-Six Years Ago-
How fast had a month flown by? I couldn't forget the excitement and fear I felt the moment I boarded the plane for the first time. I had barely made it to the plane that day. A lot of mishaps had happened to me. Even the wheel of my suitcase had broken. I remember the Photographer helping me carry my suitcase after I got off the plane that day. Our story, which started as a coincidence, was now at a different level. After that day, we would hang out without most people noticing and spend time together. I still found him strange, but he intrigued me because I accepted him as he was.
Getting to know him was like opening a magical box to see the magical things inside, starting a new book, or discovering an unknown place and learning new things. It was very special and beautiful. These new feelings made my heart beat faster. And when I was with him, time seemed to fly by. What would happen to us when we returned home in a few days? Would I get to see him more? Maybe then we could take a step forward from this flirting stage?
As I dreamt about him again, I hugged my pillow tightly. I couldn't stop smiling. I was lucky. Today was our rest day, and my two roommates had decided to go for a walk. They had invited me too, but I had wanted to rest. And secretly, I was hoping he would ask me out on a date.
Minutes passed. Lying on the bed with my arms and legs stretched out, staring at the ceiling was starting to annoy me. "Just a few more days..." I mumbled to myself. "A few more days and I'll be back," I raised my hands and counted my fingers. I missed my mom and dad. I missed Ravza and Cemre too. What had they been up to without me?
As I dropped my hand to my chest, there was a sudden knock at my door. Had the girls gotten bored and come back? I got up from the bed and opened the door. Seeing the Photographer standing there, I panicked and closed the door. I was completely unprepared. I looked terrible. My hair was greasy, and I was still in my pajamas. Embarrassed, I opened the door just enough for my head to peek out.
"Hi," he said, looking surprised, but soon a lovely smile spread across his face. I could have died of embarrassment right then. "Oh... Um... I was going to ask if you wanted to go out with me? I mean, if you want to."
Finally, the invitation I had been waiting for had come, and I was overjoyed. Trying to suppress my smile, I felt an urge to tease him.
"Oh... I don't know... I need to think about it a bit..."
His face fell. He scratched his head, looking unsure. "Oh... I guess I didn't come at a good time." Was he giving up so easily? "Why do you want me to go out with you?"
I continued to tease him. I enjoyed it. His childish actions were adorable. "I found a place... I wanted to go there with you," he said openly, making my heart beat faster. I nodded.
"If you want me to come, you'll have to wait a bit."
He lifted his head quickly and looked at me with bright eyes. His face lit up with a warm smile, and I could see the joy in his expression. For once, I wanted to absorb the feelings of this man who usually absorbed everyone else's feelings. He was truly sweet.
"I'll wait as long as you want. I'll be downstairs," he said, waving as he walked away, still facing me. I heard his footsteps and then he turned back, speaking excitedly, "I'm looking forward to it." His words could have killed me. As I tried to pull myself together and waved back, he finally disappeared from view. This boy could kill me with excitement. He was really sweet.
I closed the door and rushed to the bathroom. I quickly showered and started drying my wet hair. Each passing second made my heart ache. Once my hair was dry, I started picking out my clothes. I decided I could wear my white dress today. The more I rushed, the clumsier I became. I put on the dress and stood in front of the mirror. After applying sunscreen, a bit of powder, and mascara to highlight my long lashes, I looked at myself in the mirror. My face had no distinctive features except for a mole on my chin. My muscles were slim and long. I bit my not-so-thin lips to make them red.
I borrowed my roommate's curling iron to make waves in my hair. My heart felt like it was going to burst from my chest. The rapid beating continued as I left my room and walked to the reception. Passing by the reception, I silenced my growling stomach. The only important thing now was the Photographer, who had been waiting for me for an hour.
As I looked for him, I thought he had already left. Just as my heart started to ache from missing him, I saw him. When I saw the Photographer sitting in the waiting area, I got excited. He was fiddling with his camera and occasionally looking outside. His leg was constantly bouncing, and he was biting his lips. I stood there for a while, watching him. His black straight hair swayed as he moved. His slightly chubby cheeks became more prominent whenever he bit his lip. And the small mole on his nose made him different from everyone else. As I took a step towards him, I continued to watch. He had a tall and slim body. The shirt he wore couldn't hide his broad shoulders. His long and slender fingers made one wonder how they could be so beautiful. Yes, he was someone you wanted to see by your side.
When he finally noticed I was approaching, he lifted his head. His slightly parted lips turned into a smile that revealed his cheeks and made his eyes squint. I felt warm inside again. Maybe it was hotter in Somalia.
"Did I keep you waiting too long?"
"No, just a little."
He brought his thumb and index finger close together to show me and then laughed out loud without hiding it.
"I haven't had breakfast yet."
"I know, that's why I brought these for you." He nodded and pulled out a sandwich wrapped in plastic from his bag. I looked at him with admiration. I took the sandwich from his hand without thinking and focused my loving gaze on him. "Thank you," I said sweetly. "You're my hero." I looked at the sandwich and then at him, my smile growing. This time, I realized he was embarrassed as he showed his squinting smile again.
While I ate the sandwich, we left the hotel, and I let him lead. We walked for a while, then got on a bus. As we did all this, I kept eating the sandwich, only thinking about filling my stomach. Finally, we got off the bus, and I found myself in a very different place.
"Where are we going?"
"We're getting lost."
I loved his answer as it reached my ears. I let the butterflies in my stomach out without holding back. "You remember how to get back, right?"
He just smiled, and I had no choice but to trust that smile. We got into a vehicle and started heading towards the place he described. I wanted to break the silence. "Can you show me the photos you've taken?"
He looked at me hesitantly, but then he began to show me the pictures he had taken. Sometimes there were landscapes, sometimes people. Each one was a high-quality photo. When I saw the photos of me, I felt both embarrassed and a bit odd. "Why do you keep taking pictures of me?"
A smile formed on his lips as he whispered, "Because you're worth it." My heart stopped momentarily at the sound of his voice. I had a slight coughing fit. "You're very brave when you say things like that."
As I complained to him, my cheeks began to blush. He kept taking pictures of me, even during that chase. What was he going to say to me in that booth? "That day... when you were hiding in the booth, you were going to say something to me, but you stopped halfway. What were you going to say?"
He turned his head towards me for a moment, then looked away again. "That day... I felt the same way I do today. I can't help but take your pictures. It's like I have to."
He was making me blush again. How much longer could my heart stay calm because of him? Could he hear it? When the car stopped at our destination, we got out and started walking. There weren't many people around. The sky was a deep blue, and the sun was shining brighter than ever. The breeze was blowing off my hat. So, I held it in my hand and followed him. To break the silence, I started talking.
"When did you start taking photos?"
"A long time ago. It started with my mom. When I was in elementary school, I was a shy person and couldn't express my feelings no matter how much I wanted to. I was kind of emotionless. I didn't cry or laugh. My mom gave me a camera, allowing me to take pictures of things I liked and learn emotions. And so, I started capturing emotions. After a while, my friends started calling me the kid who always took photos, and I found myself with more friends than before. I captured almost every emotion and showed them to my mom, focusing on them. Smiles, laughter, and other things, but I didn't capture the bad ones."
He stopped for a moment and started walking beside me instead of in front. Showing the camera around his neck, he prepared
to finish his story. "This camera was the one my mom gave me before she died. And the first picture taken with this camera was the sadness I felt before she died."
We had completely fallen into silence. I stood still, feeling the sadness in my heart taking over. When I looked up at him, the blank expression on his face irritated me. Was this what he meant by not showing emotions? But then I remembered his words. He was still the little boy trying to learn emotions. I instinctively raised my hand and placed it on his head, patting it gently. As his soft hair moved under my hand, my excitement grew.
"You must have had a hard time," I comforted him as he lowered his head, making it easier for me to pat him. A small smile formed on his lips. I exhaled slowly. I didn't even know what I should feel as I spoke to him. "I'm sorry about your mom."
As I withdrew my hand, the feeling of emptiness made me feel bad. Talking about his mom made him put on a blank expression again. It made me angry. "It's not your fault you don't know emotions, but why are you so expressionless?" I started scolding him.
"How? How?"
I wanted to talk, but he didn't let me because he didn't even show the feeling of longing. How could a person be so emotionless? I wiped away the tears in my eyes and tried to calm down. Why didn't he possess the emotions he captured?
He approached me and handed me a small photo he was holding. The photo was black and white, showing reeds swaying in the wind by a lake. The sky was emptier than usual. Then he spoke quietly.
"When I miss my mom, I feel like the scene in this photo. I want to go there and just cry. But because of my condition, I can't, which makes me feel even more emotionless."
I lifted my eyes and looked at him. There was nothing but a small tremble in his eyes. I thought of the little Photographer who couldn't show his pain and cry. And the Photographer who couldn't relax by crying was struggling with a turmoil of emotions, breaking my heart even more.
Without thinking about the consequences and without regretting it later, I let my impulse take over. I took a step closer to him and rested my forehead on his shoulder, wanting to stay like that for a while. I didn't know why I wanted this, but the only thing I knew was that it was to suppress my feelings more than his needs. Why did he have to go through something like this?
Finally, as I tried to pull away, his head fell on my shoulder, and I stopped. I let him stay like that for a while. For a moment, I imagined him crying on my shoulder. For a moment, I wanted to believe that the bad feelings had left his body.
When he finally lifted his head from my shoulder, he started walking without looking at me. I was just as embarrassed as he was, and his actions made me feel more comfortable. As he walked ahead of me, I followed him from behind. Now I understood why he took so many photos of emotions. Even when he first told me, I had a feeling he wasn't joking. Now, knowing the truth broke me even more. And the lack of sadness in him made my heart ache. Seeing him smile reassured me. Right, was he really happy when he smiled?
A few steps ahead of me, unaware of my thoughts, he continued taking photos. I hurriedly caught up to him. When he saw me, he looked and smiled again. His smile made me raise my finger and point it at him. "Look! This smile... Are you really happy when you smile? Or is it just a trick? When you're with me, you always smile. You're not doing it to deceive me, are you? Oh, these thoughts are enough to break my heart."
When I pointed my finger at him, he looked at me and then at my finger. When he started speaking, he smiled widely, revealing his straight white teeth. After looking around for a while, he turned back to me. When I saw the sparkle in his eyes, my heart started pounding. How could he be so beautiful, I thought for the first time.
He extended his finger and touched mine, starting to speak. His words made my heart beat between the sky and the ground. "Once, Van Gogh wrote to his brother in a letter: 'I thought people would understand me without words.' I thought so too, Derin. At first, I thought they would understand that I had a problem and didn't laugh or cry. But I didn't have the childhood I expected. So, I started learning. As I learned, I showed. And don't worry... When I first showed my feelings, I started with a smile. And my feelings have never been fake when I'm with you."
Blushing, I lowered my head. I couldn't hide the smile on my face. When I lifted my head again, the camera was pointed at me. I looked in surprise at first, and the click sound was heard. Then my smile grew, making me want to hide my face. As the second click sound was heard, I was too late to hide. Looking at my face in the camera, he said, "How could I break the heart of someone who shows their feelings so clearly?"
"Okay, enough. I'm embarrassed..."
He was just as embarrassed as I was. I understood it when he bit his lip. I cleared my throat and changed the subject to break the atmosphere. "Have you ever thought about exhibiting your photos?"
He shook his head uncertainly. "Both yes and no." He paused for a while, as if calculating something, then turned to me to show he was still with me and completed his explanation. "But even if I open an exhibition one day, it's too early for that. I'll let you know when the time comes."
After he finished his sentence, he winked, and I couldn't help but feel drawn to him again. How could a guy be this sweet? I kept falling into this thought but couldn't find an answer.
As the sun burned my eyes more, I put on my sunglasses and continued to look around. This place, without greenery, had a different charm. He also put on his sunglasses and continued walking. "It's beautiful, isn't it? I love nature."
"Yes, it's really a beautiful place." I knew the conversation would end, so I continued talking about the exhibition. Maybe it was because I wanted to learn more about him. "What would you name it if you ever opened an exhibition? Have you ever thought of anything?"
"Hmm, I never thought about it."
He shook his head as if saying no, and I thought for a while. Could it be something related to emotions since he captured them? Or something entirely different?
"I think you should name it Starry Night. Or... Under the Moonlight. It should be one of these."
"Why would I do that?" He started teasing me just like I did. "Because I came up with it."
Looking at him as if I knew it all, I continued the joke. Understanding what I wanted to do, he smiled and slowly removed his glasses, ruffling his hair, and whispered; "Let's do that then."
With this move, he suddenly turned from a sweet boy into a tough-looking guy, changing the way I looked at him. Getting closer to him, I reached for the glasses in his hand to put them back on his eyes. "Please don't do things like this again," I warned him and then started walking quickly. "Why, did I affect you that much?"
I just raised my hand and waved, continuing to look around. But yes, I was affected. Very much so.
As I looked at the sky, the weather today was better than the previous days, and the blue sky stretched into infinity.