-Present Day-
This memory, making its way from the dusty shelves of the past into my mind, had me waking up in the middle of the night with excitement and a sharp pain in my heart. Ravza was still asleep. Not wanting to disturb her, I quietly got up and moved to the kitchen, sitting down on a chair. One hand rested over my heart. Those words he had said still made my heart race.
And back then, I didn't know that my life, cloaked in black and white, would belong only to you. I didn't know that I would love only you for years. And I didn't know that you, who was so far away, would teach me all these feelings.
I let out a shaky breath. No matter how hard I tried to calm down, I couldn't stop wanting to cry. I missed him so much. Even though I had told him that day that we should learn these feelings together... Even though I had said I wanted to experience these feelings with him... He left me alone. For years, I learned these feelings by myself. I bathed in these feelings, and I was shattered by them.
I was struggling to continue this love all by myself. I was burning with the love of a man I didn't know where or how he was. Why do I have to wait so long? Why had my heart been so stubborn? Despite not knowing the future, I never once gave up on him. I never once got tired of loving him. His face was starting to fade in my memories...
When I reached out to him, a mist would cover everything. The more I stepped toward him, the denser the mist became. Even if I ran to him, I couldn't reach him, see him, or feel him. I was performing in this scene all by myself. I was playing 'The Love of a Lonely Woman for an Unknown Man.'
What had the years added to you? What experiences had you gained? What were the things that made you genuinely smile and cry? And had someone else taught you those feelings you said you didn't know? Waiting for you had never felt this heavy before. Missing you hadn't broken me this much, and not seeing you hadn't killed me.
As I rested my elbow on the table and my palm on my face, my tears wouldn't stop. My sobs lined up one after the other in my throat. The more I tried to hold my breath and keep my voice down, the more it hurt. I needed only him to know how I felt. But I was asking for the most impossible thing. My love had silently left with a bittersweet smile years ago. And ever since he left, I'd been left in the middle of a cold winter. Ever since he left, the world beneath my darkening sky had been cold.
Every punch I hit to my chest couldn't bring me back to myself. And that night, I tried to cling to my life again with the tears I shed quietly. I struggled to gather my tired body that night. As I left many of my feelings on that table with my tears, I began to be dragged into a feeling I had never known.
The sun that lit up that night couldn't bring me back to myself. In my world, surrounded by dark clouds, a calm and never-ending rain was falling. The sun outside, signaling the arrival of spring, didn't even touch me. Even if I forced my tired body to the café, I didn't want to work or go to the meeting I had that evening. My soul no longer fit into my body.
The sounds of customers and music hitting the walls allowed me to relax a bit. Unlike other days, I played some upbeat music today and tried to forget the part of me that resembled him. I arranged the safest place outside for the families who came as customers so they could feel more comfortable. It was a group of friends, each with children. While taking their orders and setting up their service, I smiled and waved at the children. Two of them were quite shy, while one showed me a big smile and waved back.
Perhaps my day improved a bit by loving those kids. No matter what, I couldn't remain hopeless. No matter how much I fell yesterday, today I had to get back up. And I had to regain my strength and fix my life. I turned my head and looked at Van Gogh. "Master, today I will surpass myself. Today I will return to my old self. Even if I can't say anything about this love... my end will not be the cornfield. I will save my love... I will save myself."
I held onto hope until the evening. And I hugged Ravza, who came to manage the café, tightly and took her support. Tonight, I would calmly set out to start a new life. I wanted these tears to stop now.
I was sitting excitedly in my house. As the doorbell rang, I straightened my clothes one last time to make sure I was ready and took a deep breath to calm myself before greeting him. When I saw the man smiling at me on the other side of the door, I smiled back. "Hello..." His deep voice was very different from his.
"Hello," I looked at him as he extended his hand to me. His hands were more muscular and veined than his. As I placed my hand in his palm, his fingers grasped mine tightly, and he leaned forward to place a kiss on it. With this gesture, I found myself feeling a strange emotion.
"Ms. Derin, you look beautiful."
I bowed my head gently, preparing to respond. "Thank you. You look very handsome too."
"I'm not sure if I can match such a woman." I thought how charming he was as he spoke with a mix of humor. Linking my arm with his, we walked toward his car while he said these things to me. "Don't worry, Mr. Hakan... You will always be someone who draws attention."
This was definitely true. He was really quite handsome. And this handsomeness was tied to his well-groomed appearance. He was a man worthy of respect in every way. As we got into the car and headed to the restaurant for dinner, we talked about what we had done during the day. Talking with Hakan distracted me. It was far beyond the conversations I had had with him. It felt more intimate and as if we already knew each other and our intimacy was growing.
When we arrived at the restaurant with giggles and light music, he accompanied me elegantly. He pulled out my chair and helped me sit down. I thought I would never go to a place like this in my life, but it had happened. I was going to dine in this luxurious restaurant, and I was already very nervous. This scene that I always saw in TV shows felt really nice.
Sometimes, I needed to pamper myself and eat at places like this. But when I saw the prices on the menu, I gave up on the idea of pampering myself. As we browsed the dishes, he broke the silence.
"I researched the best restaurants for you and finally made a reservation here. I hope you like it..."
"Yes, yes, it's a nice place. Thank you for your thoughtfulness."
"Have you decided what you want to eat?" I shook my head indecisively. "I think I'll have this." Even though the name was quite strange, it was definitely chicken with curry sauce. He nodded and called the waiter to place the orders. As the atmosphere became silent again, I took the first step to break it. "You mentioned that you had been abroad before. Did you ever get a chance to explore?"
"Yes, I had plenty of opportunities, so I usually wander around the city centers for a few hours, but this is mostly in the evenings and ends up at a nightclub, and then I go back to my hotel. Other than that, there's nothing else." For no reason, my smile faded as I thought of the Photographer. "Have you ever thought of deliberately getting lost and wandering around?"
He watched me with a curious look but soon nodded as if understanding what I meant. "Honestly, I'm very good at getting lost, so I wouldn't want to deliberately get lost in unfamiliar cities." Smiling, I realized that this thought wasn't the same for everyone. But the Photographer had said he deliberately got lost and felt happier that way.
"I'm curious, do you deliberately get lost and wander around when you go to a city?"
He asked this question with a mix of surprise. I lowered my head. "I've only had the chance to do it once in my life. And it was definitely a very fun thing. You see and learn the things you really need to know. I'd like to experience this feeling again."
As he listened to me, I tried to understand what was in his eyes. Maybe this was the look I gave when I heard these words from the Photographer years ago. A beautiful smile formed on his lips as I blushed. "This..." he began. "This might be the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Deliberately getting lost... It's true... Because the places we really need to visit and see in life are the alleyways, while we limit ourselves to stores."
Him agreeing with me relaxed me a bit. I couldn't stop smiling. As we continued our conversation, a piano sound began to rise. It was a very beloved piece by a pianist I knew. As we quietly continued our meal, he suddenly started talking. "Have you started using the products I chose for you?"
Even though I nodded my head as if to say yes, they were all still unopened in a corner of my room. I was starting to feel guilty. "When we went to Italy, I made them understand once again with my presidency at the meeting that the company I belong to is not just any company. The products
we produce are not just makeup items, they are touches... They are pieces of a puzzle that make people feel better..."
With his speech, the meal slowly started turning into a business dinner. I nodded as if I understood, sending a piece on the fork into my mouth. "The last deal we made with the Glow Up company will take us to much better places. I'm preparing for the continuation of this agreement." I had never heard of the company before; it was probably because I wasn't interested in care products. But I shared in his excitement. "That's good news. I hope all the results bring good outcomes for you."
As his excitement continued, I felt bored. I needed to get on a common path with him, but was it always going to be like this? Would we mostly talk about his work? But his excitement was evident. Sometimes, I couldn't understand what kind of person he was. Sometimes when he fell silent, his face would become very stern, but he would immediately put on a fake mask and act as if that cold person never existed. It was too early to say this yet, yes, but something felt wrong. I hoped this wasn't because of the feelings I had for the Photographer.
He must have noticed the expression on my face because he stopped talking and started paying attention to me. "Are you bored? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to act like that." I shook my head.
"No, you have a great job and career. I'm sure your excitement won't fade even after many years. I was just thinking about something..."
At that moment, I only recalled the constant flaw in myself. As he watched me carefully, I spoke shyly. "I'm wondering if a product could be created to compensate for the problems I have with seasonal changes." With this question, he straightened up. He took a thoughtful stance for a while and then nodded as if to say yes a few minutes later. "I think I can handle that. If we proceed based on your skin type, maybe we'll call it Deep Cream,"
While joking with my name, even though I knew it wasn't funny, I tried to smile. "Deep means deep. Deeply renewing the skin..." Thinking this way, it made sense, but why was he trying so hard to impress someone he had just met? He was leaving me with many question marks.
I forced myself to giggle. "I hope I've been able to give you an idea," As he nodded, we had already finished our meal. When they came to clear the table, they asked if we wanted anything else. He glanced at me, but I wanted to leave this place immediately.
"Why don't we get a drink and go for a walk on this lovely evening?"
My suggestion surprised him. I was curious about how many women he had brought to places like this? And how many of the women he brought here had used him? It made me feel bad to be such a burden to someone I had just met. "If that's what you want. Let's get the bill, please,"
He agreed with me. It didn't take long to pay the bill and leave the restaurant. As we walked toward the car, he gave me a sneaky glance. While walking gracefully beside me, I saw people glancing at him as they passed by. He really had a bright aura, and his face added to it.
"So, what do you want to do now?"
While he offered his suggestion to me, I pointed to the coffee shop I saw. "Let's get a coffee and take a short walk on this lovely evening. Since I spend most of my time in the café, I don't want to stay indoors any longer." I was curious about how he saw me now. Had I been able to show him that I was just a normal woman? As he nodded, he only smiled. What was he really thinking?
Even though spring had just arrived, the occasional cold breeze chilled me. It didn't take long to go to the coffee shop and get two drinks. This time, I insisted and paid the bill. "Please let me pay. Having you pay all the time makes me feel bad."
And again, he accepted this with a sweet smile. As we started walking down the lit street with coffee cups in our hands, there were many people around, and this street reminded me of life. My cold fingers were warmed by the heat of the coffee. After taking a sip, I started talking. "I'm curious, what do you think about me?"
My sudden question even surprised him. One hand was in his pocket. Our calm walk briefly halted under an artificial tree decorated with LED lights. "About you... You surprise me. Your thoughts, your conversation, the way you approach me... I can't help but wonder the more time I spend with you. How have you been alone for so many years?"
I was sure. I was not like the women he had known until today. His surprise was because of this, but the only reason I had been alone until this year was the Photographer. I had come this far by waiting for him. "Right? I wonder too. Why am I still alone?"
He let out a small laugh. As I looked at him in surprise, I voiced my thought in a joking tone. "What? Did something happen?" He shook his head. Taking a sip of his coffee, a sweet smile formed on his lips. "Just... I thought for a moment that it's a good thing you've been alone until today."
He was clearly showing his interest in me. "So why have you been alone until now?" I was really curious about this. He didn't seem like someone who would be single. Every woman who saw him would want him. Why was he still single?
"The women who want to be with me usually want me more for my money or because I look good standing beside them. If I were here with another woman today, I wouldn't be walking down this street with this coffee. This is the first time I'm experiencing something like this."
I felt sorry for him. Money or looks weren't everything. When I met the Photographer, I knew he came from a normal family. Despite his handsome face, he had a strange character. But even so, his warm words had reached my heart. But this man had been successful for a long time, and I could somewhat guess what the women around him were like.
"Is walking down this street with this coffee for the first time a bad thing?"
I asked him anxiously. Did he not like it? Or was he standing by my side reluctantly? He shook his head. The sound of a group of street musicians singing reached my ears. "It feels a bit strange but nice. I feel like I'm on a real date. Like a date between two high schoolers."
Feeling this way was really nice. No matter how old we got, love was always something that made a person feel young. If you got tired in that relationship, it would only hurt you. Taking steps towards the kids singing, he followed me. "Shouldn't we support them?"
As I pointed to the kids, he nodded positively. The kids were still university students and were trying to make money somehow. I reached into my bag and prepared to throw some money. He watched what I was doing. Showing him the money, I threw the paper money into the guitar case they had placed in front of them. Returning to my spot, I looked at him. He also reached into his pocket, pulled out his wallet, and started doing something. Approaching me calmly, he showed the highest denomination note.
"Can I give this to them?"
My eyes widened. Was he really going to give it? "That might be a bit too much," He shook his head. "They are young people chasing their dreams. We need to support them." Before I could stop him, he moved forward and secretly put the pink-colored note into the case while the kid playing the guitar got excited.
"Please let us play a special piece for our couple."
The song suddenly turned into a romantic piece, and applause rose. When they said the word couple, I blushed. It was still too early for that. Even though I waved my hands as if to say no, Mr. Hakan, who came running to me with excitement, extended his hand. What did he want to do? He grabbed one of my hands and pulled me into the middle to dance to the music. I was very embarrassed right now.
As he turned me around and made me move, applause and whistles rose. I saw a few people taking videos of us. This was really embarrassing. But still, the nice feeling in my heart made me go along with it. When the song ended, "Please give a round of applause for our couple," shouted the kid singing.
I wanted to cover my face and hide my embarrassment. I was sure my face was bright red. While Hakan accepted all the applause, I had dragged him away from there. I took a deep breath to calm down as we moved away from the crowd. I didn't know he was this bold. While laughing breathlessly beside me, I glanced at him. He seemed to have had a lot of fun.
"This really felt amazing."
I nodded my head. For me, who was 27, and for him, who was 31, it must have been really exciting. He reached out and placed his hand on my head. As he gently patted it, I couldn't hide my surprise. My heart beat a few times quickly. "Thank you. For making me experience this evening like this."
While his hand stayed there for a while, I tried to smile. "I just really wanted to have fun. Thank you for accompanying me,"