Chapter 11: A Bit of Something
Hoping that certain situations always lead to better events isn't everyone's cup of tea. It's more than just being optimistic. It's about dragging life towards the good.
Approaching what is always beautiful isn’t just granted to those who dream about it... One should desire whatever is beautiful and good, and while reaching out for it, show that you're the best person to have it.
Ayça loosened her arms around Murat's neck, who she was riding piggyback on. She was a bit annoyed but didn't want to drive Murat away by talking about it. Still, she couldn't keep her blood from boiling.
"I'm the distraction, aren't I?" She wasn't as scary as they made her out to be. The idea that she was a big problem was ridiculous. Murat's silence seemed to confirm it.
Ayça shifted, indicating she wanted to get down, so Murat let her off. The fun of being carried on his back having ended, Ayça felt a bit grumpy. She started walking ahead, letting her hair down.
"Instead of staying silent, you could have said, 'No, darling,' or something," she said.
Murat replied with fake enthusiasm. "No, darling, whatever." Ayça couldn't see herself, didn't know what she could cause. She was just having fun, playing with the senior students who didn’t have time for fun, just like her father thought. How could she say something different when Ayça had already made Tolga look her way?
Feeling obligated just because he said so made Ayça frown. She compared him to Tolga without even realizing.
"You're not funny at all."
Hearing this, Murat stopped as if his feet were glued to the ground, lagging behind.
"Sorry for not being Tolga."
Ayça realized she had unwittingly touched on a sore point. But she didn't want to mend it, because that's how Murat was towards her. She turned around and replied in the same mockingly fake tone he had used.
"No, darling, whatever."
Ayça liked being a mirror in behaviors. It was the way of the world; to show not oneself but the reflection of what came...
After Murat looked at her silently for a while, he turned his gaze away. Ayça could see his irritation today. Normally, he managed to hide it well, and even if Ayça noticed, asking why would seem out of place.
But today, when it was so obvious, she asked, "Why are you so tense, Murat?"
He took a deep breath. He tried to stay calm, was not good at showing what was inside, but managed well once it was noticed.
"I'm having a bit of trouble dealing with the stress of studies."
Ayça moved to his side, took his arm to encourage him to walk, and gave advice.
"Then study less."
Murat matched her steps and realized Ayça didn't understand the situation. It was easy for her to say because everything was a game to her.
"It's easy for you to say. I'm really curious about your family; don't they tell you anything?"
Ayça looked up at him, leaning on his arm a bit heavily from fatigue. She thought about it and then laughed.
"They say a lot... But I don’t listen. Because it's my life."
Murat understood he shouldn't expect a different answer from her. He raised an eyebrow and half-smiled.
"Doing the whole 'my life my rules' thing?"
Ayça shook her head. She didn't have to carve out such a path for herself. Things had seemingly been easy for her from birth.
She didn't ponder over it; she took whatever life threw at her, interpreting everything as good, refusing to accept the bad, and lived believing it was good. She never stopped having fun. Even when told to study, she couldn’t take it seriously. She shared one of the reasons for this with Murat.
"No. My mom dropped out of school to marry my dad. And my dad kind of became a cop by chance..."
Murat tried to grasp her thoughts, looking puzzled.
"So, you're avoiding their pressures by bringing up their unsuccessful lives?"
It didn’t seem right to use that as an excuse. Murat thought about what it would be like if everyone lived thinking 'the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.' People would just repeat the lives of those before them. Their time on Earth would just pass by, amounting to nothing. Becoming a nobody would be that easy.
Ayça didn't quite think that way; she knew these weren’t reasons to follow a life laid out like rings in a chain. These reasons tied her to freedom.
Everyone should live their life, and resistance to impositions was necessary.
The term success, no matter how broadly defined, only opened up a little need in people. She wanted to explain this.
"No. I don’t see them as unsuccessful. Success is defined by each person's own terms. For instance, my mom was very successful at loving; she loved my dad under any circumstances. And my dad has been very successful at moving forward and looking ahead in life."
Murat was a bit surprised at her way of thinking. Every slacker had an excuse, and Murat knew excuses well. Ayça's reasoning sounded more like her truths. When her mom was mentioned, he felt the need to say something.
"I'm sorry, your mom passed away, right?"
Ayça looked at him with laughter, shaking off the pity and ready-to-be-sympathetic gaze.
"Yes. But I prefer keeping my head in trouble, not in sorrow. My mom died young. I'm sure if she could say one thing right now, it would be 'Live life.'"
Stretching her arms wide, she took a deep breath as if on behalf of her mom. Ayça wasn't saddened, nor did her smile waver. She missed her mom and knew she would miss her for the rest of her life. The only thing she could do for her mom in this world was to keep smiling.
Murat couldn't stop watching her. He wanted to dive into her head, grasp all her thoughts and ideas. He wanted to possess her soul, to be Ayça, in a way he had never envied anyone in his life.
"Still, there are people who aren't like you." He mentioned, and Ayça understood who he was talking about.
"Like you... Does your dad want you to study hard and beat Tolga?"
Murat hesitated to speak. Although he wanted to be open like Ayça, speaking openly was a bit hard.
"Actually, no."
Ayça moved closer to look at his face. What he said didn't sound genuine. She laughed as if to say, "Don’t lie to me." "Come on, I know your dad is obsessed with rankings."
Murat hadn't heard anyone talk about his dad like that before, as everyone respected him. He laughed at the comment but defended his father.
"Don't call my dad crazy. He believes in 'capacity,' understands I'm doing as much as I can."
This was far from the profile of Principal Akif they had formed. Akif had already been judged, and whether Murat tried to change that opinion was doubtful.
Considering the other possibility, she asked, "Your mom?"
Murat hesitated, then shook his head quietly. Before
Ayça could press further, he masked his pause. He wanted to vent, not just wander aimlessly. Since Ayça didn't care about rankings, she wouldn't see him as a competitor, wouldn't use the little things she said about herself against him.
"My grandfather. My mom's dad. We live together; him, my dad, and I. According to my grandfather, if my mom had one sentence to say, it would be 'Be first.'"
Ayça was taken aback. She stepped in front of him to look him in the eye. If someone spoke for his mother, it meant she was absent. And it was clear Murat was hiding this absence.
Ayça didn’t like people asking about her mom after she died. It took years to get used to it, but before that, she'd convince everyone her mom was still around, waiting at home, cooking warm meals for her daughter. It was childish, and she stopped as she grew up.
But it seemed Murat hadn’t stopped. She wanted to ask if his mom was dead but didn’t want to be cruel to someone avoiding the question.
Instead, she saved it for later. She didn’t want to push the boy away with his own fears. She didn't ask what happened to his mom. She acted as if it wasn’t important, as if it didn't matter. They didn't stray far from the topic at hand.
"What do you think? What would your mom say?"
"I don’t know."
Ayça looked at him compassionately, placing her hand on his shoulder to show her support.
"You're yielding to your grandfather because you don’t know. Forget him. Why are the locals here so crazy? I have one like that too. Don’t let it bother you."
Murat started to laugh, "Your grandma?" He asked, steering the girl in front of him to continue walking. He wanted to get her home as soon as possible and then go study.
Ayça, finding someone who shared her burden, immediately complained. "Yes. According to her, everything about me is wrong."
Murat raised an eyebrow, genuinely curious. "Like what’s right?"
He really wanted to know what she did right. Not being from here made her different, and she didn’t even fit in.
Ayça frowned at him. "So you think I’m full of flaws."
Murat didn’t hide it. He had made it clear he thought so, especially when he called her a 'distraction.'
"My dad told me a bit about what happened at your old school. The principal was fed up with you."
Ayça rolled her eyes; all she did was for fun. To her, all the complaints from others were just the games of a girl who liked to joke.
"Does being a bad student show I don’t have anything right?"
Murat thought for a moment before responding. It wasn’t about proving a point, just a discussion. So, he didn’t try to outdo her with his words, instead offered friendly advice.
"No, but to understand you, you need to talk about and show your rights."
Ayça burst into laughter; what he said was hilarious. Everyone tried to describe her with a wrinkled brow and a disapproving look, saying, "You’re a bit of a thing, aren’t you?" No one could find the right word to describe her. Now Murat was talking about getting to know her.
"You want to get to know me? Now you're starting to be funny, Murat."
Murat wasn’t bothered by her antics. In fact, her being like this made her attractive to him. But his dad's instruction to stay away from her and Ayça’s lack of effort to break that perception annoyed him. He had been glad she was studying these days. He wanted to tell his dad that Ayça wasn’t like what everyone thought. But Ayça’s words weren’t helping his case.
"I’m just wondering how dangerous you really are."
Ayça addressed his curiosity with a serious and stern tone. "I'm as dangerous as your dad fears me to be because of sitting next to you."
Murat countered. "I don’t think my dad is afraid of you. I don’t think you're really dangerous either."
Yet Ayça saw herself as the victor in games yet to start.
"Maybe you should tell him he should be afraid... Because no matter what happens, even if the world turns into a battleground, in the end, I'll still be laughing."
____
'Physics Class'
Nothing written on the board caught her interest, nor did she understand any of it. She just copied whatever she saw onto her notebook, pretending to study. She acted as if she understood the topic, but all she did was transcribe the board to her notebook.
Every time her long hair fell in front of her, she would push it back over her shoulders to her back. After doing this more than two or three times, her classmate Tolga couldn’t stand it anymore. The next time she did it, he whispered harshly,
"Pay attention to the class!"
"I am!"
She was still busy fixing her hair, checking her reflection in the window next to her to see if she looked good. She didn't seem to be paying attention to the class.
Tolga pulled her attention back to the board. "You keep playing with your hair."
Their whispering distracted a few students in the class, including Rabiya sitting directly behind them and Murat on the other side.
Ayça showed her hair and whined, "What can I do? It keeps falling in front of me."
"Don’t you have a hair tie? Tie it up."
Ayça smirked and shook her head in protest. "Open hair suits me better."
Tolga got annoyed, both because her hair kept falling and because she refused to tie it up, claiming it didn't suit her...
With a sigh, Tolga glanced at Ayça's bag. She didn’t seem willing to tie her hair up herself. If this continued, Tolga wouldn’t be able to concentrate on the lesson because of her.
"You’re such an idiot, Apocalypse Pony. Give me your hair tie."
When Ayça clicked her tongue and Tolga couldn’t stand it any longer, he reached out to gather the hair scattered over her shoulders. Ayça laughed and pulled away, happy to escape the lesson and bicker instead.
"What are you doing? My hair looks better open, don’t you think?" As Ayça spoke too much, Tolga turned her back so he could more easily gather her hair.
Ayça squirmed, bringing her hair forward again. Then she complained to escape from him. "Teacher, Tolga is pulling my hair."
The complaint, which was not typical for high school students, surprised the Physics Teacher. He asked, "Tolga?" looking at his most intelligent student.
Meanwhile, Tolga was glaring at Ayça like a child who had been tattled on. While she smirked back defiantly at him, he turned to the Teacher. If Ayça was stubborn, he was more so.
The young and attractive teacher surely had a spare hair tie, he thought.
"Teacher, do you have an extra hair tie? Ayça doesn't have one, and she’s too shy to ask anyone."
Ayça's eyes widened in surprise at his words. "Lies."
The teacher rummaged in her pocket and handed a rubber hair tie to a student in the front row
. As the students passed it back to the last two rows, where they were supposed to return to the lesson, the Teacher issued a final warning.
"Focus on the lesson now, no talking among yourselves..."
Tolga, reaching out before Ayça could grab the hair tie, waved it in the air triumphantly, showing he had won, and looked at Ayça for her to accept defeat.
Mimicking him, Ayça turned her back in a huff. Tolga, still laughing, began to tie her hair. As he worked, feeling the warmth of her hair through his fingers felt strange.
As he gathered her hair, the sight of her exposed neck and nape caught his eye. Her hair was soft, and its scent seemed to spread from her neck as he touched it. Tolga realized he had paused and felt embarrassed. While tying the hair tie, he tried not to touch her skin, but remembering their first kiss made him flush. The mere memory of her lips on his brought a phantom warmth.
Quickly turning to face forward and grabbing his pen, he tried to hide his flushed face and sweaty hands by pretending to listen to the lesson.
When Ayça turned to him and asked, "Feeling better now?" he couldn’t even look at her properly. Averting his eyes, he shushed her to prevent further conversation, "Quiet. I can’t hear the teacher."
____
'School Exit'
Everyone sprang up, tiredly heading home from the study center. Tolga quickly approached Ayça, who was strolling in the garden. It was clear she had dozed off through the entire lesson. She stretched and looked towards the setting sun. She wasn’t used to it being this cold around her before dark. Shivering, she swung her arms trying to warm up.
As Tolga approached, he noticed her swaying straight hair. She had taken her hair tie out again. Approaching her, he hooked his arms through her bag straps, intending to interrupt her silly meditation.
"Let's go," he said in a grumpy tone. Ayça rolled her eyes at him. He was always spoiling her mood, showing up right after she got out of tutoring. They were invited for dinner today.
Tolga planned to use this as an opportunity. He would take Ayça home, and until dinner was ready, he would make her study. Even after dinner...
Ayça could endure it for the total of 13,000 TL at stake. Tolga was sure he could afford it. Trusting him and biting the bullet wouldn’t disappoint her. But it bothered her to give in to him so easily.
Rabiya passing by was the perfect chance for revenge. Raising her voice in a mock flirtatious manner, Rabiya scared.
"Are you taking me home? How do you focus on your studies while you’re so in love with me, you silly."
Hitting his chest with a small slap and giving the cheesiest grin, Tolga had enough. He had witnessed her real side multiple times. He was surprised at her acting skills. But this misunderstanding and game had gone on too long.
"Ugh, aren't you tired of this act?" he complained to Ayça then called out to Rabiya behind him. "There’s nothing between us, Rabiya."
Hearing him, Rabiya stopped and turned. "You don’t have to explain. We're not in a relationship anymore."
Ayça thought the same. She glared at Tolga, upset he cared about the girl's broken relationship but now made explanations. "Exactly, who cares who you date!"
Tolga didn't understand why she reacted so strongly. Confused, he explained to Rabiya instead of her.
"Not because she cares. She’s organized girl groups calling me dishonorable. Everyone turns their face away whenever I ask for anything."
Ayça’s mouth hung open, then she walked towards Rabiya. "Did you really do that?"
Rabiya stiffened as Ayça approached her aggressively. "No way..." she denied.
Hearing this, Ayça felt let down. She had gotten excited for nothing. "I was going to say let's be pals if you did. It's a cool move."
While Rabiya tried to make sense of her, Murat joined them. His arrival was marked by Ayça's wide grin and Tolga's eye roll.
Tolga was disdainful of Ayça’s flirty behavior. She became a lioness around him but acted like a kitten because Murat was handsome.
Murat enjoyed being welcomed so warmly by Ayça. Her smile changed when she saw him, making him feel valued. Plus, her attentive behavior pleased him.
"Shall we walk together, Ayça? I’ll take you home."
Tolga, the most uncomfortable with this arrangement, stepped between them like a guardian of old, guarding young maidens. It almost made him as angry as Murat. But there was nothing he could do. Ayça needed to study.
Cutting between them, he said, "Apocalypse Pony is coming with me."
His declaration surprised Ayça. When Murat looked at the boy with anger, she felt important. Excited to see them fight, she watched the two boys, unable to contain her excitement.
"I've become the girl who can't be shared."
Murat collected himself, thinking it silly to get involved in such a situation. He had seen Tolga gathering her hair in class that day, carrying her on his back on the street; they were close. It was unnecessary to turn this into another rivalry like their grade ranking.
"There’s no situation to share. You already had plans. Maybe another time for a walk."
His easy surrender motivated Ayça. Pushing Tolga aside as if they hadn't made plans to study, she spoke up.
"What plans? I don't remember agreeing to any."
Tolga brought her back to reality. He pulled her aside, away from the others, with a polite tone. "Apocalypse Pony, let's talk for a minute."
While Rabiya left, uninterested, Murat waited. Speaking in a low voice, close enough so only she could hear, he scolded.
"What are you saying? We’re going to our place, Apocalypse Pony, to study. Don’t even think about bailing!"
Ayça looked for ways to escape. She was going to walk home anyway. "Murat can drop me off then."
Tolga was about to object when Ayça spoke with a sparkle in her eyes.
"I'm not missing the chance to walk with this handsome boy."
Assuming she had the last word, she started to leave when Tolga grabbed her arm and pulled her towards him. "Don’t be silly, come here."
Ayça was determined, this opportunity couldn’t be missed. With her eyes still on Murat, she tried to break free. "After all my flirting, now that he offers a walk, I can’t back down! Never!"
Tolga stopped her and tried to dissuade her by holding her shoulders and facing her. "Think of the 3,000. Think of the money, Apocalypse Pony, you love money."
Ayça shook her head. "Is the money in my hand? No. But the handsome boy is right here..."
Their seemingly nonsensical actions confused Murat, feeling like he was watching a play but missing the plot.
He called out,
knowing Ayça was struggling in this game.
"Ayça, if you’re not free, it's fine."
His call distracted Tolga, who loosened his grip, allowing Ayça to slip away. He had lost this battle; Ayça had gone to Murat, and he was left staring at his empty hand.
Ayça rushed to Murat, hanging on the straps of her bag, her eyes shining. She was the kitten...
"I was just asking Tolga if I should invite you to the Road Cafe for a hamburger?"
Murat didn’t believe the lie but was charmed by Ayça’s smile. "You should ask me, not him."
Considering this might mean he wanted the invitation, she turned to him as they started walking.
"Shall we go have hamburgers at the Road Cafe?"
Murat laughed and refused. "No." His prompt refusal after prompting her question frustrated Ayça. She frowned in annoyance.
"Why play hard to get if you're going to say no?"
"I may be playing, but your interest flatters me. It’s the first time I've been spoiled, please excuse me."
He said it so innocently and sweetly, adding a charming smile, that Ayça melted inside. Walking side by side, she couldn’t stop looking at his face and smile. Even his spoiled behavior seemed endearing.
"Don’t mention it, darling. Relax, you can do anything you haven’t done before with me. You can think naughty thoughts."
Murat, as if afraid, kept a certain distance and warned, "You won’t corner me and kiss me, right? That would be harassment."
Ayça closed the distance, tiptoeing to get close to his face, and asked curiously.
"Then will you corner me and kiss me?"
As Murat examined the beautiful face close to his, he sighed. "What kind of thing are you?"
Ayça stepped back, realizing Murat no longer cared about keeping his distance. For the first time, she liked being described in a tone that implied, "What kind of thing are you?"
"I really liked that question in that tone."