and placed it between the pages to mark it. This was so true. Thinking about him was wonderful. Being with him was wonderful. But at the same time, being away from him made my soul stay in the deepest parts of hell. I was suffering, but I never left him for a moment.
Just as she was about to say something, I turned my gaze to the person approaching us. Cemre whined, "So you're hanging out without me!" I smiled, stood up, and hugged her, pulling out a chair for her to sit. When I told her what had happened, I finally saw the surprise I was expecting.
"So that Saudade exhibition belonged to the Photographer? Wow, Derin, you finally reunited with the love you've been waiting for." Her dark brown eyes sparkled. As she smiled, the dimple on her cheek appeared. Unlike my skin tone, Cemre's was much darker. She held my hand tightly and continued to speak. "So, what happened? What did you talk about? What has he been doing all these years? Why didn't he find you sooner?" She asked me excitedly, but I shook my head no.
"Even if I wanted to talk to him then, I couldn't. Hakan was also there. And there were so many eyes on me. I was scared of each one. I just wanted to escape from there as soon as possible."
When I remembered that moment, I wondered if I had managed to handle it well. The fact that Hakan showed up on top of everything else made me more upset. "You said you don't want to hurt Hakan. But what's important here is you. What do you want? Which choice will make you less hurt?"
As she asked me the question, there was only one person who had crossed my mind and whom I had wanted for years. Even though I liked Hakan, it wasn't a liking that would go further. I pressed my fingers to my temples. This shouldn't have been such a hard choice for me. But still, I couldn't forgive Eray so quickly. "So, what do you plan to do next?"
I shook my head no. I didn't know. I didn't have the slightest idea what I should do. I knew Hakan would fight no matter what. And that was the last thing I wanted him to do. Love wasn't something you won after fighting for. Even if you stayed together for days, if you didn't feel anything at the beginning, you wouldn't feel anything later either. Love found you suddenly and settled in you. I wish we could fall in love after fighting and struggling.
And the worst part was that after spending all that time and still not getting a result, the time spent wouldn't come back, and the person who wasn't accepted from the beginning would be the one to get hurt again. Hakan was a very good person. If I hadn't met Eray, I would have wanted to spend the rest of my life with Hakan. But fate had introduced us in Somalia. And for six years, I hadn't allowed him to leave my heart.
As Ravza and Cemre left, the evening had fallen. I just wanted to go home and rest. Today, I told them I would close the café early using the renovation excuse and found Van Gogh's painting. "I knew you before him, Master. But it was Eray who truly brought you into my life. And now he's here. He found me. But why do I feel so confused?"
'Do you fall in love from time to time, Theo? I wish you did, because, believe me, little troubles have their value. Sometimes a person is sad; there are moments when you feel like you're in hell, but there are other, more beautiful things too.'
I read his words to his brother Theo in the book I held. They had compiled all the letters he had written to his brother throughout his life into one book. I thought as I tore a piece of tissue and placed it between the pages to mark it. This was so true. Thinking about him was wonderful. Being with him was wonderful. But at the same time, being away from him made my soul stay in the deepest parts of hell. I was suffering, but I never left him for a moment.
I was transforming with the longing I felt for him, but I couldn't stop myself from embracing him. As I read the words once more, a hand reached over the book. Then a polaroid photo was placed on the page.
The photo showed a sunflower with its head bowed in a sunflower field. Unlike the other flowers, it stood alone, free. A white butterfly rested on it. I realized once again how beautiful this photo was. As I looked up, I knew who had come.
When my eyes found him, the mixed feelings I felt disappeared. In front of me stood Eray, who had grown just like me. Years had passed quickly for him too. As I placed the book on the table, I watched his soft gaze, the small smile on his lips, and his cheeks that had become fuller even though his face had matured. His hair was longer than before, and this hair color suited him well.
"But you understand, I'll do everything I can to get closer to her; I'm determined to love her until she loves me. Do you fall in love from time to time, Theo? Sometimes a person is sad; there are moments when you feel like you're in hell, but there are other, more beautiful things too."
As he read the beginning of the passage I had just read, I blinked. I placed my hand on the book and continued his words. "There are three stages in this matter. The first is not to love and not to be loved. The second is to love and not be loved. And the third is to love and be loved. I think the second stage is better than the first, and as for the third, there is nothing better than it."
"Come on, old man! You too fall in love and tell me about your love, understand and forgive my situation. If you fall in love and are met with 'no, never,' don't give up!"
As we completed Van Gogh's words together, I realized how beautiful this moment was. Talking about such lovely passages with him made my heart flutter. I smiled. I tucked my hair behind my ear with my fingers.
His gaze moved from me to Van Gogh. "Even if I listen to him and try my best, I still won't give up." His voice was filled with determination. He stood up and stood right beside me. As he extended his hand to me, I looked at the beautiful fingers I had dreamed of for years.
"We made a promise. Shouldn't we keep one more?"