***Chapter Two***
"The Traveler"
From Ayça
Life always tests you. What should you do? Curse at life like there's no tomorrow. Make sure those curses are creatively colorful.
We're on the fifth day following my dad's impulsive decision. After finding out who would be the first to go to my grandmother's town, he decided to ship me off as well. The longer he waited, the worse it was for him.
He had found no way out. Neither persuasion nor deception worked on him. He couldn't just resign himself to my fate with a heavy heart. If nothing else works, surely something could come from the lips. I could smile and even laugh.
Even if I was sorrowful.
If laughter and happiness are crafted in this world and achieving happiness is a victory, then I should reign supreme over it. I must keep the fox farm and genie bottles strong.
I turned to the only partner in life I have, my soul sister in her forties. She was a sister at heart to my mom and dad without sharing a drop of their blood. And I automatically entered her life as a niece, mooching off her existence.
"Uncle Göktuğ, my dad is your responsibility until I get there. About a week or so."
It might not even last that long. They should have known this. But they made vows by air and land to drag Ayça through hell and back. We were on the sidewalk in front of the apartment, not lifted at dawn but close to noon, waiting for Uncle Göktuğ to pick me up.
While waiting, Uncle Göktuğ stroked my hair. "Oh, my girl, if only you saw this as an opportunity. Look, you're going to start at a new school. A school with a great education system. If you could just focus on your studies... You'd be set here in five months."
What exams? Isn't life the ultimate test given by the creator? Why bow down to ÖSSYM then? Only the creator can test me.
To not upset his kindness, I kept my wildly free and undeniably stubborn opinions to myself. He straightened my hair and affectionately hugged me. I soaked up all the love.
Me, him, and my dad...
After my mom passed away, we were like a gang. My dad was a cop, and he was an inspector in the national education system. I could do whatever I wanted; I was never in trouble. Now, they were sending me away. It felt like I was being kicked out of the game.
But I don't need too much drama, my grandmother will surely send me back. She never liked me anyway. Now it would be a short adventure. I would collect moments and, with a literary flair, buy a diary to transfer my experiences. After all, I didn't have a school anymore. I had plenty of free time. I could act however I wished in each moment.
I had no other choice.
Otherwise, I'd die of boredom. I couldn't work anywhere, and I was sure none would suit me, so I'd be left wandering the streets. I needed material to be myself. All the toys were people; I couldn't stay away from them.
With a knowing look, I slightly lifted my chin and spoke. "Do you know what I often think, Uncle Göktuğ?" I said, with a mature air.
He tapped my temple with his finger, smiling. "What often runs through this crazy mind?"
The oldest pages of life are called history. Every sentence crossed out in history is not wrong but tried to be forgotten.
Before I left, I played my moves and threw my stones at those mistakes. "You were in love with my mom, weren't you?" I blurted out, causing panic. Years ago, the spark of youthful energy was first ignited by Uncle Göktuğ. It was a short and quickly extinguished fire that dried up its pot and turned into friendship.
I was interested in the spark part. So, I used it. "You loved her-" I cut him off as he started to react and continued. Sharing the biggest regret inside him, I reflected anger in my eyes.
"I wish my mom had married you so I could have been your daughter. I don't know what she saw in my dad."
Uncle Göktuğ, a loyal brother, was irritated and warned me. "Shh, don't say that. Your father is a wonderful man." I waved my hand dismissively, brushing him off.
"Yeah, right. Let's go, Uncle Göktuğ, we both know my dad."
Uncle Göktuğ couldn't make sense of my words. "Why do you say that? You love your dad." It was true, I loved him. He was my never-ending amusement park. He had to put up with me forever, and I could play with him as much as I wanted.
I quickly grinned and pointed towards the apartment door. "He's eavesdropping from the hideout, I wanted some drama for fun."
We all laughed, at least until my dad came over and thumped my head. "You little devil."
Regardless of journey or not, I had my hair done. Such beauty shouldn't be wasted, but my dad wanted to spoil it.
No matter what worries I have, I'm one of those people who always sees beauty in the mirror. The world keeps spinning; it should only change the matters of life, not me... Again, I should rise with a smile, looking at the pretty girl in the mirror.
"Why are you hiding, dad? As if I have sentences to keep from everyone." I was annoyed that he was listening from behind the door. My dad was annoyed at my fearless sentences.
"I wish you did," he retorted, and just to annoy him further, I repeated what I said earlier.
"I wish Uncle Göktuğ was my dad." Persisting in the joke was like encouraging reality. I could do this annoyance.
When he challenged me, "Is that so? Sold you to Göktuğ then," I immediately turned the situation to my advantage. I dropped my suitcase. "This means I'm not going to grandma's. You're not my dad anymore." I staged an uncontrollable rise and challenge. "Why should I listen to you then!" The true face I had been hiding for days had emerged.
My dad didn't react; he just picked up the suitcase I left. He wasn't even bothering with me. "Come on, your uncle's here," he said, pointing to the approaching black Doblò. I rolled my eyes at my dad.
"What kind of person are you, dad! He's not my uncle. He's my mom's uncle. You can't even recognize relatives." I narrowed my eyes suspiciously at him. "Are you by any chance sending me to the neighbor thinking it's grandma? She doesn't like me either." She would send me back home quickly, too.
We all laughed. When the old man got out of the car and came to us, seeing me, he said, "Oh, our beautiful girl, how you've grown and become beautiful." My favorite type of person. No hello or good morning, straight to compliments.
I immediately turned to my family. "Look, be ashamed! You raised me among men. Anyone who sees is surprised, of course." After making my
displeasure known, I turned to the old man, not quite sure what he was to me.
"Give me your hand to kiss, uncle grandpa of my mom's uncle."
After kissing the hand of the man whose age suited grandfathers more and touching it to my forehead, I moved to get into the car. My dad called out and stopped me.
"Girl, you didn't say goodbye."
I made a gesture as if it wasn't a big deal. It could be thought of as if I was just going to a nearby market.
"I'll be back in a week, dad. No need for drama now. But if you say so," I turned to exploit his emotions. "The road is dangerous; if you're worried about an accident, I can stay."
With my offer, I moved away from the car towards them. My dad didn't fall for the cheap drama, but Uncle Göktuğ couldn't help but hug me.
"Come here, I'll hug you anyway. Take care of yourself, okay? My phone is always on; call me if you need anything. It'll be warm there, so I put a red scarf for you in your suitcase. Don't forget it, okay? And study hard."
When he let me go, I wasn't sure if his words had really sunk in. Maybe because he never had a child or perhaps because his biggest dream was to be a mother, he was so emotional towards me. My dad and I also hugged. I wrapped my arms around his back and squeezed him. He pulled me to his chest.
"I have nothing left to warn you about. Say hi to your grandma for me," he said, opening his arms. Before leaving, I wanted to annoy him one last time.
"Why, so she can curse at you?"
My grandmother never liked him. Thankfully, she didn't like me any more than him. My dad was irritated by my mocking.
"Get out of here, you donkey."
With a hint of anger, he hugged me again. While I was getting engulfed in hugs inside and out, I almost said, if you love me so much, I won't go. But then my dad spoke.
"My dear girl, don't get yourself into trouble."
His voice indicated a sharp turn into drama. I wanted to dispel this mood immediately, so I separated from them.
"What's with the 'donkey,' dad? You turned this into a military send-off. By the way, dad..." I checked his pulse like a face, ready to deliver the sting of a wasp. "I think you got cuckolded, just so you know. She found someone new."
To avoid being caught, I ran to the car. That's just who I am; I prefer to leave with laughter rather than hugs. I enjoy irritating people, even if it seems illogical, with different and unexpected things...
My dad was coming towards the car to catch me, and Uncle Göktuğ stepped in front of him to stop him.
This was my life tableau. I chased my fun, annoying everyone, including my dad. Then Uncle Göktuğ would save me.
As we were ready to leave and waving at each other, my dad, thinking I couldn't hear, said, "How does she know you liked her mother, Göktuğ?" "How would I know?" Uncle Göktuğ responded, and my mood was restored.
They were very supportive of each other lately. Did you think I'd leave without causing a stir between you? I happily turned to the front and engaged in conversation with the old man.
"So, grandpa. How long will the journey take? You can handle it, right? Considering your age is advancing. Do you have rheumatism? My legs hurt even at this age."
***
When the car finally stopped, it was evening. My whole body was stiff from sitting as I got out of the car. I could barely open the door. We had traveled through two cities and spent more than half a day on the road. I stretched my neck and did a few movements to activate my muscles. While I was doing gymnastics on the sidewalk, the old man brought my suitcase.
"Come on, your grandmother must be waiting for you. Who knows what Naime has prepared."
She must have prepared all sorts of tortures for me. I smiled sneakily without revealing my true thoughts.
"Who knows, indeed."
I barely climbed the garden stairs, thankful that they lived in a single-story house; otherwise, I wouldn't have managed to climb the stairs in my condition. As I slowly made my way with my numbed feet, the old man had already knocked on the door. My grandmother, whom I hadn't seen for a long time, opened the door.
Her body had succumbed a bit more to gravity, her chest sagged, and her face bore the anxiety of a near appointment with the Grim Reaper. Or maybe it was because she saw me.
The Grim Reaper or me...
As my travel companion, the old man, presented me as if announcing good news. "Naime, look, I brought your granddaughter." For a moment, I thought she'd say take her back. But she didn't, though it would have been better if she had. Without a welcome, I entered and dropped my suitcase while dragging it.
My grandmother immediately complained. "We have guests, be quiet. My in-laws are here." Without a welcome or inquiry about my well-being, she started to prick me with her thorns. Was it really that hard to offer a fake welcome and ask how I was doing?
Seriously, it's not hard. I can lie with such ease; I know it's not hard because of that.
It means she didn't want to. Let the war begin, then. The lethargy from my journey vanished instantly. I gave her a stern look and then, making sure the guests could hear, I yelled as I headed inside.
"Oh, my dear grandmother loves me so much!"
She followed me, scolding in a hushed tone. "Apocalyptic Pony, don't embarrass us."
I turned to her with fake sincerity at one point. "Would I ever, grandma? Please." Before she could catch me, I burst into the living room. Hearing our voices, Aunt Feride, who was standing by the door, had risen to her feet.
Such beauty, Naime's genes after all. The beauty was definitely ingrained in our genes.
I opened my arms and hugged her. "Oh, my auntie." I pulled back and looked at her face, cringing.
"Aren't you my aunt? What's with this makeup!.. Stay away from water; if they see your real face, they won't take you."
She just laughed at my words. She wasn't angry or giving me warning glances. My grandmother caught me by the arm, trying to pull me away without the others noticing.
"You must be tired from the journey. Let me show you your room, my granddaughter."
I wriggled my arm free and moved away from her towards the guests. Stirring things up never tired me; I didn't need to rest. I needed to blend among the in-laws and create a safe zone for myself.
"No, dear grandmother, it would be rude while we have guests. Besides, I'm not tired at all. Don't worry about me."
I sat next to the woman I assumed was the mother-in-law. Her exposed
neck, the forced posture, was a classic mother-in-law stance...
As I sat down, I nudged her daughter with my bottom. Before I could ask about her well-being, the woman spoke. "Are you the granddaughter of the late ones?" she asked, looking at me with pity. Ah, my favorite subject... A golden ticket to sympathy.
"That's me. My mom left this world at an old age." I waited for the right moment to turn their happy day sour. If I could upset them now, it'd be so much fun. The woman put her hand on my leg to console me.
"God takes his beloved ones early."
Just as I was about to launch into my sad act, I stopped myself. I turned to her with a suppressed laugh and whispered as if sharing a secret.
"Then God doesn't love my grandmother because she's quite old."
The woman tried not to laugh, but couldn't help it and chuckled. My grandmother, who had been listening from a distance, scolded me under the guise of affection.
"One doesn't whisper in company, Ayça."
"No, grandma, I'm not whispering. You're just getting old, and your hearing's going."
As I emphasized "old," the woman next to me laughed. I continued, lowering my voice again. "Looks like the groom will get rid of his mother-in-law sooner than expected."
Then I looked around curiously, having forgotten the main character. "Oh, who's the groom?"
The man, who was sitting away from the elders on a chair and didn't seem too handsome but had a presence, made himself known under the others' gazes.
"That would be me. Welcome."
Whether I was truly welcomed remained to be seen, darling...
I raised my eyebrow at the man, trying to intimidate him, mimicking my father's police mannerisms. I was acting beyond my years.
"Let me have your ID. I'll check your criminal record. After all, I only have one aunt."
As I mentioned my single aunt, the bride-to-be coughed. Then I saw the other aunt with a courthouse face next to her. I corrected my mistake with a fake smile.
"Oops, looks like I have another one."
The groom confidently showed he had nothing to hide. "Sure, I'll give it to you sometime." Or maybe he just ignored me, trying to get rid of me. Maybe he was showing off to the others.
I couldn't tell for sure; he seemed sneaky. Those who lie know the scent of lies. I responded with a laugh.
"I like your confidence, brother-in-law." Then I laughed in a cheesy way. "I've given you my aunt, brother-in-law, take a bite wherever you want." This came off a bit inappropriate in front of the elders. My grandmother couldn't stand it.
"Apocalyptic Pony. Enough is enough; I have my limits."
Her threatening gaze made me feel as if I had asked for a special request from the Grim Reaper. The woman didn't care about guests that day. Respect among the elderly was long gone.
"I was wondering where my grandmother was?" Now that she had shown her true colors to everyone, it meant I had achieved my goal.
"Just go to your room and settle in," she ordered, as if kicking me out. I didn't lose my demeanor. I knew she would do this; the important thing was that the dear in-laws learned as well. I ignored her.
"Now, settling in, then packing up again, it's hard. Just put the suitcases directly in my room." I ordered as if I were instructing a hotel staff.
"Weren't you here to study?" Aunt Gülşen, revealing her presence with her disapproving glances, asked. This aunt would definitely turn into her mother in the future, no doubt.
"Grandma would kick me out in two days. And come on, auntie, who comes here to study?" I belittled their place. I had a good reason for looking down on it since I had observed the town to be quite small on the way here.
"What's wrong with this place?"
A boy my age entered the living room, catching everyone's attention. My least favorite thing was when the spotlight was taken away from me. I dismissed him to keep the focus on me.
"You're too young to understand, kid. Children listen when adults are talking, they don't interfere."
My grandmother, who had endured me until then, couldn't take it anymore. It was hard to bear me for this long. "Exactly, Apocalyptic Pony, go to your room..." she started, but I got up as if being kicked out. If they thought she was treating her motherless granddaughter poorly, it wouldn't be too bad.
I glanced at a few guests who started to look at my grandmother with disapproval. Upon this, she felt compelled to explain.
"Don't mind her; my granddaughter is a bit... you know."
The worst. They wanted to insult me but couldn't find the right words, so they grimaced and settled for a worthless "thing."
I immediately responded without leaving any trace of my victimhood. No one had the right to fault me; I wouldn't allow it.
"What am I, grandma? I'm a top-notch girl."
As the boy, who had been silent since I arrived, passed by me, he muttered loud enough for me to hear, "We'd believe you were a nut if we hadn't seen one." I ignored him, acting as if I was the one leaving voluntarily, not the one being expelled. A little walk might do my legs some good.
"Anyway, I'm going out for some air." I tossed my hair back over my shoulder.
My grandmother looked puzzled. "Where to where?" she repeated, asking me to clarify. I turned to the woman we had been gossiping with.
"I told you, she has hearing problems."
My grandmother had become quite grouchy and bitter with age. You'd think I was the one. Something had happened to her. "Listen here, Apocalyptic Pony, you can't just go out in the middle of the night here."
Turning to her after her manifesto in front of everyone, I looked at the gossiping woman with a pitying gaze, as if feeling sorry for my grandmother. "Poor thing, she's lost her sense of time due to old age." I addressed my grandmother directly.
We needed to establish from the start that such restrictions wouldn't work on me. Even if I had to stay for a few days, I couldn't deal with limitations. I have a phobia of being restricted.
"It's eight o'clock, grandma."
"Apocalyptic Pony—" My grandmother stepped towards me when Aunt Gülşen intervened. Not that I like her, mind you.
My mom didn't like her sister either. If I had a sister like that, I'd encourage her to elope.
"Let her go, mom. She just got here and..." she trailed off. After cutting off my grandmother, she used her thick eyebrows to indicate the male guests. "We have guests."
As my grandmother backed down, I imitated my aunt, using my eyebrows to gesture towards the guests. Then Aunt Feride spoke up. "Sweetie, do you even know your way around here?" Poor thing, as if she had been given away to this family. She might not know she was adopted, but one could guess. She didn't resemble
her other aunt or her mother at all.
She was one of the few people who seemed genuinely concerned for me. In fact, she might be the only one. As I grew older, every time I stepped outside, my dad would pray for the people I encountered. But now, Aunt Feride was worried for me.
"I hope I get lost, auntie. I hope so."
Aunt Feride turned to the boy who had seen a nut. "Tolga, sweetie, could you accompany her? You could get to know each other, become friends." What was the need for this, I wondered.
"This nut-seen boy will accompany me?" I looked at him in disbelief, scrutinizing him with evident disdain. He was slim-fit, not my type.
Tall and broad-shouldered was a must-have. If he couldn't envelop me in a hug, what was the point? Though, we were just supposed to walk. But a person like Ayça evaluates everyone.
"Auntie, please." I begged, not wanting her to insist.
"You know you're the only person in this family I like, right? Well, you're the only one who likes me, too."
She smiled and turned our goodbye into some cheesy romance. I quickly broke away and passed by my grandmother with flair. If I had sunglasses, I would've flashed her a look, but I didn't. So, I just flipped my long hair over my shoulder and walked past.
***
All unfamiliar streets look alike. No matter which path I took, it felt like I was walking down the same sidewalk again. Trying to ignore the "I'm bored" vibes from the nut-seen boy trailing behind me, I ended up back at the house and lost it.
I stretched my arms out and screamed, "How is this even possible!" How did I end up back here after all that walking? I crouched and ran my hands through my hair, losing confidence.
I prided myself on being smart, yet I couldn't navigate out of this small place.
No giving up. I'll find you, unknown road. As the ancient Chinese philosophers say, no matter how much you turn, your behind is always behind you. Trusting in my behind, I gave myself a little smack and set off again. I'll show you, my behind will stay behind while I forge ahead.
When I inevitably returned home, thinking I'd give up, my new poodle, putting on airs, approached with his hands in his pockets. Trying not to care, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
I mimicked him, putting my hands in my pockets too, looking not at the path I'd walked but into the distance.
"There used to be a pond I visited as a kid. That's where I'm headed." Well, not really making any progress, though.
"It's not that way." He suddenly veered to the right. This guy definitely thinks he's something.
"Where is it then, Mr. Navigator?"
Without losing his demeanor, he said, "Follow me." This kid, if he doesn't drop his cool act and get annoying, I don't know what I am.
I've seen plenty like him; they all think they're cool until they lose themselves in the rhythm of the music. Especially if I'm in charge of the music, they definitely lose it.
If your life's background music is "lorke," no matter how hard you try, even if you're dancing to a waltz, that neck will snap. This will be my unsolicited advice for the future.
I sped up to walk beside him. "I'll walk with you. I have a phobia of being followed."
He turned his head towards me and said, "As you wish." When he responded with indifference, I grinned smugly. "There's no other way."
It's always how I want, anyway. If he thought otherwise, I'd feel sorry for him.
While studying my face, he commented in an intrigued tone, "You're weird."
"Being unique is often mentioned more," I boasted, immediately inflated by ego. He deflated it by adding, "I doubt it." All my pomp disappeared as I faced forward, starting a casual conversation. After a day of poor exchanges with my mom's uncle who's also an uncle and apparently a grandfather, I needed a youthful chat.
"So, nut-seen boy, what's your name? What relation are you to the groom?"
"Tolga," he said calmly. "The groom you're talking about is my brother." There was an odd tone in his voice when he said it. A tone that made it clear he wasn't too pleased with his brother or his situation.
I frowned and turned to him. "What's with that emphasis? Do you call my aunt the bride?"
He quickly corrected himself. "It's just odd, my brother being a groom."
Was he the family's neglected younger child, or had they focused too much on his brother and forgotten him? I had read all the new girl stories before coming here, convinced I'd find myself in one of their plots. Thus, I could predict what the characters would be like.
I touched his shoulder in a consoling manner. "We can dress you in a bridal gown if you'd like, Mr. Tolga." He shrugged off my hand and smiled insincerely. "You're hilarious. What's your name?"
"Ayça," I declared with the confidence as if I were announcing royalty. Then I paused. "My grandmother calls me Apocalyptic Pony," I admitted, not sure why I felt the need to share.
His brows furrowed. "What does that mean?" I shrugged. "It's what they call someone who stirs up trouble, I guess." That's what I knew.
He started to laugh heartily, as if he had just discovered the joke of the century. "I've rarely seen nicknames suit their owners so well." I scrunched my face, mimicking his laughter.
"Very funny."
As we walked, he asked, "Don't you go to school or something? Why are you on holiday now?"
None of your business... But I didn't want to leave him hanging, so I played it up. "I like to take holidays all year round. It's my style."
He stopped and stared at me as if he were a detective or the keeper of life's ledger. "Smells fishy." I didn't appreciate his inquisitive attitude.
If he'd just stuck to playing it cool, I wouldn't mind. But the judging looks, the guilt he tried to pin on me, those weren't things I'd let slide.
I marched up to him threateningly. "Oh, so you're insisting on sniffing around."
He held his ground, the defiant nut. "No, I don't stick my nose where it doesn't belong... It's just, my brother's getting married, and inevitably, we'll end up in each other's way."
I looked down on him, literally and figuratively, making his meddlesomeness clear. He seemed a bit sickened now. Before he could grow fonder of his newfound audacity, I needed to put him in his place.
"You're not significant enough to be in my way."
"Maybe you should watch your big words. You're pretty bold for someone who just arrived and started belittling everything, including me."
I flashed him a dazzling
smile, letting him know I wasn't taking his tough-guy act seriously. "Watch out, you wouldn't want to mess with me." Honestly, one of the rare moments I spoke the truth. It was a fact; those who knew me, knew messing with me or getting tangled with me led to regret.
He clenched his teeth and closed the distance between us, his anger palpable. "And who might you be? Think you're someone special because you came from the big city?"
I looked up defiantly, challenging the height difference and his face looming above.
"If I showed you who I am, you'd cry."
"Then show me," he dared, just as a girl, having watched us for a while, decided she couldn't stay away any longer. Women always spot jealousy in another woman's eyes. So, based on that, I made my move.
As the girl approached us asking, "Tolga, honey?" with curiosity, the devil got the better of me.
I rose on my tiptoes and pressed my lips to Tolga's, holding the back of his head to prevent him from pulling away. When the girl's scream filled the street, I joyfully separated from the nut-seen boy. She dragged him away before he could process her shock, berating him.
"What's happening? Were you cheating on me?"
Only girls can pull off jealousy acts; their true feelings slip out in the heat of the moment. Before we could digest her accusation, she slapped him hard. Tears in her eyes, she turned and ran, leaving us behind.
If I'm not good at anything else, I excel at reading people.
Tolga, stuck between wanting to follow her and facing me, couldn't find the words. His mouth and eyes were wide open, like a goldfish trying to understand the situation.
While I struggled to contain my laughter, he turned to me in disbelief. "How could you do that?"
I shrugged, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "You wanted to see, didn't you?"
I wasn't at fault, after all. He was the one who asked for it. This was a provocation, and from now on, he'd think twice before challenging someone he barely knew.
"You're a devil."
"Telling me something I don't know." I waved him off, undisturbed by his newfound revelation. Unable to stand me any longer, he stormed off. "Find your own way home!" he shouted.
I called after him, playing my final card. "Okay. I'll just go home and cry, saying you forced a kiss on me. Your call?"
He stopped dead in his tracks and turned. "You wouldn't."
He thought I might actually do it. His disbelief was practically captioned in his gaze. I reinforced his suspicion.
"I kissed you within half an hour of meeting you. Think I can't do that? Plus, it's a great reason to go back home."
Actually, I couldn't really use that excuse; my dad would demand evidence. I couldn't exactly show my lips as proof, especially since the girl had seen it happen.
As Tolga approached me again, eyebrows raised, he asked,
"Are you trouble?"
I deflated his ego quickly, not letting him think there was anything special about our interaction.
"Not just for you, I'm the same with everyone." I made it clear he wasn't special, poor thing.
***
I changed into my pajamas and lay on the narrow bed. Why was it so small? As I pondered, I scanned the room. One wall had a dark wooden cupboard. It wasn't even a wardrobe, just a cupboard.
The room's other notable feature was this small, uncomfortable bed. Why did they give me this room? They might as well have made me sleep on the balcony. Actually, Naime Sultan would've done it with pleasure. I already missed my bed, my home. I glanced at my suitcase on the floor, realizing how different the places where I packed and unpacked it were. The knock on the door distracted me from my thoughts.
"May I come in?" Hearing Aunt Feride's voice, I abandoned the idea of pretending to sleep. I sat up and invited her in.
"Come in, auntie. I was just about to sleep."
She entered, hesitating, and sat on the edge of my bed after scanning the room for a bit. Then, as if compelled, she turned to me.
"How are you, Ayça?"
I brushed off her simple question, making it easier for her to get to whatever she wanted to discuss. We were practically strangers, but I talk to strangers the same way.
"Same old, auntie. How about you? You're getting married again, are you sure he's the right guy? Or is it a try-until-you-find-the-right-one situation?"
Her smile was briefly overshadowed by sadness. "Wow, you've grown up enough to have these conversations!"
What did she expect, that I'd stay ten years old forever? Maybe because they weren't there as I grew up, they're surprised. But if they had been around, like Uncle Göktuğ, they would've witnessed my growth. Actually, I didn't want them around.
It's funny; they act as if I pushed them away, making our separation my fault. As if the reason our bonds broke was my doing. As if I decided, they wouldn't be part of my life.
I reminded her of death to make her recall my mom. "Only the dead stay the same age, auntie. What was I supposed to do? Of course, I grew up."
Her momentary happiness was replaced by sorrow. I didn't feel bad about it. Growing up and understanding myself, I wondered if I enjoyed others' misery. Then I realized.
It wasn't their misery that pleased me; it was seeing them get what they deserved.
"Do you miss your mom?" she asked tentatively. I shrugged noncommittally. "I don't know."
"What do you mean?" she probed, wanting to dig deeper, but I waved it off.
"Never mind that, Auntie... Grandma Naime hasn't even come to see me. If she doesn't want me here, I can leave right away."
She understood I was trying to use this as an excuse to leave. If a raindrop fell on me, I'd claim grandma Naime spat on me just to find a reason to go.
"You don't want to stay here, do you?"
She already knew the answer. I didn't shy away from being honest. "Don't take it personally... But, auntie, I really screwed up this time. I wouldn't be here otherwise."
To be honest, even if it wasn't for school, no one could make me come here. Though, after giving it some thought on the way, I swore I'd leave but was also ready to stay for school. If I found school worth staying, I'd find a way out of this house. That door was always open to me.
"Ayça, we love you very much."
I didn't understand why she said that. I corrected her, making it clear I saw through their act.
"You love me, auntie. I'm not a child; I notice everything."
When I washed my face before bed, my makeup washed off, revealing the last marks of a fight I had at school.
"What happened to your
face?" she asked, worried. "I got beaten up."
"Did you get into a fight?" Her surprise and a hint of pity for me were evident. Aunt Feride was sincere in her emotions. But I wasn't interested in her feelings. Being around her didn't change anything.
It was like feeling sorry for a street cat during a walk but forgetting about it once you're home. She hadn't remembered me when I wasn't in sight and wouldn't remember me once I was gone again.
Therefore, her feelings and thoughts didn't really matter. What mattered was how much fun I could have.
"No, just got beaten up. They went all out on me; this is the aftermath."
"Ayça, didn't your dad do anything to those who hit you?" I waved my hand dismissively, indicating it was no big deal. My dad had long accepted my nature and let me be.
"He said I probably deserved it, and that was that. I'm branded as the troublemaker, so he rarely questions the other side."
She lamented softly, "How did you grow up?"
I would have liked her to be there. I wasn't denying that. I would have preferred to grow up with a woman by my side, not trailing behind my dad and Uncle Göktuğ, not being raised as nothing less than a boy. Instead, I was the child left to my dad, the outcast son-in-law. And that's how I grew up.
"We weren't there for you. You have every right to be angry with us."
I waved my hand again, indicating it was all water under the bridge. "Nah, I don't hold grudges. I didn't even get mad at grandma when she scolded me in front of everyone at my mom's funeral. If I were mad, I would have torn the house down." I quickly glanced at the door. "Right, grandma?" I added her into our conversation.
I smirked as I turned my gaze towards the door that had been slightly ajar. This was the trend of the day, eavesdropping.
"What?" My aunt looked around until I pointed out. "Grandma's listening to us." Naime Sultan straightened up and entered with dignity. "I'm not listening. What's there to listen to? I'm waiting for you to finish. I have something to say."
"Speak, Naime Sultan," I prompted, my face betraying my nonchalance. My quick mood shift seemed to unnerve her.
"We have certain ways here. You can't just do as you please. Be more reserved, weighty. You'll go from school to home, home to school. Just like your cousins."
I challenged her declaration with mockery. "Should I also do fifty push-ups a day?"
She furrowed her brows, "What are you saying?" Taking her confrontation head-on, I lashed out with the fierceness of a storm.
"You can't discipline me with shouting, grandma! If you knew what I was like, you wouldn't have accepted me. I can't handle rules; I have a phobia."
Naime Sultan recoiled in surprise, not expecting my retort. As she tried to regain her composure, she muttered,
"Such attitudes! Disrespectful."
The one at a disadvantage always pays the price. She had come to put me in my place and push me back from the get-go, but I was well-versed in these games.
"You can't judge my manners, grandma!" I stood on the bed, ready to pounce, displaying such insolence. As her aggressiveness matched mine, she advanced with the same fervor.
"And what if I do, Apocalyptic Pony?"
I settled back down with a devilish grin, my sudden change disarming her.
"It seems we need to get acquainted as well." It was a promise of mischief to come. If my name was indeed Ayça, I could stealthily strip a man down to his underwear without him noticing, weave deceptions into his life without a thread showing.
Aunt Feride intervened. "Ayça, please, mom. Calm down, you're fighting on the first day."
We both looked at her.
Feeling a lengthy sermon coming on, I pulled my blanket over me and shooed them away. "Leave now; I'm going to sleep." How I had come to claim the room as mine to the extent of kicking them out was beyond me.
Naime Sultan, bouncing back from the shock of my boldness, left to cool her head elsewhere, while my aunt lingered.
"Ayça, please, don't make a fuss. Try to get along with mom a bit." I turned away, "Fuss? Like kissing the groom, does that count?" I turned my back to her, leaving a pair of wide eyes behind. This was just the beginning.
I was just getting started.