-Present Day-
I woke up on the morning of the exhibition day. Today was the busiest day, but the cafe would be closed. I had gone to bed late last night and was happy for the first time that the cafe was closed.
Even though I had told Hakan everything, there was still unrest within me. I couldn't stop thinking about it. No matter how rational I wanted to be about him, the longing for him
still lay deep in my heart. It was sprouting more every day. It felt like he would suddenly appear and my endless rain would stop. Even though I tried to think positively, the helplessness behind the hope that came with him was killing me.
Not long ago, I was crying and missing him in this bed. Although I still missed him, it didn't hurt as much anymore. Was this because of Hakan entering my life?
Oh right! Today was the exhibition day, and we were going there together. Yesterday, we might have started our relationship from the beginning because that's what he said before dropping me off. "Let's start everything from the beginning, and I'll fight more to win your heart."
His offer to slowly accept him made me feel at ease. If we went slowly without rushing, maybe things would get better.
The doorbell rang a few hours later. I opened the door, curious to see who it was, and felt relieved to see Ravza standing there. Seeing her on this nerve-wracking day was exactly what I needed. I walked up to her and hugged her. As she hugged me back, I asked, "What would I do without you?"
"Crazy girl! What happened now? You sound terrible."
"Because I feel terrible. I have a strange feeling inside. I'm happy, but at the same time, I want to cry. My day started off quite bittersweet, and I'm afraid it's going to continue that way."
She gave me a stern look. This look meant she was about to start scolding me. "Look, how many times have I told you not to focus on the negative? Believe me, today is going to be wonderful. You trust me, right?" I nodded. If Ravza said things would go well, I had to trust her. It was always like this. "I trust you. And I always feel better when you talk."
She held my hands. "You are more than my best friend; you're my sister. I love you more than anything. I'll always be by your side. Listen to your heart. Stop thinking about tomorrow. If Hakan is good for you, then stay with him. If the Photographer is more valuable and you want to wait for him, then wait for him. No matter what you choose, I'll always be here for you." Her supportive words comforted me. I wanted to thank her, but between us, thanking and apologizing were forbidden.
"I'm going to the exhibition today. Every exhibition I've attended so far, I've always felt a bit of excitement, but I've always returned empty-handed. And I feel the same way about today's exhibition."
She nodded with a sweet smile on her lips. "I'm sure today's exhibition will be great. Maybe today will be a turning point for you; we never know." I tried to smile. I squeezed her hand, resting on mine. "Alright, if you say it will be great, then it will be." As she smiled back, she suddenly remembered something. "Don't you need to get ready? Time is ticking. Don't be late for your date..."
I checked the time on my phone and realized our meeting time was approaching. I quickly got up and started getting ready. Following her suggested outfit, I finished my preparations and got ready to leave. Before leaving the house, I hugged her one last time. "Ravza, thank you for being by my side."
"In our dictionary, what words don't exist? Thank you and sorry. Now don't pout and don't think about it."
"I know, that's why I'm not afraid to talk to you about these things. I wish you could come to the exhibition with me."
A strange expression crossed her face but quickly vanished as she ushered me out. "Maybe one day we'll go together again," she said as she saw me off. I waved after her and heard my phone ring, signaling that my date had arrived.
As I grabbed my bag and trench coat and headed outside, I saw him leaning against his car. He approached me when he saw me and extended his hand. I took it, and he planted a small kiss on the back of my hand.
"You get more beautiful every day!"
I didn't hide my smile. I thanked him and added, "You look quite handsome, as always." He opened the car door for me, and I sat down. Then he took his place beside me, and we headed to the exhibition venue.
"Today... I feel both happy to spend time with a beautiful woman and a bit anxious."
I looked at him. He glanced at me sideways and continued talking. "That exhibition today... it's not that photographer's, is it?" I shook my head. "I don't know. Part of me wants it to be his, and part of me doesn't," I said openly.
How would I feel if I saw him? What would happen to Hakan? What would I do? The thoughts started flooding back.
"Even if the exhibition owner is him, I won't give up on you. I'll fight to win you over."
I could only respond with a sad smile. The rest of the drive was quiet. As the car moved forward, he suddenly spoke up. "Just out of curiosity, how close did you get to that man?" I pondered this question. In what sense was he asking? Emotionally or physically?
"I don't know how to answer that. Are you sure you want to know?" A faint expression crossed his face. I wondered what was going through his mind. I continued to study him to understand him a little better. "I mean, I want to know how close you got."
Now the lights were starting to go off in my mind. He looked at me with a calm gaze. As a fake smile reached his lips, was he trying to comfort me? Maybe I needed to say something surprising to catch him off guard.
"Well... If you put it that way, I guess we got close enough to know many things we kept hidden. Since he was my first, I let things flow instead of holding back."
"I see... So, he was your first in every sense."
Now I understood what he was getting at. I turned my head and tried to breathe calmly. Was he one of those people who limited love to physical touch? Maybe that's why he kept touching me, to get me used to his touches.
"I'm sorry, but I don't want to talk about this anymore."
I pressed my nails into my palm, feeling like I needed more time to calm down. I didn't want to judge him and erase him from my life for just one reason. There was no need for such a quick judgment. If his main intention was this, it would come out over time, right?
Finally, we arrived at the exhibition venue. We showed our invitations and went inside. My heart was pounding with excitement. A small section of the exhibition was set up for talks, with a few tables placed in front. As we entered the area where the photos began, the pictures already started to soothe my heart.
In one photo, a family was sitting under a tree with their two children, despite the tables arranged in the tea garden. They stood proudly there, despite all the wealth in the world.
Another photo was taken from inside a moving vehicle. The sun was setting, and I wanted to go on a journey where I could encounter such a view, even for a moment, with the slightly blurry trees.
In another picture, a bridge was meeting the sky. Next to it, an elderly couple was looking out the window. I could guess their thoughts about the world. Despite their youth being behind them, their joined hands showed that their love was still there.
In the next frame, there was a child under a blue tarp in the rain, selling potatoes and onions. I could feel how cold he was. I felt sorry for him because he had to endure this. Suddenly, his words came to mind.
"Just accept what has already been created."
I smiled at the photo. This photo brought those words to mind. When I glanced at Hakan, I saw that he was also examining the photos like me. There was a strange expression on his face. I wondered what he was thinking. As he moved closer and I felt his hand on my waist, I tensed. He leaned forward to show me his face, and I felt a strong urge to escape.
"This exhibition feels like it's presenting the harsh realities instead of the dreamlike images we imagine."
I moved sideways to distance myself, pretending to get a closer look at the photo. "Just accept what has already been created. One day, I saw someone suffering greatly. When I started crying, thinking they didn't deserve this pain, he told me these words. There are many different lives in the world, and each one is a real story, real feelings, like this child."
I looked at the next photo on the wall. Pointing to it, I began to speak. "We know what kind of life they live, but we see that they haven't given up on being happy."
It was the feet of a woman dancing with anklets under her yellow dress. Even if you couldn't see the movement in the picture, you could feel it. The music of India echoed in your ears.
I smiled at the photo. I turned to Hakan to chat about these pictures I loved so much. "Don't you feel like you're in India?"
"I can't lie. The dance moves are popping up in my mind."
I nodded, agreeing with him. "Exactly. So far, the photos have been wonderful. The artist has a great mindset." We moved to the area with the child under the tarp. The coldness of the rain seeped into me again. "Do you like the exhibition?" Hakan asked, watching the child with a strange smile on his lips. "There are many lives in the world, just like this child trying to hold on to life somehow. And maybe this woman expressing her excitement through dance." As he continued talking about the Indian woman, I nodded.
"There are things in the world that we need to see and really need to see."
Our conversation was interrupted by the sound of his phone ringing. He looked at me with a sad expression. "I need to take this call. Can you wait for me?" I answered without
thinking. "You're still waiting for me, my mistake." When he felt supported by me, his warm gaze lingered on my face before he quickly answered the phone and headed for the exit. He was truly a thoughtful man.
I started waiting for him where I was. If we came here together, we should explore together, right? As I looked at each frame longingly, I couldn't help but wonder what the Photographer would think of these pictures.
I was sure he would love the photo of the trees taken from the moving car. And the mother eating with her children too. The child under the tarp perfectly matched his thought process. My heart pounded with excitement. Contrary to the bittersweet feeling I had in the morning, why was my heart beating with excitement now? Why did I want to explore this exhibition with him instead of Hakan?
Once again, he had taken control of me. A moment of loneliness pulled me right back in. Just like the feelings I experienced at other exhibitions, I was burning with desire. I wanted him to take all these photos. I wanted him to realize his dreams and let me know after doing all this, just like he promised that day.
My gaze wandered around. I saw the man who had distributed the invitations a few days ago talking to someone. He was wearing a blue jacket and white pants. After their short conversation, as he left, I felt a vague excitement in my heart. I wanted that man to be the person I had waited for years. I found myself moving closer to him. But I stopped and placed my hand over my heart.
What would I do if I went to him and faced disappointment again? My tears would flow endlessly, and with those tears, I would wish for him to leave me too. In the end, I turned back. I took a seat at one of the tables near the entrance. Being here early, I didn't think it would be a problem. I put my belongings on the table and continued waiting. There weren't many people inside. Those who were looking at the photos were having long conversations about each frame.
The person who took these photos had done an excellent job. It was better than all the exhibitions I had attended so far. It made me feel the emotions of those moments.
I wondered how I would feel if the Photographer held an exhibition. That small child, who couldn't yet express his feelings, was now conveying his emotions to everyone. The beauty of his heart would put the whole world through a beautiful filter, making us see it more beautifully. More sincere and heartfelt. And I would be immensely proud of him. I would think that this man, who achieved his dreams, must be happier now.
I laughed at my thoughts and spoke to myself. I hadn't even started keeping the promise I made to myself yesterday. Especially being among these photos made it harder for me. As the minutes passed, Hakan's return was delayed.
I felt the strange looks from people passing by. Maybe it was because I was here earlier than necessary. As I pulled myself outside, my gaze searched for Hakan. When I finally found him, he was having a heated conversation. He seemed angry.
I stood at a distance and watched him for a while. It seemed like it wasn't a good time for him. He took a deep breath and lifted his head. When he finally noticed me, I raised my hand and waved at him. He sent me a tired smile before continuing his conversation. Then he hung up the phone and came to me. Holding my hand tightly, he said, "Did I keep you waiting too long?"
I shook my head. But his face still looked troubled. "Did something happen? It doesn't seem like a good time for you." He leaned his head toward me. "I want to hug you," he expressed his desire, and the thoughts lurking in my mind started catching up with me. I couldn't stop wondering why his touches were becoming more frequent. "I guess that would be pushing it too far, wouldn't it?" I ignored his words. I didn't even want to get closer to him.
He reached out and took a strand of my hair, bringing it to his nose to smell it. "I guess I'll make do with this." I wanted to respond to his smile, but my body resisted so strongly. If he wanted more of these approaches during our time together, he would give me the thing that would make me turn cold.
"If it's really urgent, we can leave."
"There's a problem with one of the products. I just wanted them to handle it without me for one day... Just one day."
"If you're worried about me, don't be. If it's important, we can leave."
I saw the fatigue in his hazel eyes. It must have been a stressful job. "Wouldn't it be a problem for you?" I shook my head. "We can meet later or come back later. I don't want your work to suffer because of me."
He thought seriously for a while. His gaze was fixed on the entrance of the exhibition, and then he spoke with a voice full of sadness. "You can continue without me." He paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. "But why do I feel uneasy about this exhibition?"
There was only one reason. It was because of the battle he was waging against an unknown man. And that man was a photographer. To comfort him, I smiled. "You don't need to feel that way. Now go to your workplace and fix that problem. Don't worry about me; I can take a taxi back."
As I managed to send him off, my phone started ringing. It was Ravza. "Hello," I answered the call while checking if any taxis were passing by. "How's the exhibition going?"
"Hakan had a problem at work, so we had to cancel. I'll take a taxi home soon."
While still looking for a yellow cab, Ravza's voice raised sharply on the other end. "No! Why don't you keep looking around if you're already there? Derin, you've been doing this for years. Why are you giving up now?" Her unexpected outburst left me confused.
"Even if you went with Hakan, you can continue alone. I'm sure you've prepared beautifully. It shouldn't end so soon."
My eyebrow raised involuntarily. Was this really Ravza talking? She had repeatedly gotten angry with me for hesitating to enter and even threatened me. "If you don't go in and come here to complain about the Photographer, I won't listen to you." As she hung up on me, I paused for a moment to understand why she was acting this way.
I turned around and saw people still entering the exhibition. Not wanting to face Ravza's scolding for leaving early, I went back inside. As I put my phone back in my bag, I saw the man in the blue jacket entering before me. It was him. Despite the pounding in my heart, I held back. I didn't want to cry for hours again.
I walked back in and passed by the photos I had seen earlier. A soft piano melody was playing, filling me with a sense of peace. The sound of my heels mixed with the hushed conversations of the people around. I stopped in front of another photo.
There was a child holding a piece of chocolate. His skin was dark, and his eyes sparkled with a beautiful brightness. An elderly woman was holding him in her arms. Her eyes were slightly teary, but the smile on her lips showed she was happy. This photo reminded me of a woman in Somalia, whom I had met when I first got to know him. He had watched her with a beautiful gaze, then given chocolate to the child and taken their photo together.
These memories stirred something in my heart. With excitement, I started looking at the photos lined up next to each other. There was a photo of a reed field swaying in the wind, with clouds covering the sky above. The next photo showed a shelter, wet from the rain, with water still dripping from the roof.
I allowed my eyes to fill with tears. Placing my hand over my heart, I felt it pounding wildly. I kept my head down, fighting to keep the tears from falling. I heard a woman passing by softly say, "It looks just like him!" When I looked up, I realized many people were staring at me.
But it didn't matter. I walked toward the photos and saw the sunset painting a park in shades of red. Then, there was a photo of people shopping in a narrow, crowded street.
I knew these photos. Each frame was a piece of my memories from Somalia years ago. The woman and child, the reed fields, the shoppers, the park, and the shelter... I was there in each of these moments. I had lived them all.
I fought to hold back the tears filling my eyes. My heart ached from beating so fast. Despite the pain in my stomach, I kept walking. I continued to stride forward quickly. At the end of the section, I saw words that made my body freeze. It felt like everyone around me was frozen, and time was only moving for me.
As memories rushed back into my mind, I remembered him kissing me in the middle of the night. The sparkle in his eyes as he stroked my hair. The words he spoke as he placed my hand over his heart to show me how fast it was beating.
"Watching the Starry Night Under the Moonlight"
Years ago, 21-year-old Derin called out to him. As I walked toward the beach, the question I asked him echoed in my mind. 'Because I found you,' Then, the voice that was fading from memory answered.
'Let's do that then,'
With time seemingly frozen, I slowly approached those words. The room was dimly lit. From a distance, the black-and-white photos were blurred by my tear-filled eyes. After blinking a few times, I could finally see everything clearly.
All the negative thoughts began to disperse. The sadness I had held inside for years started to fade away. As I read the words hanging there again, I was sure. And the only thing I thought of was him. Feeling his presence.
As I took my first step into the divided section, the fierce wind under my dark clouded sky had stopped. Now, silence prevailed. For the first time in a long while, the space under my sky was this calm.
Each photo was hanging like a star from the ceiling. And in the center of all the photos, a crescent moon on the ceiling emitted a soft light around.
Watching the stars under the moonlight...
I allowed the sweet sorrow in my heart to surface as I saw my reflection in each photo. I remembered every second of that one month. From the moment I boarded the plane and sat down with anxiety, to the moment I saw his last smile, every second was in front of my eyes.
With trembling hands, I reached out to the photos, feeling the emotions of those days. I let a tear fall from my eye. I remembered myself at the airport, holding that little child in my arms, my expression when I got lost that day, our nature walk together, and finally, our shadows on the ground.
After kissing me in the shelter, he had taken a photo of me. I had always wondered how that moment looked. How had he seen how much his kiss excited me? But now I could see it. Not only my cheeks but my lips were also slightly flushed. My eyes sparkled with excitement as if stars had gathered in them.
As I remembered that moment, my heart pounded wildly. How many times over the years had I wanted to kiss him?
Right after that photo was the one where he was preparing to take my picture by the sea. He had prepared me for the first time to take my photo. And after realizing my feelings for him, his closeness made my heart almost stop. Looking at him, I felt the emotions in my gaze once more. I had wanted him to be closer and yet stay away from me. I had wanted him to touch me forever. To take my photos and see me forever. For the first time, I had selfish desires in my heart that day.
My picture was clearly hanging there. As I watched that moment, I recalled the days brought by the past. I was so young. And indeed, a long time had passed. As I continued through the exhibition, I felt the eyes of the people on me once more.
It embarrassed me. But why didn't I feel proud? A few minutes ago, every photo hanging belonged to him. This thought made me happy, but this section that belonged to me... it hurt.
I had struggled to keep my memory strong for years. For years, I had tried to remember his face without a photo. And for years, I had remembered the promises he made while waiting for him. But he... As if everything was so simple, he had my photos. And now he was using these photos in his exhibition.
Maybe 21-year-old Derin would have felt great excitement seeing this, but 27-year-old me was angry.
Among the photos hanging from the ceiling was a picture of me as I am now. Holding nuts and talking to Van Gogh. Watching this action I did every evening, I noticed the sadness over me. I remembered seeing a flash of light recently, not realizing it was a camera. The fatigue of all those days came to mind. Looking at the smile on my face, I realized how much I missed him. How tired I was without him.
The dark clouds covering my sky slowly began to disperse. Sunlight started to fill me.
Even though he had found me before, I wondered why he had waited. If he had come a little earlier... A little sooner...
The mixed emotions in my heart began to resurface.
In all these photos, all I saw was his face. The innocent and sweet face I had seen six years ago. His square smile, slightly slanted eyes, and the face that had not fully matured appeared before my eyes again.
This time, there was no sadness inside as his face appeared in my mind. The peace I felt in my heart started to take over my body.
I approached the first photo that belonged to both of us and tried to remember that day. I reached out my fingers to the photo, wanting to feel the warmth of that day. I wanted to feel him again. I wanted my heart to burn hotter than the flames of a volcano. I wanted to open my eyes not to dreams but to his face.
When I heard the photo click I had been longing to hear, I thought I was dreaming for a moment. Wiping the tears from my eyes, I tried to compose myself. Then I heard it again. Click.
I slowly turned around and saw him. The man in the blue jacket I had seen all day was standing there, and another click was heard. This sound made my heart beat rapidly. My whole body was trembling with my heartbeat. When he calmly lowered the camera, his real self stood right in front of me. It wasn't a dream. Or an illusion.
He was here. Watching him, all those mixed emotions vanished in an instant. As if nothing was wrong and we were the only ones in this world.
He had achieved his dreams and was looking at me with peaceful eyes, smiling. He had matured since then. His cheekbones were more defined, and his black hair had a sweet shade of brown. I saw the sparkle in his brown eyes again. The stars I had always seen in his eyes were gathered there. His jacket couldn't hide his broad shoulders. The chest under his white shirt was no longer as thin as it used to be.
The camera he held in his hand had changed. The thin rings on his long fingers told me he had changed, just like the camera.
He walked towards me. The sound of his footsteps penetrated my soul. All the moments I had dreamed of were happening now. Unconsciously, I took a small step towards him. And then another. With each step towards him, the dark clouds dispersed, revealing the blue sky.
"It's been a long time, Derin."
"Eray..."