-Six Years Ago-
The clouds in the sky looked like cotton candy. The strong wind blowing from afar hit my face. The sand grains that filled my sandals hurt as I walked. He was walking just two steps ahead of me. I was having fun stepping into his footprints.
The reeds growing on the sand dunes were swaying with the wind. "Are we there yet?" He turned and gave me a brief look. I was getting impatient, and the sand was driving me crazy. Suddenly, a steep sand dune appeared in front of me, but from far away, I could hear the sound of the sea crashing against the shore. Hearing that sound, I quickened my small steps. "Is that the sea I hear?" I reached him and looked at his face with excitement. Any word from him would send me over the moon.
"We won't know until we see it."
When we climbed the last dune, the sea greeted us, and I jumped in place. "I knew it! I knew we were going to the sea," I clapped my hands together and got ready to head towards it as soon as possible. This time, I quickened my steps, eager to reach it. But unlike me, he was calmer. I waved my hand in the air, calling him. "Come on, hurry up!"
He looked at me with a different expression. I glanced at the sea and then back at him. At his pace, it would take us forever to get there. Without thinking, I reached out, grabbed his free hand, and started running. The closer we got to the sea, the more excited I became as the white foam of the waves disappeared. I raised both my arms in the air.
"The sea," I shouted. I could die of excitement right now. "I missed the sea so much," I breathed in the salty air and continued to drag him behind me. Finally, when we reached the shore, I let go of his hand, which I didn't even realize I had been holding, and took off my sandals, placing them to the side. I couldn't stop laughing. It felt like it had been ages since I had seen the sea.
As my feet dipped into the waves, I felt the coolness and relaxed. I looked back at him while I was having fun on my own. He, too, had dipped his feet into the sea and was taking photos. For a moment, I thought this magical moment would disappear. I watched his hair fly in the wind. I looked at the parts of his face that were visible under the camera. There was a slight smile on his lips. His fingers were so beautiful. The wind was filling his shirt, making it billow. He wasn't far from me, but I still wanted to call out to him.
When he heard my voice, he lowered the camera and looked at me. I ran to him, feeling the sand slip away under my feet. I felt like I was walking on clouds. We played and ran in the sea together for a while. But he soon left the sea and settled on the sand, continuing to take photos. I stood in front of him and spoke in a playful tone.
"This time, you have to take good pictures of me."
He looked at me and gave me a warm smile, showing his teeth. Even though I was posing deliberately in front of him, I felt strange. He got up from where he was sitting, took the hat I was holding, and started to fix my hair before placing it on my head. Watching him, I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. I wanted to feel the warmth of his hand above my head more and more.
As he placed the hat on my head, he continued to adjust it. "Keep going like this," he said. As I nodded, the sound of my rapidly beating heart was louder than the waves crashing on the sand. Looking at the camera, I couldn't suppress my desire to touch him. Holding his hand... Hugging him... Kissing him... I wanted to rest my head on his shoulder.
These thoughts told me only one thing. I liked this man. From the very beginning, I wanted to be with this man I believed I should stay away from. As I caught my hat, which almost flew away, I couldn't escape these thoughts. I wanted this man, who looked at me so deeply, to see only me.
As a cloud moved in front of the sun, leaving us in the shade, he lowered his camera and fiddled with a few things. I couldn't help but smile as I watched him. I held my hat tightly with both hands. My hair fell over my face and then blew back. He lifted his head and looked at me. As the cloud moved away from the sun, bathing us in light again, I whispered to him.
"I love you."
I knew he didn't hear me. Just saying it made my heart feel like it was going to burst from excitement. He glanced at the sky and raised his voice to me. "I think it's going to rain. We should go now."
As I listened to him, I moved closer. I didn't want to leave the sea right away, but it wasn't a problem for me. To me, he was as beautiful and deep as the calmness of the sea. Every moment I looked at him felt like I was exploring the deepest parts of the ocean. And his voice felt more soothing than the sound of the waves.
When I got to him, I grabbed my sandals. "Okay, let's go then." I agreed with him, and we started to head back the way we came. The wind picked up and began to fill the sky with clouds. As we moved away from the sea, my cold body felt better. We were only halfway back when the rain started to gently patter down. Getting caught in the rain now would be terrible. Getting wet wasn't a problem, but his camera could get damaged.
"Let's go to that hut."
It was more of a rundown shack, but it would shelter us from the rain. As we headed there, he took off his shirt and placed it on my head, speaking tenderly. "First, we need to protect you."
His gesture made me fall for him even more. I shook my head, pointing to the bag with the camera. "What about the camera?" If it got wet, everything inside could be ruined. "Don't worry, it won't get wet," he reassured me. I nodded, and we hurried our steps. By the time the rain started pouring, we had finally reached the hut. I caught my breath and handed him his shirt, which was still on my head. He didn't accept it, thinking I was cold, but even though it was raining, the weather was stifling.
I listened to the rain for a while and calmed down. "It feels so nice," I said, reaching out and letting the rain touch my hand. Even the feeling of rain on my fingertips was special to me right now. I wanted to rest my head on this man standing next to me. But I couldn't make the first move. I wanted him to do something.
"You take such beautiful photos. And in every frame, I can truly read the emotions."
As I complimented him, it wasn't just for show. He was truly talented. He lowered his head in embarrassment. "Honestly... I'm not very brave about showing my photos. I'm very worried about whether they're good or not." As he fidgeted with the camera, I pulled my hand back, wiped my wet hand, and moved closer to him. "Come on, let's look at them from the beginning. They're really worth seeing."
Embarrassed, he opened the camera and went to the first photos he had taken. There were many different angles, and many were frames I wouldn't even think of. When we came across a few photos of the plane, I stopped him. "These are really beautiful."
Then there was a photo of a dry tree taken on the road as we sped past on our way to the village. With the endless arid backdrop, I realized how lucky he was. "They're very successful. They're beautiful..." I found the same excitement in every frame I saw. I looked at him.
"You need to show them to people first to get their comments. If you keep everything inside, I'm sure you'll think you're the worst artist ever. And I know... I think you're the most amazing photo artist."
A beautiful smile formed on his face as he whispered softly. "Thank you for believing in me. It means more to me than anything." I had to support him in this dream he started thanks to his mother. And he truly deserved recognition.
"A great fire burns within me, but no one stops to warm themselves at it, and passers-by only see a wisp of smoke. Van Gogh said this. He felt alive by painting on canvases, and I feel alive by taking photos. But I still feel the words he said years ago. People never see true art. They only chase after something very popular, and the things that should be seen may never make their voices heard. Sometimes I can't help but think about this dream of mine, wondering what if my end is like Van Gogh's..."
His weakening voice barely reached me. The rain seemed like the music playing in his background. And even though it was dark, I could see the sun rising behind the clouds. He had art in his soul. He was too beautiful for this world.
"What are you?" I couldn't help but ask. "Are you really someone who lives in this world? The existence of a man with such beautiful thoughts is amazing, and every photo you take is just as amazing as you. I feel it... One day, you'll be as famous as Van Gogh. Even if not today, those days are very near. And even people who don't know you will feel what you feel."
I didn't say this lightly. I trusted him. The brightest times of his life were very near. Even if the paths he took were difficult, he would succeed. "I know. No matter how tired or narrow the roads you take, the wishes in your heart will come true one day." He looked at me with sorrowful eyes. I gave him my most sincere smile.
He moved closer to me. As he closed the distance between us, I wondered what was going through his mind. He lowered his head and brought it close to me. I could understand what was passing through his eyes as I held my breath. I reached out and placed my fingers on his lips. As I gently kissed the tips, I prepared myself. Even though my heart felt like it was going to burst, I wanted this now. I wanted to break all my firsts with this magical man. This time, my mind was silent. My feelings were guiding me. As I got closer, I slid my fingers down and placed my lips on his.
As I kissed him gently, he reciprocated. His soft lips made me melt. And I didn't want this feeling to fade for a long time. My skin was burning like fire. I moved my hand from his cheek to his neck. As his lips moved, I tried to keep up with him.
Finally, as I pulled back, I couldn't look at him. Why was I suddenly so embarrassed? Why did I love this feeling so much? How long had I wanted to kiss him? As I pulled back, I placed my hands on my face. I was really embarrassed. My face was about to explode from the heat. His hand reached my face and pulled it to see me.
I blushed even more as I heard the click of the camera again. "Why? Did you have to take it right now?" His laughter grew as he reached out and gave me a new kiss. I couldn't resist him. Then he hugged me and whispered in my ear. "I want you to be special to me in every way."
I reached out and held onto his shirt tightly, returning his embrace. He always managed to embarrass me somehow.
(...)
I looked at the plane ticket for tomorrow. What would happen to us after tomorrow? I was already smitten with him. I wanted to stay by his side and continue with my life. Just thinking about a life without him filled my heart with pain.
As my roommates lay down on their beds, I checked the time. Even though it was only 10 PM, they had said they wanted to be well-rested for the flight tomorrow. We were truly exhausted from our last village visit today. The games we played with the children seemed endless. My knees were still trembling from all the running around. Lying in my bed, I wanted to see him again. This was our last night, and I had to do something special.
I wrapped myself in a cardigan I had casually thrown on and started walking with the excuse of getting some fresh air. I saw an employee and asked if I could get a blanket. The woman quickly fulfilled my request without asking any questions, probably because she didn't want to deal with more at this hour. With the blanket in hand, I headed to the open buffet to grab some food. I picked up two drinks and some snacks.
I was ready. Up until now, he had always surprised me. Tonight, I was going to do something. Once everything was set, I took the elevator and pressed the button for the rooftop. I had discovered the top of the hotel during the first few days and sometimes sneaked up there. Please don't be locked this time. I got off the elevator, climbed the stairs, and pushed the door leading outside. The door was open. Excitedly, I spread the blanket on the ground and arranged the things I had brought.
I looked up at the sky. The weather was beautiful, and the stars were shining brightly. Clapping my hands together, I went back downstairs. As I reached the floor he was on, I saw a few familiar faces walking down the hallway. Waving at them, I read the door numbers. Finally, I found his room and stood in front of the door. Gathering my courage, I took a deep breath and knocked. There was no response for a while, then the door opened. "Oh, hi," said the boy who I remembered was named Burak. He looked at me with puzzled eyes, so I finally asked if the Photographer was there.
He nodded. "Yes, but he's in the bathroom. You'll need to wait a bit," he went inside and called out to him. A few minutes later, the Photographer came out with a few droplets of water dripping from his hair. I thought I was going to melt. He looked really attractive. I raised my hand and waved, "Hi," I said. He lowered the towel in his hand and smiled at me.
"I guess I came at a bad time."
He shook his head quickly. "Just give me a few minutes," he said and rushed back inside. While waiting for him, I heard the other two roommates talking through the slightly open door.
"Why is she here?"
"I don't know, man. Who would've guessed our cameraman was this quick?"
Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of the hairdryer. I smiled at their words. I also wondered how long I had been liking this guy? And what would our life be like after this?
He appeared at the door before I had to wait too long. His hair was slightly fluffed up. "What are we doing?" he asked. I shrugged. "I don't know, maybe this time I'll get us lost," I said, referencing our previous adventure. I turned to see his face, and a sweet smile formed on it. We walked together to the place I had prepared. When we reached the rooftop door, I pushed it open.
The blanket I had spread and the things I had prepared were waiting for us. Feeling embarrassed, I stepped forward. "It might be a small surprise, but together..." I paused and pointed to the sky. As he looked up with me, I continued, "...we can watch the stars."
When I turned back to him, he was still looking at the sky. When he lowered his head, I saw that the sparkle in his eyes was brighter than the stars. We sat down and started talking with the distant sound of cars in the background.
"Today is really the last day," he said. "Time has flown by, hasn't it?" I agreed, taking a deep breath. Time had indeed flown by. And more than anything, I was wondering what we would do after we got back. Our relationship wouldn't end here, right?
"What will you do when we get back?"
He thought for a moment, then pursed his lips as he answered. "I've left my dad alone for a long time. I think I'll stay with him for a while. What about you?" he asked, turning the question to me. But this wasn't what I was truly curious about.
"I'll continue with university. I miss my family too, so I'll probably visit them."
We then started talking about our normal lives. I told him about my family and life, about Ravza and Cemre. I mentioned that I didn't have a specific dream but that I wanted to open a café one day. "A café?" he asked in surprise. I nodded. "I want to open a cozy café where everyone can relax and feel like family."
He bumped his shoulder against mine. "What would you name it?" This conversation sounded familiar to me. "I haven't thought about it yet."
"Hmm... How about calling it Starry Night? So it feels as peaceful and beautiful as this starry night we're sharing now."
I smiled. To get a better view of the stars, I lay down on the blanket and teased him. "Why should I do that?" He lay down next to me, placing his arm under my head, continuing the joke. "Because I said so."
As we recalled the conversation from a few days ago, my smile grew. As our eyes adjusted, more stars seemed to appear in the sky. "I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day..." he said. Were these his words or another Van Gogh quote?
"Those words..."
"Van Gogh? Did he say that?"
He turned to me with soft eyes. "Yes... He said that..." I nodded and looked at him. "You must really like him?" He reached out and stroked my hair. I was once again under the influence of those beautiful feelings.
"He's an artist I deeply respect."
After that, I had tried to research Van Gogh on the internet. He really had a sad life. But he was definitely someone to be respected. "Once, Van Gogh also said: 'When you truly fall in love, it's like discovering a new continent.' So, what will we do from now on? Will I be able to discover you?"
Finally, I had asked the question I had been pondering for days. I looked into his eyes with excitement. For a moment, a look I couldn't understand passed over his face. His eyes focused on the distance. Was this the end of everything? I didn't want that to happen. I could stay in this moment with him forever. I didn't want tomorrow to come.
His hand, which was in my hair, moved to my face, and his thumb stroked my cheek, making me turn my face fully towards him. "Maybe this time we'll get lost in each other's unexplored streets," he said, and his words were so beautiful they made me want to cry. As my eyes filled with tears, I smiled. He leaned over and placed a small kiss on my forehead. As a tear rolled down my closed eyes to my ear, I held onto his words.
"Will you wait for me no matter what?"
His words didn't matter to me. In the end, I wanted a life with him. "I'll wait as long as I have to... But please, come to me before I get lost without you." He nodded. As he wiped my tears, a bittersweet smile appeared on his lips. He knew why I had said that. His dream was to take photos. He had always lived a life of constant travel. And my arrival wouldn't change that.
"You promised to come to me?"
I held the hand that was holding mine and placed my fingers on his fingertips. As I looked at the size and beauty of his hands, I was even more enchanted. No matter how broken my heart was, I had hope. I could always trust him. "I promise you."
He interlocked our fingers. Holding tightly, he placed a kiss on my fingertips. "One day, my mom told me something. She said there are two feelings I will never forget in life. The first is the sadness and longing I feel when I lose something very dear to me. The second is the feeling of falling in love and loving someone more than anything else. My mom told me I would experience these two feelings one day. The first was the feeling I had after losing my mom. I still miss her very much. The second is the feelings I'm experiencing now. Because with this thing called love, I'm feeling all these emotions I can't explain.
My mom told me never to let go of the person who makes me feel these emotions. She said that person would be the thing that connects me to life again."
Every word he said reached my heart. Every word caressed and loved me gently. Every word was so beautiful it made me want to cry. With a bittersweet smile on my face, I kissed the back of his hand just as he had done. "I love you."
Tears flowed from my eyes again as I smiled. He nodded and repeated my words back to me as he reached out to me. His warm breath brushed my face. "I love you."
After a tight hug, he moved away from me. He was still
holding my hand tightly. He placed the back of my hand over his heart. Feeling his wildly beating heart, I wanted to cry once more. No matter how many times I told him I loved him, it never felt like enough. No matter how much I kissed him, it never felt like enough. No matter how much I touched him or stood by his side, it never felt like enough. I wanted to be entirely his. Was this what love truly was?
"Let's watch the stars together under the same starry night again one day."
"Let's watch the stars together under the same starry night again one day."
(...)
"Dear passengers, our flight from Hargeisa International Airport has arrived in Istanbul. The plane will be landing shortly. Please fasten your seatbelts."
Our month in Somalia had come to an end. I remember boarding this plane a month ago, feeling scared. I had tried hard to heal the wounds growing in my heart and to regain my strength. How tired had I truly become from my not-so-distant past? How much had the people and the place I lived in worn me out?
I had come here on a spur-of-the-moment decision, and I started regretting it almost immediately. I was alone and worried about what might happen. But now, I had someone holding my hand. When had I started wondering if I could hold his hand?
As the announcement was made, he let go of my hand and leaned over to fasten his seatbelt. I couldn't help but smile as I watched him. The man whose voice I had first heard only through the clicks of his camera was now someone who cared about me.
After fastening his own seatbelt, he started working on his. I reached out and stroked his hair. I couldn't stop myself from touching him, even for a moment. No matter how much I looked at him, it was never enough. When the plane shook, I realized the wheels had touched the ground. We were home. What awaited us in the future that I had eagerly anticipated?
When the plane came to a stop, we began to disembark one by one. My first instinct was to turn on my phone, which had been off. I wanted to check my messages. He did the same. While waiting for our luggage, he stepped away for a moment. I watched him. He had already turned on his phone. As he looked at it intently, I sensed something was wrong. What was happening? Surely it wasn't anything too important.
My suitcase arrived, and shortly after, his did too. As I grabbed both, I approached him. He was on a phone call. As I neared, something unsettling grew inside me. I stayed a bit away to not disturb him. When he finally hung up, he leaned against the wall and tried to calm down.
I forced myself to take a step towards him, placing my hand on his back as I put the suitcases down. "Is something wrong?" When he realized I was there, he shook his head. He turned to me, but his face had returned to the emotionless expression he had when talking about his mother. He reached for my suitcase and started carrying it. Once again, he left his own bag for me.
As I followed him, the group leader mentioned wanting to have a brief word with us. While gathering at the airport entrance, I glanced at the Photographer beside me, trying to understand how he felt. Something was definitely up. I knew it because the man who rarely showed his emotions now looked even more detached.
"Alright, everyone. We've reached the end of our month. I want to thank you for everything you've done so far. Please don't give up on your desire to help, and let's continue our activities with full strength in our future events. I won't keep you long. Have a good rest, and see you later."
As everyone started saying their goodbyes, I hugged my roommates. We would keep in touch. When most people had left, I felt a hand wrap around my wrist. I turned to see the Photographer looking at me, feeling that I needed to go with him. "Derin, we have a lot to talk about. Take care of yourself," they teased, already making fun of me. I nodded, said goodbye, and started following him.
By the time we reached the exit, the sun was just rising. The warm air felt wonderful. I had missed my country so much. He put his suitcase down and held my hand tightly. I did the same and looked at him. "Something's happening, isn't it?"
He lowered his head, only holding my hand tighter. "Please say something. I know this look. You need to tell me how you feel," I urged him. He finally lifted his head and looked at me with a bittersweet smile. "I knew you would understand me without words. I feel like only you can truly understand me."
His voice was somber enough to break my heart. I stepped closer, trying to see his lowered face. "Because no matter what, I'll always strive to discover you." He looked at me briefly. Pulling me into a tight hug, he whispered in my ear.
"One day, we'll definitely watch the stars under the same starry night again. I promise you. I'll come back to you. No matter what. No matter how much time passes..."
He was scaring me. Was everything going to end here? No, I couldn't allow that. "Don't talk like that... We'll never be apart. I won't let you go, no matter what," I said, feeling the weight of tears in my eyes. As he pulled away, he placed a small kiss on my forehead.
"Love brings challenges, that's true; but the good part is, it gives you energy."
As he quoted again, my heart knew worse things were coming. "I don't want to leave you, but you have to understand. I'll come back to you. No matter what happens, I'll come back. One day, I'll hold you even tighter."
As his fingers slipped away from mine, I wanted to hold onto him. Why was he suddenly acting like this? He wasn't like everyone else. I knew him. Even though I had only known him for a month, I knew him inside and out. It wasn't supposed to be this simple. As he grabbed his bag and stepped back from me, I pleaded, "Don't do this!" I was parting from him at that moment. It wasn't supposed to be this simple.
A smile appeared on his lips again, and that smile was etched into my memory forever. It was a smile that held so much. "One day, let's watch the stars again."
As he walked away, I could only watch his back. The weight on my heart grew heavier, and despite my efforts to hold back tears, they began to fall. He was gone. And all I had left were memories. Memories that were still very much alive.