-Present Day-
And I had another dream again. I saw him standing by the beach, staring at the sea, completely unfazed by the waves lapping at his bare feet. I ran towards him on the sand. Just as I got close, he started to move away. He hadn't even noticed me. I sped up and called his name. He turned around and smiled.
My steps slowed down. I recognized that smile. It was the last smile he gave me before we parted. I kept moving towards him. When I reached out my hand, he came closer. My fingertips touched his palm. His warm hands welcomed me. He fixed the hair falling on my face, just like he did that day on the beach. But he didn't stop holding my face. And he kissed me under the shelter, just like he did while we were escaping the rain. My heart started pounding with excitement again. As I lay in bed, I was happy to see him again, even if it was just a dream. I placed my hand over my heart.
My heart was beating wildly, not just in the dream, but for real. And I was going crazy to see his face, his smile again. Back then, I had fear in my heart. As if I knew these days were coming. What would happen after a month passed, after we returned home?
He and I had been apart for a long time. I remembered the words he said to me in that attic. "One day, let's watch the stars under the same starry night." He said those words years ago. Over the years, I had even started to forget his voice. I clung desperately to those memories I could recall.
"No matter what, one day I'll find you. I'll come back to you,"
My eyes welled up as I remembered his words. I missed the heartbeat under my hand. That evening, he had loved me gently and kissed me gently. That evening, he had said words to me that had no return. But he must have forgotten his promise. I wondered if he remembered me.
I reached over and turned off my alarm just as it started to ring. I saw Hakan had sent me a good morning message. What was I supposed to do?
How was I supposed to feel as I got out of bed? Should I be happy? Or should I succumb to the feeling of betrayal inside me and give up on everything again? If I fell for the Photographer again and remained alone, what would await me? What was I preparing myself for? How much longer could I keep him inside me? Even after all this time had passed... Even though he hadn't kept his promise, what more sacrifices could I make for him?
When he came to me, my sky was dominated by blue. The clouds were pure white and peaceful. Now, everything under my sky was condemned to sadness. I hadn't watched the stars for a long time. I couldn't see the brightest or the dimmest one. My moon had been in a new moon phase for a long time. And I stood alone under that dark sky. I was worn out... I was tired... I didn't know how to feel.
The only person who could open that sky was not here. The only one who could save me had disappeared, and the court I had set up in my mind had not yet ruled him lost. I didn't want to lose the most special feeling I had when I was with him. I couldn't find love again. I couldn't find someone like him again. It felt like he was special to me. And it felt like I was special only to him.
My endless fall towards him seemed never-ending.
Thinking of him continued to make me feel guilty about Hakan, who wanted to enter my life. I wasn't ready to let anyone into my life yet. Until I completely forgot him, I couldn't do this to anyone. How could I find room for someone else while the Photographer was still in my heart? Wouldn't it hurt the other person too?
I started walking through the quiet streets to go to the cafe. I couldn't stop the movie constantly playing in my mind. In this movie that always started with the first glance and ended with the last smile, he was the only star. And he was so beautiful. The more I watched him, the more I couldn't stop myself from wanting to cry. I wanted to cry and think how could he be so beautiful and cry even more. I was really crazy over the past six years. Every emotion involving him seemed perfect to me, even if it looked crazy to others. How much more could I go crazy for him?
My identity, which involuntarily fell for the Photographer, was ruined by Hakan's sudden entry into my life. I felt really bad. I was happy when I was with Hakan, but I couldn't see him as more than a friend. Yes, he was amazing. He really had a handsome and fun side. But that was all for me. If I could forget the people I loved as quickly as others, could I accept Hakan?
As I opened the door and entered, my gaze went again to the Van Gogh portrait hanging on the wall. Van Gogh always reminded me of the Photographer. "Master, what should I do? One part of me says good things for Hakan while the other part is still with the Photographer. What should I do?"
Van Gogh sent me those sad looks again, making me feel how lonely I was. "Ah, Master! I hope the end of his photos won't be like your paintings."
Van Gogh fixed the same gaze on me. I gave up waiting for an answer again and started dealing with the customers coming in for breakfast. It was busy today because it was the weekend, and I was tired until noon. When it was around two o'clock and no one was left in the cafe, I helped in the kitchen. When the dishes were finally done, I took a cup of tea to rest and moved to the front. Fırat approached me with envelopes in his hand.
"Sister Derin, someone brought these. They are invitations and have been distributed to most places around."
I took the envelopes he handed me and opened them. It was a photo exhibition. The voice that echoed in my mind enveloped me. 'If I ever hold an exhibition, I'll let you know,' I couldn't understand the feeling in my heart. A faint smile formed on my face. The first day of the exhibition would be in two days. I looked up with excitement and spoke hurriedly. "Show me who gave this," I dragged him outside with me.
After looking around for a while, he pointed to someone who had already walked away with a puzzled expression. "That man in the jacket," he said. Without thinking, I ran out of the cafe and chased after the man, trying to calm my wildly beating heart. It was too early for this; it needed to wait a little longer. I tried to avoid bumping into people as I ran.
I called out to him from behind, "Excuse me, can you look this way?" But he didn't seem to hear me. As I got closer, I accidentally bumped into a woman. "I'm sorry," I apologized, then quickly moved past her and grabbed the sleeve of his jacket without thinking. "You... You've been..." I wanted to say so much to him. How many years had it been? How could he remember me now? I saw a few people turning to look at us. But I didn't care. My head was bowed. I braced myself to look at him. I could cry at any moment. My heart was pounding like crazy.
"Excuse me? Were you talking to me?"
The voice that reached my ears wasn't his gentle voice. My eyes met an unfamiliar face. My fingers, which were holding him, loosened and quickly hit my leg. My eyes had already filled with tears. Why couldn't I see him standing right in front of me? Why wasn't the person I had searched for years standing right in front of me? A tear fell from my eye, and I quickly wiped it away.
Pulling back, I tried to speak despite my trembling voice. "Sorry... I'm sorry..." But hearing my own voice, I realized how devastated I was. Why wasn't it him? Why didn't he want to come to me anymore? After all, he had promised to let me know when he held an exhibition. Despite six years passing, hadn't he been able to fulfill this?
Answering the man who looked at me with surprise, I replied with my broken spirit. "I'm sorry... I thought you were someone I knew. Again... I'm sorry." I couldn't control my tone or the tears welling up in my eyes. I must have looked crazy at that moment. He had made me crazy for years. Life without him was unbearable.
"Are you okay?"
Wiping away my tears, I nodded. I couldn't stop the urge to scream and cry inside. "I'm... fine..." What I said didn't match my actions. As he approached me, I hurried to compose myself.
"I'm sorry. I thought you were someone I was waiting for. I'm sorry..."
I covered my face with my hands to calm down and hide the tears that were still flowing. People around us started to say things about us. "It's okay, but you don't look well at all right now. Please let me accompany you?" I didn't even understand what to do. I wanted to shake my head no. "Please, don't turn down my request. Have a glass of water,"
At that moment, I only wanted to go back to my cafe and cry. "It's fine. My cafe is just nearby. I'll feel better when I get there," Though my crying had stopped, my nose was blocked, and my voice was still trembling. "I'll accompany you there. Please show me to your cafe,"
Why did I suddenly want to trust this stranger? I nodded in agreement. When we got back to my cafe
, I realized I was still wearing my kitchen apron. My colleagues looked at me with concern, but I ignored them for now and turned to the man. "Thank you and I'm sorry. I mistook you for someone else."
Raising both his hands, he wanted to correct the misunderstanding. "It's okay. I think the person you're waiting for must be very important to you," I nodded silently. He was the most beautiful thing to enter my life. He was the person I valued most in my life. "Please let me buy you a coffee as an apology for the trouble."
As I looked at him insistently, I gestured to the empty seat. "Please wait a bit. I'll prepare my special drink and come." I forcibly sat him down. First, I went to the restroom to check my face, then I went to the kitchen and started preparing the coffee.
For a moment, I was so sure that the man inside was him. But it still hurt. He wasn't here. He made me miss him more than ever. And he made me realize I didn't want anyone else in my life but him. I wanted to go back to that airport moment and follow him. If I had followed him, it wouldn't be like this now. Every path we took together would have been adorned with flowers. No matter how difficult it was.
When I finished the coffee, I added a dry pastry next to it and went inside. The man was still waiting for me. When I served him, he smiled at me reassuringly. "Please sit down. I'm sure you still feel bad."
I nodded and sat across from him. As he started to drink his coffee, he began to speak. "Honestly, I don't know what you went through, but I'm sure good things are very close. So please stay strong."
I could only smile. I started to speak from a feeling inside me. "I've been waiting for him for a long time. I've trusted the promises he made to me for a long time. I never once gave up waiting for him. But now, I'm getting really tired. I don't know how much longer I can hold on."
He looked at me with sadness. But his expression gave me strength. "People who mean a lot to us rarely come by. I guess the person you're waiting for must be very important to you," I nodded yes. He was the second person I could call my family in my life.
"He is someone very precious to me. He has given me so many beautiful things. And he has given me feelings I've never felt for anyone before. He is very valuable to me."
Why was I telling a stranger about my love? The sadness I had kept inside for years was showing on the outside for the first time. "I must have looked crazy earlier. I'm sorry again."
Looking at him, I realized he was shorter than my love. But chasing after him, I had clung to the last drop of hope inside me and made it an ocean. "It's not a problem. I don't know what it means to wait, but I learned as much as I could from a close friend. He too has someone he's been waiting for years. Since the day I met him, he has developed himself enough to face the person he loves and nurtured his feelings."
I smiled as he spoke. So I wasn't alone in this world. There were still people who thought like me. "I hope one day your friend reunites with the person he loves. And I hope one day I reunite with the person I love." As the man took the last sip of his coffee, he turned fully to me.
"I believe in that. Love always wins. And I know you both will reach a beautiful end."
His beautiful support made me feel proud. I just nodded. "Your coffee is really delicious. I'll definitely come again another time. And your cafe is really lovely. It gives the feeling of peace I feel when watching the starry night."
Years ago, the Photographer had said those words to me. I had strived hard for this to happen. Every moment I was here, I wanted to feel his presence beside me.
"Years ago, before I opened this cafe, he also told me these words. He said my cafe would be a peaceful and calm place. I'm happy I could achieve that."
As he glanced around, his eyes roamed over Van Gogh. "Now I understand better where the name of the cafe comes from. You must love Van Gogh."
"Yes. I have a lot of respect for Van Gogh."
He looked at me with a smile I didn't understand. "That's very strange. My friend also loves Van Gogh. Maybe I should introduce you to each other. Maybe you can heal each other's wounds."
I couldn't hide my surprise at his sudden suggestion. He must be joking, but still, I felt bad. If there was one thing I understood today, it was that no one could live beautifully in my heart like the Photographer.
"I was just joking." He laughed slightly, and I joined him. "While my life is this complicated, it's very hard for me to take someone new into my heart."
At that moment, I had made my decision. I couldn't continue seeing Mr. Hakan and keep hurting him. The best thing was to stop seeing him as soon as possible.
"I should go now. I shouldn't keep you any longer."
As he walked towards the register, I stopped him. "Please, this is on us. You've helped me a lot. Please accept my thanks." As he put his wallet back in place, he hadn't refused me.
"Thanks again for the coffee. And I believe the person in your heart will find you soon. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in two days..."
"I wish what you said would come true. Then I would treat you to even better things."
He pointed his finger at me and spoke warmly. "You promised, so you have to keep it." I nodded in agreement. Strangely, I felt I got along well with this man. "I promise."
As he left the cafe, I thought about his words for a while. I wish what he said would come true. If the Photographer suddenly appeared at the exhibition in two days and my sky turned blue.
I stepped outside the cafe and looked up at the sky. I tried to calm myself a little as I filled my lungs with air. While thinking about what had just happened, I felt like everyone on the street was looking at me like I was crazy. Even now, I felt the whole street was watching me. Against this bright blue sky, my life was filled with darkness. When would my sky turn blue? When would I be able to breathe? When would this rain stop?
My tears constantly renewed themselves, forming a veil over my eyes as I finally entered the cafe and headed straight to the restroom. I could feel Fırat looking at me with concern, but it didn't matter to me at the moment. I sat on the toilet and let the tears I had held back flow. Along with my tears, I wanted him to leave me too. To leave and never come back.
Pressing my lips together, I tried to stifle my sobs, thinking that I just wanted everything to end. If he was going to come, he should come soon. My soul couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't console myself by thinking about how beautiful he was. I had worn out waiting for him. Time had not been kind to me, and the phrase 'time heals' had lost its meaning.
After a few minutes, I felt somewhat relieved and free from the heavy emotion inside me. I washed my face with water and pulled myself together. Without thinking about the redness in my eyes, I went back inside to look at the invitations.
"Fırat, could you bring me a cup of latte?"
"Sure, boss. I'm on it."
I sat at the table in front of that portrait again and started examining the invitation. The invitation only said; 'Saudade Photo Exhibition,' along with the place and time. On it was just a man walking down a long road. There was nothing else.
As I drank my coffee, I turned to Van Gogh again and asked, "Master, I'm so tired. When will my sky clear?" Even though I knew there would be no answer. This time, I didn't look at the portrait but stared straight at the street. My eyes were still on the road. Hoping to see him. But he wasn't among them. Maybe I really needed to give up. I would never see him again. He was like a dream to me. A dream too beautiful to be real.
As the evening fell, a heavier weight settled on me. My night was brightened a bit by the arrival of my friends. We sat in our usual place, and I told them about the invitation I received today. They were all excitedly waiting for the Photographer, but they were devastated by the heavy blow I gave.
"Derin, don't be so hard on yourself. These things are about fate and destiny. Maybe he's not in your destiny, and besides, don't you have Hakan in your life now? Why are you so upset?"
"Efil is right, Derin. Forget about that man already. We have our brother-in-law Hakan now."
While Ümran redirected the conversation to Hakan, Cemre couldn't contain her curiosity and asked, "What are you going to do about the date? Have you found something?" I shrugged and rolled my eyes, then my attention was drawn to the invitations on the table, and I picked one up and raised it in the air.
"Why not the photo exhibition?"
"Exactly, it's one of the things you love, and you'll also get to see if it's him or not."
Efil's comforting words and smile eased my mind. "That's a great idea. When is the exhibition?"
"Sunday."
"What a name, though. Sau- Saudade? I wonder what it means."
Cemre grabbed her phone to look it up. "It'd be great to get to know each other better," Ümran said, trying to steer the conversation. I quickly changed the topic. "Efil, how's the pregnancy going? How many months now?" I asked, placing my hand on her belly. I wanted to talk about anything but Mr. Hakan or the Photographer.
"We'll be six months in a week. He's starting to tire me out..."
"Of course he is. He's going to be as energetic and lively as his aunt," I joked.
Ümran burst out laughing, while Efil rolled her bright blue eyes. "Oh no, I hope he's not like you. He'll never stay still."
"Oh, come on, Efil. Who better to resemble than me?"
As Efil and Ümran started their playful banter, Cemre found the meaning and began reading aloud. "It means 'Saudade: the feeling of emptiness we experience when someone we love is far away,' and 'the flame burning inside us that will never extinguish.' Also, 'the feelings resembling a mix of sorrow and love.' It's a Portuguese term. Wow, it has a beautiful meaning. The person who came up with this must really love art."
"That's really cool. I'm sure the exhibition will be just as good," Ravza agreed with Cemre, but Ümran and Efil were still focused on me spending quality time with Hakan.
After Efil's husband arrived at the cafe and chatted for a while, Efil and Ümran left together, with Ümran mentioning that she had to rest for work the next day. Cemre and Ravza stayed with me until I closed the cafe, and we left together. Cemre offered to drive Ravza home after dropping me off.
Finally, when I entered my home, I felt a wave of relief. As I rid myself of my clothes and lay down in bed, I couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened today. The feeling I had was probably best described by the name of that exhibition: Saudade. It perfectly captured the sorrow and love within me.
I played some music, sat in the chair by the window, and watched outside. I fiddled with my phone for a while but soon put it aside, sinking into my silence.
The music made me dream. I imagined him in the empty chair opposite me, just like the conversations I used to have with Ravza. I told him everything that had happened to me, what I had done without him, how long I had waited for him, how much I missed him. I shared childhood memories, stories that had shaped me and made me mature, my dreams, and how I had pursued them.
I talked about my high school foolishness, my feelings, how I differed from my friends, and the troubles my lively personality brought me. Then I told him about university, how I felt a sense of lack after meeting him, the second persona I created inside me due to his absence, and how I had waited for him since that day.
I told him how I had prayed that the person who brought the invitation was him, how much I had tried to see him again. He just listened with a sad smile, the same one he had before we parted. It was the kind of smile that could make me cry. Despite all I said, he remained silent. He didn't speak, didn't react, just stood there, watching me with that smile. The smile I longed to see in person, even once.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't imagine him saying anything. I wanted him to tell me about his exhaustion, his sadness, his helpless moments, how he felt bad because of unshed tears. I didn't know about the good and bad days of his childhood. I didn't know his happiest moment. I didn't even know his favorite color. Maybe it was purple, maybe blue, because those two colors reminded me of him.
He was my purple world I drew in art class as a child, a world where I could breathe easily in every shade. Then he would suddenly become my sky, dispersing the dark clouds with his smile. His gentle voice would reach me, and clouds would start forming after the rain. The sun would gradually warm my skin.
Maybe his favorite food was meat dishes, or maybe something else. The only thing I knew about him was his love for photography. I knew nothing else.
Capturing emotions.
But I had wanted to do this with him almost every night. I wanted him to tell me all his worries and relax. When he was tired, I wanted to be the place he could lean on and breathe. I wanted to be more than a lover to him, a family.
I don't know how many times I replayed the song, but when it ended for the last time, I knew my dream was over too. As that sadness enveloped me again, I knew his face would slowly fade away. There was no chance of it staying there without disappearing.
I wanted to capture the feelings I had while dreaming, just like he did. I wanted to show him the picture of those feelings when we met again one day, so he could understand what I felt. But that was one of the dreams that was impossible to come true.
When I lay in bed and put my head on the pillow, I closed my eyes, excited to see that face in my dreams again.
I didn't want tomorrow to come.