-Present Day-
As the first light of day filled my room, I didn't want to get out of bed. The weight in my heart was so heavy it felt like it would make me sick. But no matter how heavy it was, I never wanted to get rid of it. Despite the pain it caused me, I would never stop carrying it. I had experienced the feeling of love. I had entered that magical shop with him, even for a month, and seen all the beauty. I had felt all the emotions at once and could still yearn for more.
Last night, as I lay in bed, my thoughts were tangled. I still felt that way. I was genuinely tired now, but the words I said in anger slipped out of my mouth for a moment. If I could see him for just a few seconds before I died, I would have felt like I had regained him my whole life. And I wouldn't regret never giving up on him. He had already turned black and white for me. In fact, my world was like that too. All the colors seemed black and white to me. Except for him.
I felt the lump in my throat growing. Even when I got out of bed and looked out the window, I couldn't stop imagining him there, just like I couldn't stop loving him all day. Loving a man who would never come to me was so hard for me.
At work, where I went without breakfast, I nibbled on a few things. My sad music, combined with my sadness, pulled me deeper into it. This state of mine continued until noon. I took out the invitation from my bag and looked at it for a long time. I had prayed so hard that it was him when I called out to the man with the invitations yesterday. But it wasn't him. I remembered his look. He pitied me, maybe even thought I was crazy. I had been this crazy for the past six years. That was true. And I still wanted the owner of this invitation to be him.
As I couldn't take my mind off him, my phone screen lit up. Ümran had texted me. Thinking of Ümran reminded me that I needed to call Mr. Hakan. I lowered my head. Even though I didn't want to do it, I felt like I had to. I reached for the phone and unlocked it. The Starry Night theme greeted me. I stared at the screen for a while, recalling those words again. 'One day, we will watch the starry night together,' and then that sad smile. He turned around and disappeared into the white light filling the airport.
I wanted to cry again.
He had promised me.
After allowing myself some time, I called Mr. Hakan as the evening approached and asked if we could go out.
Even though he was initially surprised, he agreed and said he would pick me up. As I hung up the phone, I felt more sadness than the pain in my heart. I patted my chest a few times. I needed to be okay. There had to be an end to this sad waiting. He was still inside me, but I couldn't dedicate my whole life to him anymore. I had to remove my blindfold now. I was doing everything I wanted to do with him with someone else. Maybe we really needed an end. I wrote the last pages of the book.
He wasn't coming back for me. The sky wouldn't clear, and the endless winter would continue its reign.
During the remaining time, I spent telling myself that I had to forget the Photographer. Every time I passed by the Van Gogh portrait, it sent me the same look. I still couldn't understand what it conveyed with that sad gaze. Even now, if it were standing in front of me, I wouldn't know what it would tell me.
Even though I felt bad, I had accepted that we wouldn't be watching starry nights together or looking at the moon. Today, I promised myself to remove him from my life. For a new beginning. And I couldn't keep hurting Hakan by allowing him to stay by my side. Maybe it was time to tell him everything.
When I invited him to the cafe in the evening, I had already started thinking about what I would tell him. I could do this. That way, he would know about the man who had occupied my heart for a long time.
And maybe, because of that, he wouldn't want to talk to me anymore. No matter what, I was ready for the outcome. Carrying two men in my heart at the same time was nothing but betrayal.
He arrived at the cafe just as the weather darkened. When I saw him, I was paying the students their daily wages. The cafe was completely empty. "Welcome," I greeted him with a tired smile. It seemed like it had been a long day for him too.
As we settled down with our coffees, I felt Van Gogh watching us. "How was your day?"
I handed him the cup as he sat across from me. "It was really busy. I couldn't wait to see you. I've been looking forward to this moment all day." I lowered my head. My heart ached with the knowledge that I couldn't give him the love he wanted. I needed to talk. He needed to know something, and I had to leave the decision about our relationship to him.
"I need to talk to you about something important."
He lowered his head. Suddenly, he was filled with sadness. The smile he had a moment ago faded. "I feel like you won't want to talk anymore."
I smiled. "No! I mean, please listen to what I have to say. And then let's decide about our relationship. Okay?" As I looked at him, I knew he wouldn't mind all this, but I also knew his behavior would change as he got closer to me.
"I told you before that I went to Somalia with a charity organization." He nodded, listening attentively. He didn't say a word.
"I went there on an impulsive decision, very tired. I was 21 when I went, and I wanted to gather my thoughts there and come back as a new me. I once told you there was someone who changed me and was very important to me, remember?" He nodded, seeming curious about what I would say.
"I met that person in Somalia. He was one of the people who came to help. He loved taking photos and had a very peculiar personality. At first, I wanted to stay away from him, but within that month, we experienced many things. Even when I got lost, he was the one who found me. When a child was dying, he comforted me with his words. And he entered my life at a moment I didn't even understand. He... He was truly special and had very gentle thoughts. I fell in love with him. And no matter what, I wanted to be with him. Before returning to Turkey, we said our relationship would continue, but when we got here, he left me with just a promise and parted ways. And I haven't met anyone like the man I met during that month."
As I finally told him my feelings, I couldn't even look at him. My coffee sat untouched.
"I've carried a longing for him inside me for six years and still do. No matter what I do, I can't forget him. Maybe it's because he was the first person I ever fell in love with. Why am I like this? Why haven't my feelings changed? I don't know."
There was a silence for a while. When I finally mustered the courage to look at him, he spoke. Our eyes met. He had a kind smile on his face. It eased my mind. "Thank you for telling me all this."
He moved closer and took my hand, which was playing with the cup handle, into his palm. As his fingers gently stroked my skin, he continued speaking. "If I didn't have an important place in your life, you wouldn't have told me all this. It means I've made you confused. Your feelings aren't just for that man. Among those feelings, there's a place for me too."
How could he be so understanding? How could he be so good? I was afraid of hurting him, of him being hurt. "Now I understand better why you've been alone all this time. Should I thank him? Or would that be too selfish?"
He said this because our lives had somehow intertwined. I was also curious about how we would be if he hadn't been there. I couldn't answer his words. But I felt more at ease now. He knew everything.
"But what I don't understand is, how can someone be so unforgettable after all these years?"
I shrugged. "I don't want to talk about him with you. The only reason I told you this is because I'm confused and don't fully understand my feelings yet. I'm not sure about my feelings for you. And in the end, I don't want you to get hurt. I told you this because I think I'm being selfish by keeping you close while not knowing how I feel about you."
I needed to be honest about my feelings. He was the one who wanted to continue this, and he needed to know. He lifted my hand and placed a small kiss on my palm. "What kind of woman are you?"
As he pressed my hand to his face, my heart skipped a beat with this gesture. "Why didn't I meet you earlier? Why not sooner? Why not?" I couldn't help but smile. No matter what, he wanted to continue seeing me. But I was still filled with the fear of hurting him.
"But... What if he shows up one day?"
I lowered my head and tried to pull my hand back. I was curious about the answer to this question too. "I will fight for you against him. No matter what! I won't let a man who kept you waiting for years win." He kissed my palm again. When had we become this close?
"Why do you keep wanting to touch me?" I asked, half-joking, as I pulled my hand back. "Because if he suddenly shows up, he'll see how close we are and leave."
His words made me laugh. Even though he joked about it, I knew something was difficult for him. I hadn't wanted it to be this way. And now we were in this situation. "Now I know you. You've opened up to me. You've told me your feelings. That's enough for me. From now on, I'll work on solidifying the mixed feelings I have for you. I won't rush you. I'll wait until you're ready."
A faint smile appeared on my lips. "Thank you for understanding me." How could my life continue with the Photographer? What would happen to us? I didn't know the answers to these questions yet. I no longer wanted to live by thinking about tomorrow. If there was a challenge, I had to face it bravely.
In the end, when he stood before me, I knew my feelings would choose the Photographer. But would I be able to see him? Waiting for him used to be the most beautiful thing, but now... Waiting for him hurt. I had spent six years without him, and he didn't even know what kind of time I had spent. And I was getting older. In a few months, I would turn 28. I hadn't had any relationships until this age. And he had selfishly asked me to wait for him without knowing how long I had to wait.
"Shall we go for a walk?"
As I made the suggestion, I wanted to get out of this enclosed space. "Then you can drop me off at home," I offered, and he stood up without hesitation. "I'm ready. Let's go," he said cheerfully. His enthusiasm made me smile. He had such a lively personality.
After putting on my coat and making the final checks, we left the cafe. His car was parked a little ahead. "How about going to the beach?" It would take time to get there at this hour, and we both had to wake up early tomorrow. "We can grab a meatball sandwich," I suggested, changing my mind. "Food? Sure, let's go,"
I raised my thumb and showed him. He did the same, and I couldn't suppress my giggle. After a half-hour drive, we arrived at the beach, bought a meatball sandwich, and started eating in the car. The sound of the sea seeped in through the slightly open window as I enjoyed the taste of the meatballs. I leaned back and turned on the radio program I was listening to.
"As the night approaches, are you aware of how wonderful today has been? Spring is coming... And let your hopes bloom like the newly budding flowers of spring. Life isn't very long. We have a short life, and very few opportunities come our way. Make the most of all the opportunities that find you. Now, let's get a little nostalgic today. Let the music from vinyl records seep into our souls. Let Fikret Kızılok's voice touch your heart. This Heart Can't Forget You?"
As the music started, one of my favorite nostalgic songs began to play. Sometimes I sang along, and sometimes I listened quietly. This song reminded me of so many things. I couldn't forget him, no matter what. Maybe that's what love was.
As his face emerged from my memories, I greeted him with a smile. You taught me so much. You taught me what love is in such a short time. Now I'm drifting and aging in a life without you. I'm learning some things without you. And here, where you're not, I'm trying to heal the wounds you opened.
I ended the night by showing him the exhibition invitation before he dropped me off at home. He was truly a good person. Even though I didn't know what tomorrow would bring us, I always wanted happiness to find him. He had become someon
e I respected and valued. No matter what we went through, he would always be important to me.