CHAPTER 13
TRAPPED BREATH
Thinking every inch of life is knitted can make a person withdraw from life. But we feel that some gaps are left...
Gaps that we need to fill, suddenly appearing before us, even surprising fate itself... Actually, the fun of life should be these gaps. Finding all those places and filling them with joy.
A girl who sees happiness as an effort with every breath taken. Her effort was to be happy and have fun. She was the Apocalypse Pony...
A dinner was to be held to strengthen the bonds and for the two families to get to know each other. This time, the boy's side was invited. Kids who couldn't fit at the dining table in the living room were served in the kitchen.
Ayça, who never felt like a stranger in any guest house she visited, felt like she owned the place when she arrived several hours early. She lifted the lids of the pots to see what was being cooked. Then, she went to the table where her cousin was.
When she sat down and pulled the chair towards the table, she stumbled towards her cousin. The daughter of her great aunt didn't even react to this minor accident.
As if she had been dirtied, she shook off the arm Ayça had touched and snapped, "Why don't you just sit on my head?"
A Ayça who would let such treatment slide had not been born yet. She turned to her with her mouth wide open, pretending to notice her for the first time, and acted shocked.
"OMG! Did you just talk? I can't believe it, even the stuff I step on finds healing. Look, the mute girl spoke."
Her cousin glared at her and warned her firmly, "Don't mess with me."
Ayça took a deep breath as if gathering patience. Since she arrived, she had been treated like a serious criminal, paying the dark price for crimes she hadn't committed. She was mischievous, sure, not a rule-follower, but her behavior wasn't contagious like the plague. Everyone treated her as if she was filth to be avoided.
This was what irritated Ayça the most. She hadn't done anything to them. In the past, when people treated her badly, there were times she thought she deserved it, but it wasn't the case here. They were preemptively judging her without any misdeed.
Ayça wanted to give the girl a piece of her mind. Being cousins meant nothing.
"Please, why would I bother? My job involves people. You don’t have anything to worry about."
Her cousin was surprised by her daring response. She examined Ayça with a look that seemed to want to instill fear, wondering if she would dare say more.
"What are you trying to say?"
Ayça found it odd to give her a lesson in humanity. Even she didn't realize how much she had learned from such experiences. But when it came to verbal sparring and coming out on top, she could play any role. She could be the master and expert of any topic.
"Like, we're cousins. I'm coming to a totally new place, starting at a new school. Any decent person, even if they're a complete stranger, would come over and ask if I need anything. But like I said, that requires being a person."
There was a valid point in what she said, but accepting it didn't suit her cousin. The same talent for verbal sparring ran in their blood.
"Humanity is for those who are human."
Refusing to be outdone in a war of words, Ayça could not stomach a tie. She became as agitated as her cousin had done earlier and raised her voice.
"What are you trying to say? Just spit it out."
As Tolga entered the kitchen, the atmosphere charged with Ayça's unleashed fury stopped him in his tracks. Seeing him, the cousin immediately turned with a voice full of pretended politeness and a pride that was secretly scratched by feeling embarrassed on behalf of someone else.
"Oh, Tolga. Hope I didn’t bother you, she's a bit loud."
Tolga was neither rude nor polite... With a personality far from showing genuine reaction, his actions were a mix of self-adoration.
"Don’t mind me. Enjoy your drama, Apocalypse Pony." He indicated the room with his head. He was still chasing the idea of filling the time until dinner with academic discussions. Ayça was fed up, her irritation slightly showing in her smile.
"Go ahead, I'll catch up in a sec."
After sending Tolga off, she turned 180 degrees and faced her cousin with a second personality, ready to outplay her in deceit and trickery if words failed.
"How about that? I snagged the top guy in just two days. You must be thrilled, thinking we'll become relatives and get along. Now sit back and enjoy your own company."
Her cousin was about to respond when Tolga, noticing she hadn't followed, called out,
"Apocalypse Pony!"
With perfect timing, Ayça, taunting her cousin with a "Here I come, sweetheart," left. Her entrance was with a sweet voice, her escalation was with a sudden change of face, and the outcome was scolding Tolga.
"What’s up! Why do you call me Apocalypse Pony?"
Tolga tried not to get tense, reminding Ayça of those charming villains in movies as he retreated into his room. "Your name's nice, but Apocalypse Pony suits you better."
Confused, Ayça followed him into the room, muttering, "It's like you cursed my dad while complimenting my mom."
Tolga handed her a thick stack of A4 papers he had prepared before she arrived. These were his carefully prepared study notes. He didn’t want to hesitate anymore, handed them over quickly and without pain. "Here, take these..."
Ayça looked at the stapled stack of papers in her hand with a questioning look, her one eyebrow raised.
"What's this?"
Seeing her unsatisfied expression, Tolga assumed ignorance was the only reason. He explained with enthusiasm, thinking she would value them as much as he did.
"These are study notes and practical tips. I use codes for some formulas and memorization. It makes them more memorable. Everything's in here..."
Ayça, experiencing her second downfall of the day, threw herself onto his bed. Face down, so no one would hear, she screamed into a pillow. Finally relaxing, she turned onto her back, still holding the notes, and scolded Tolga.
"Typical! Always about studying, always!"
Tolga, faced with immense disappointment and frustration, felt like pulling his hair out. He had never even lent these notes to Rabiya when she asked. He had collected them throughout high school, treasuring them, and now Ayça hadn’t even given them the dignity of garbage. She didn’t value them at all. He ran his hands through his hair, tempted to pull it out.
---
Even with many people around, the most striking thing was herself. As Ayça wandered around looking for Tolga, she played with a lock of her long hair, looking at its tips. When she saw a few classmates talking by the window in the corridor, she asked them,
"Have you seen Tolga?"
One of the boys, trying to remember, said uncertainly, "I think he was in the study center." Ayça had already checked there. "He won't be there."
A girl in the group, clearly curious, said in a tone that showed her interest, "The principal called him, he had a visitor."
Ayça thought the only visitors who frequently cleaned up after him at school were his dad and Uncle Göktuğ. But that possibility was out of the question. She probed the girl, "A visitor?"
When the girl said "I don't know" with the same curiosity, she became useless to Ayça. She immediately lectured the girl.
"Obviously, you don’t know, such things are private. Don't stick your nose into people's lives. Mind your own business."
She was about to leave with a know-it-all attitude when the girl asked, "Where to?" Clearly, she hadn't taken Ayça seriously. She had realized Ayça was just as curious about the visitor. Ayça smirked and told the truth.
"I'm gonna go check who it is. I'll let you know. Consider yourself lucky, getting the scoop."
Laughing and leaving them behind, she ran towards the principal's office, curious. She wasted time making a kicking gesture at Mustafa as she ran past him.
Thinking she was actually going to kick him, Mustafa tried to dodge and fell. She helped her only friend and comrade up from the ground, apologizing and endured a scolding. Even though she was a bit late, she followed the principal and Tolga, who were headed towards the gym, driven only by the desire to have fun and satisfy her curiosity. The visitors she chased after left her astonished.
The last thing she expected happened, she froze. Tolga's visitors were his father and Uncle Göktuğ.
___
When Ayça got home, she struggled a bit to open the door. In her hand, she had her newly acquired phone and keys, along with the notes Tolga had given her. Finally, she entered, taking off her shoes, and her grandmother, hearing the sounds, realized she had arrived.
"Are you back, Apocalypse Pony?" she asked. As Ayça was taking off her backpack, she delivered her daily dose of elderly jokes to her grandmother.
"No, I'm the Grim Reaper. I've come to pluck you from this world you've staked your claim on."
Her grandmother appeared at the entrance of the hall, chiding her words with a jab, "Impudent, they never taught you manners."
Ayça knew the comment wasn’t really directed at her. In her mind, thousands of foxes should have had tails instead of wings. Everything was being seasoned in the fire of her own mischief. She took a deep breath, remembering the vow that had become her belief.
Even if the world turns into a battlefield, I will be the one smiling in the end.
Retorting to her grandmother, she pretended to head towards her room without really looking into the living room.
"I'll tell this to my dad. I’ll say, Naime Sultan said: 'You're impudent. Your father had none to give you, you're both the same b*stards.'"
From the living room came the voice she expected, her father's voice scolding her as she stirred up trouble.
"Is that what you said, you little brat!"
He rose from his seat, glaring at her. Ayça acted as if she hadn’t seen them at school, as if she hadn’t noticed their shoes when taking off hers. She pretended to be shocked, dropping her backpack.
"Dad!"
Her father shook his head and made his presence known, "Yeah, dad!" expecting his daughter to run into his arms with joy. But Ayça turned to her grandmother with her mouth agape and asked,
"Naime Sultan! Is what I'm seeing real?"
Her grandmother, whose tone made it clear she wasn't pleased with his presence, confirmed with a snort, "Yes, your father's here."
Ayça rolled her eyes, shedding her surprise like a coat from her shoulders, and clarified what astonished her.
"I'm checking. You let my dad in, or am I seeing things?"
The tension and sourness between her father and grandmother were about to be exploited by her mischief. Uncle Göktuğ made his presence known and warned,
"Ayça, don't stir up trouble, please."
Ayça feigned surprise again. "Mom!" But this time, her act wasn't for fun, and everyone knew it. The address to her mother made everyone ponder, and Ayça explained with a fake smirk,
"Sorry, uncle, just filling in the empty spots."
Her father glanced at Göktuğ and then back at Ayça. "Didn't you miss us at all? A hug wouldn't hurt."
Trying to delay showing the issue that was clearly pressing her, he could tell she was tense and something was bothering her.
Ayça crossed her arms with a stone-faced expression, wondering why people thought she could easily be fooled.
They should have realized it wasn't easy to keep anything from her. Ayça responded to her father's suggestion,
"I'm not human, right grandma?"
Her grandmother, the only one who would gleefully respond to this with originality, nodded in agreement.
"Yes, this girl's a real devil."
Adding more to her grandmother's words, she glared coldly at her father. "And devils are meant for torment."
Her father approached her. Perhaps his behavior was influenced by his mother-in-law. Ayça was a girl who missed her mother dearly. Naime Sultan might have filled her with memories of her mother.
Looking into her eyes with love, he stepped towards her, trying to remind her of how much he loved her.
"Why would you say that, my girl? Look, we came to see you. We've missed you so much."
Ayça put distance between them and moved closer to her grandmother, asking,
"Then why did you send me away?"
Naime Sultan internally reveled in this. She was keen on ruining the man who had spoiled her daughter, and now her granddaughter was taking a stand against her father, boosting her pride. The father stepped into the fray. "Apocalypse Pony is right," he said.
Confused by his daughter's behavior and suspecting Naime Sultan's influence, he warned, "Mother, don't fan the flames."
Ayça, guessing what her grandmother would say, answered for her, "How is she your mother?"
Naime Sultan couldn't hide her delight, agreeing with a laugh.
"You won't believe it, but... Apocalypse Pony is right again."
Her father was saddened. "Why would you say that, my girl? I don't understand why you're acting this way."
Still treating her like she was naive, as if Ayça was the only one who couldn't be underestimated in their midst.
"What's so hard to understand, dad? Why do you call her mom? Because you married her daughter... Where is she? Dead. That means she's not your mother."
Her father now had to consider everything that might be troubling him. His daughter was bringing up the only serious matter in her life. Reminding him of a boundary he couldn't tolerate being crossed. Staying calm was the best course of action, understanding his daughter's feelings and thoughts. He knew this was a dangerous aspect of raising a girl.
Girls show their inner feelings and thoughts to their parents in the most secretive manner and retract all their steps the moment they realize they're unnoticed. They drift away while standing right next to you, and when
you reach out one day, you find a vast emptiness. The one to blame for their departure is the one who realizes too late that there's nothing left to do, and the eyes that once beheld a little girl now see nothing.
"Since you're bringing up your mother's death again, there must be something. What happened, Ayça?"
Ayça had experience in certain matters. When she raised her voice, people reacted like thunder; they jumped from fright, but despite knowing they shouldn't be scared of a common occurrence, they remained with that uneasy chill. Ayça wanted to scare her father with her shouting.
"What does it matter to you!"
Her father responded in kind. It was unclear if the loudest would win.
"Don't raise your voice at me! Rude! You've become way too spoiled here, it seems."
Ayça didn't back down, fixing her angry gaze beneath her furrowed brows on her father. Before it could escalate further, Göktuğ stepped in. As usual, he was the bridge in their father-daughter disputes.
"Let's all calm down first... It seems there's a problem."
Normally, Göktuğ's role as the fight referee would calm both stubborn parties. They would simultaneously step back and end the argument. But not today; Ayça wasn't inclined to back down or give in...
The most significant and unshakable part of her life; her mother, her memories, and her love for her mother. Ayça wouldn't bend or move these. Everything else in the world could have another side, but not this matter.
Her mother had died like everyone eventually does, but unlike some deceased, she wouldn't be forgotten. To Ayça, every body buried in the ground decays, but only disappears when forgotten. Ayça wouldn't allow her mother to be forgotten.
"A problem? Oh, no problem at all. My dad's getting married, even picked the wedding date. He shipped me off here just so I wouldn't get in the way."
Caught off guard, her father managed to say, "Where did you hear that?" when he had many things to explain. He had come here to say just that. But there was no issue of sending her away.
After Ayça stirred up trouble, he managed to save his relationship and give it a serious turn. Ayça had a point. He hadn't told her anything, fearing she'd object.
Naime Sultan's laughter faded, sinking into a deep sadness that sapped the strength from her knees. She leaned against the wall and sat down on a chair. Göktuğ looked at the elderly woman, worried she might feel ill. He knew the father-daughter's tense fight wouldn't end easily.
"Look, Ayça, it's not exactly like that. Your dad indeed came to talk about it. He wasn't hiding anything. There's no need for you to be upset, why don't you and your dad talk calmly first?"
Ayça shook her head; this wasn't a matter for discussion. She would never accept it. Turning back to her father, her breathing hastened, but her voice slowed.
"You used to say I had to change for people to like me. But mom always thought I was the most beautiful child in the world. Now I see the difference in your hearts. If she were here, she would never do this. Just tell me why, dad, why?"
Her father approached and took her hands. "There are many reasons, but before I explain them all, let me ask you this. Don't you want me to be happy?"
Ayça quickly withdrew her hands, expecting her to soften up was foolish.
"The only thing I wanted was for you to live loyally to mom's memory and her short life. But you've made it clear that's not going to happen."
Carrying the weight of disappointment was never eagerly accepted. Her father believed he could explain, and she would understand. He looked into her eyes, hoping for understanding. "This has nothing to do with your mother."
Before he could say more, Ayça closed her ears to any further words. Ready for battle, she left a sting with her words.
"It's totally related, and you wouldn’t understand... Shame on you. Shame on every bit of love mom gave you. You didn’t deserve it, dad."
Going any further would lead to an irreparable argument. Her father prevented it, shouting, "My girl!" trying to cut through the topic not as a dismissal, but as a plea.
Fearing what he felt, the forthcoming words from his daughter scared him.
"Having another woman in your life has always been an issue for me, you knew that. If you still choose to marry, you can't call me your daughter anymore. You won't get married, dad, that's my final word. You can die of unhappiness for all I care, but I won't allow it."
As she stepped back, her father matched her defiance. He knew his daughter loved him to death, as he did her. He trusted his daughter's love. But Ayça couldn't even stand the doubt of that love. She tried to prove it, perhaps by being understanding. Her father looked at her retreating figure with disappointment and hurt.
"Nothing you say can hurt me. I've lived years seeing wishes for my death instead of your mother's in those eyes. I don't hurt that easily."
Ayça stopped in her tracks, breathless; she couldn't bear hearing such words. This was her deepest, most secret fear, one she hid even from herself. Her father, by stating it bluntly, was doing this for a woman. Sending her away to prepare for marriage was bad enough, but it seemed like he was also rearranging his life's priorities for her.
Without a word to justify herself, Ayça turned and left. Putting on her shoes, she bolted from the house, creating distance between herself and her pursuing father and uncle. She felt betrayed and angry, but the ache in her chest, beating fast and painfully, was from disappointment.
She ran down the familiar streets, her long hair flying behind her. Thoughts swirled in her mind, but any idea was torn apart by the ferocity of a wolf crashing through a fox wedding.
As she turned towards the lake, running, her inability to steady her breathing accelerated her pulse. When coughs started, she didn't stop, ignoring the warming ache in her legs. She was running, not just to get somewhere, but because she felt like she was escaping...
Murat, looking out the window of the market, frowned when he recognized the runner. He didn't know why she was running, but given Ayça's penchant for getting into trouble, he immediately thought the worst. Dropping the snack packets he was considering buying onto a random shelf, he rushed outside.
Noticing Ayça disappearing in the direction of two men scanning the area and quickening their pace, he didn't recognize them as Ayça's father and uncle, having never seen them around before. This made him even more suspicious. He felt he had to help. Knowing Ayça liked the lake and often climbed trees there, none of the thoughts running through his mind were good.
He sped up, chasing after her; he had always loved running, and it felt good to rush into the wind again after a long time. Quickly closing the distance, he shouted, "Ayça! Wait..."
But Ayça kept running, unable
to find anything to stop and fight for. She thought her dad had dumped her here and was trying to cut ties. Despite hearing Murat, she didn't stop, the pain in her gasping lungs urging her on.
Tolga, coming the other way and grumbling, was angry but managed to control his fury as he did all his emotions. "I'll have to put up with you a bit longer, Apocalypse Pony, that's all," he muttered, adjusting his bag harshly as he saw Ayça running towards him. He stood still, finding a reason to calm himself for her approach.
"Good, at least you remembered we have to study."
When Ayça got closer, he realized she wasn't rushing for a study session; the desperation on her face and Murat's shouts made it clear. Murat tried to stop her again with another shout.
"Ayça!"
Tolga squinted, trying to see better, as Ayça's flushed face from lack of breath and the damp hair stuck to her face became apparent. Initially worried, his thoughts soon shifted to a lack of sympathy.
"Apocalypse Pony! Crying? Serve her right."
Ayça couldn't muster the strength for another step but tried anyway. When she finally fell, hitting the curb with her knees and singing a loud song of pain on her face, her long hair covered her features. All she could do was roll onto her back and try to breathe. The scrapes on her knees were of no concern compared to her struggling lungs.
Both boys panicked at her fall and rushed over. Murat reached her first, lifting her head gently into his lap, trying to calm her.
"It's okay... I'm here, just relax."
Ayça's chest heaved even more rapidly than when she was running, as if believing a cool breath could extinguish the fire within her. She tried to convey her distress in broken words, barely articulate.
"Can't... breathe... Can't..."
Tolga dropped his bag and crouched down, panicking. "Apocalypse Pony, are you okay?"
Murat held her trembling hand, instructing her softly.
"Take deep breaths, Ayça. Calmly."
Tolga, watching her writhe on the ground, took her cheeks gently in his hands, trying not to alarm her further with his usual tone. He locked eyes with her, trying to convey that calmness could solve everything.
"Inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth. Slowly, Apocalypse Pony... Slowly."
Göktuğ, trying to spot where his niece had gone, noticed his friend fixated on something. Following his gaze, he saw Ayça lying on the ground with two boys beside her; one cradling her head on his lap and holding her hand, the other cupping her face, looking into her eyes. Their attempts to help and their alarm were evident from afar. He could hear them, trying to calm Ayça.
Göktuğ hesitated to approach. But his friend stopped him, "Wait, don't go." Being the girl's father, he was undoubtedly more anxious, yet he chose to stay back. There must be a reason, Göktuğ thought, looking questioningly at him.
"But something's happened."
The man nodded as if to say "I know" and continued to watch his daughter from a distance.
"Yes, those are my daughter's friends. Look, one's calling her Ayça, the other Apocalypse Pony."
Göktuğ accepted this. Despite the trouble Ayça might cause among her peers where she lived, here she had people concerned for her breath. But the real issue remained, as always: Ayça had stirred something up again. Regardless of where she was, Ayça remained the Apocalypse Pony as described.
"That's the kid I told you about, the top student she tried to trick. The other's Akif's son. They might be friends to our girl, but whether she's a friend to them, that's the mystery."