I read the name "Starry Night" once more in my mind. The feelings that arose after my time with Mr. Hakan clung to me tightly until I stepped into the café. I smiled at the customers sitting outside, enjoying their drinks. As I pushed the door open, the bell above it chimed, reminding me of old times. The orange light from the sun shining into the café made the floating dust particles visible. I glanced briefly at Van Gogh, smiling. I knew my smiling face made me look crazy from the outside.
"Derin, you're back?"
Ümran called out as I approached her, taking off my bag. We had spent nearly three hours together. "Quick, tell me everything. How was Hakan? What did you talk about? He's as handsome as in the picture, isn't he? Come on, tell me!"
Her excitement echoed throughout the café. I pressed my finger to my lips, "Quiet down. Let me catch my breath. I'll tell you everything." After hanging up my trench coat and bag in the back, I attended to the customers in the café, my smile never fading. This man had left a good impression on me.
Ümran couldn't wait any longer and dragged me to a table. "Look at you, all dressed up. You didn't put this much effort into the previous ones!" I lowered my head. There was a simple reason for this. "Because the man I was meeting is a general manager and just as handsome as in the picture. I dressed accordingly."
"Come on, don't hold back, tell me what happened." I briefly recounted everything from our meeting, mentioning how good he was, how we had a pleasant time, and even agreed on another date. Ümran listened with excitement. When I finished, she clapped her hands and started talking. "I told you he was great. Now, you're going to forget about that other guy and start fresh!"
As she scolded me about the Photographer, I started feeling strange. The feeling I had inside was that of betrayal. No! I couldn't think like this now. For now, enjoying the moment was enough for me. "Mr. Hakan is quite charming."
My confession made Ümran even happier. She started going around saying, "I knew it, I knew it." I knew she would keep me talking for a long time. She could talk about this for days. But the café's busyness saved me from this. As I immersed myself in work, sometimes Mr. Hakan came to mind, and other times, the Photographer looked at me with sadness. My mind was starting to split.
The best thing was not to think about either of them. Towards the evening, I finally had a moment to sit down. As I sat with a cup of coffee, Selin approached me with a smile. "Sis, look at you, you seem to have rejuvenated by ten years. How did the date go?"
I looked at her in surprise. "How do you know?" Did everyone know, or just her? How had she found out? Dealing with my friends was enough; now, I had to deal with my employees too. I was in trouble.
"All the staff know, sis, don't play. It seems like it went well. What's the guy like? Do you have a picture?"
I'm sure Ümran told everyone today. She had no skill in keeping secrets. When she asked for a picture, I nodded and showed her one of the photos Ümran had sent me on my phone. As Selin leaned closer to the phone, another employee, Gamze, joined our conversation. "Wow, Sis Derin, you found someone great. Looks like your patience paid off!"
Selin spoke excitedly while Gamze nudged her. "Stop talking nonsense, as if you don't know why she's been waiting." The more they talked, the more surprised I was. Did they know about the Photographer too? What had I fallen into? Who knew what without my knowledge?
"Ah, right."
As Selin hesitated, I prepared to press them. "Why did you say that? Why have I been waiting?" Did everyone know what the Photographer had done to me? Selin didn't want to say at first, but after I glared at her, she quietly answered. "Sis, we've been working with you for a long time. Don't get me wrong, but I overheard your friends talking. There was someone... a Photographer or something?"
She stretched out the word "Photographer" and seemed embarrassed. Realizing that I had forgotten about him for a few hours brought the bad feeling back. It felt like I was betraying him. And this feeling would linger for a long time. I scowled, facing this reality, which made me upset. "Alright, scatter. Look, there's a customer, go attend to them."
I hadn't really been angry at Selin. My anger was directed at myself, and I was taking it out on my employees.
I sat back at my table, sipping my tea, and started talking to Van Gogh. "Master, every day is becoming more unbearable for me. What should I do? Should I wait a little longer for him, or should I move on with this new man? I don't know what to do anymore." I rested my face on my hand and gazed at the painting, wondering what it wanted to tell me.
Thinking about Van Gogh's sad story made me feel sorry for him. He should have known how valuable he was while he was alive. He should have known how precious his portraits and paintings were. In a series I watched once, it was mentioned that he saw colors this way. Did he really see the world like this?
Why did the Photographer and Van Gogh resemble each other so much?
"Master, you remind me of him. I think I love you so much partly because of this."
And there were those eyes again. They would never fade. The bad feeling inside me wouldn't go away. I spent the rest of the time finishing up the café's work, but the bad feelings persisted until eight o'clock. Why did it make me feel this way? Why had I let myself get so caught up in him? I felt like my entire life was slipping away. I felt like I had lost everything while waiting for him. Most of my friends were married, and I was the only one still alone in my friend group. Since I was 21, I had been blind to everyone but him. The deep longing I felt after knowing him had left me alone in this place.
This time, I started getting angry at him. Even though I couldn't have him, I had made myself his. And in doing so, I had hurt myself so much. I felt happy that I had accepted the dinner invitation tomorrow. Maybe it was time to let go of something.
I was pulled from my thoughts by my friends who sat beside me and started talking. The topic once again centered around me. I briefly told them what happened today and mentioned that I would be going to dinner tomorrow. Ümran began praising the person she found, and everyone knew he was the best one so far. Maybe he was the tenth person she found for me, maybe more, but I admitted it. He was the best.
"When we sat down, he spent nearly ten minutes praising himself. At first, I thought he was egotistical, but then he said he behaved that way because he felt he could connect with me. I don't know, it's too early to say anything."
"He's achieved so much and holds a good position; let's not discredit him," Efil defended the man she hadn't even met. This was solely because Ümran had found him. Ravza, on the other hand, disagreed.
"I don't know; I hope his ego doesn't become too much. A man with too much ego isn't good." This skeptical approach troubled me. Could she be right? Was he one of those who hid their true character at first?
Thinking about all this, his behaviors played out in my mind like a film strip, and I realized I needed to be cautious. "Approach with caution but don't give up yet. You're excited about a man other than the Photographer, do you realize that?" Ümran tried to encourage me. I nodded and smiled. "Thank you. For being there for me. I'll try to change from now on."
Cemre patted my arm while Efil gave me a thumbs up. "That's exactly what you need to do, dear. Look, even my little baby is excited. He's moving around inside right now." We all made sounds of
admiration. Without thinking, I placed my hand on her belly and felt the movements. My eyes filled with tears. Feeling a life preparing to come into the world and knowing that my friend was going to be a mother. It could make me cry with pride.
As the night went on, the girls left the table, and Ravza was the last one to stay. She offered to stay with me tonight, and I accepted eagerly. Today, instead of counting cashews before closing the café, I closed early and headed home. We talked continuously.
"Hakan is really well-groomed. And he's even better in person than in the pictures. He deserves to praise himself. I think I could tear down the walls I've built with him." Ravza gave me a stern look. Somehow, her opinions about people always turned out to be right in the end.
"Don't rush to feel anything for him. Just be cautious because if he doesn't turn out to be as you imagined, it will be bad. You know I want the best for you. But right now, I don't even know what you should do. How much longer will you wait for the Photographer? What if he never comes? But on the other hand, this man you've described is better than any other man who's wanted to enter your life so far. I wish I could just grab him by the ear and bring him to you."
She spoke with a sweet anger about bringing him to me, which was endearing. I couldn't suppress my giggle. Holding her arm tighter, I said, "I wish you could."
A pang of sadness hit me again.
"Yes, you're right about everything. You're right. Everything will be clear at tomorrow's dinner. The fact that he invited me to dinner so soon already made me uncomfortable. I feel bad for accepting it now. Should I have declined?"
"It's already happened. Besides, maybe his true character will come out. If he's good, he'll enter your life early; if he's bad, you can say goodbye before it starts."
She was right. I didn't need to think too much about something new, but the only thing holding me back was the Photographer, who had long held a throne in my heart. If he hadn't been in my life, or if I had forgotten him after a month, I wouldn't have opened myself up to these exhausting days. His entry into my life had turned everything upside down. He had found a place in me suddenly and unexpectedly, and since then, he had continued to hold his place without losing it. Unlike most people who came and went, I still remembered him fondly. Both as my love and as my friend. I couldn't help but smile.
My gaze lingered on Ravza, and I shivered. She always spoke logically. Maybe she thought this way because she was a writer. Her characters were different, each with unique traits. Life was like that. Everyone was different, even if they shared common points, they were not the same person.
After arriving home, we made instant noodles, just like in the old days. Then, we sat by the window, listened to calming music, and chatted. As we always did, we shared our worries and memories, passing the time. Finally, I started to share the real feelings I had been holding back since the date. I knew she wouldn't make fun of me or brush me off because she had accepted me as I was, with all my feelings and thoughts.
"From early in the morning until the meeting, he was on my mind. I sat at a table, daydreaming. Then I went to the meeting, and he disappeared from my mind. For a while, it was as if he had never entered my life. But when I stepped into the café again, he greeted me and took his usual place, occupying my mind. For a moment, I was so angry at him. You know, in those four years at university, not once did I like anyone or think about being with someone. And it continued after university too."
"I'm 27 now. I've been alone all my life. Especially after him, I wanted to stay alone. I wished for him to come to me and be my destiny. But I'm tired. So very tired... Even thinking about him tires me. Even imagining him tires me. Even the love I feel for him tires me. I'm so tired now. It feels like all these years have been in vain. It feels like he won't come..."
As tears started to roll down my cheeks, I didn't hold back. I let the tears I had been holding back for days fall and tried to find relief. She wrapped her arms around me and just patted my back. She didn't say anything, just held me, which was enough.
"You know how much he changed me, Ravza. Every day I missed him, I changed more. Because I still want him. I strive to see something that resembles him. I try to lessen my longing for him. This has distanced me from my true self so much. I don't know how much longer I can endure."
"You don't have to endure. Just give yourself a chance to breathe. Give yourself a chance to forget him. This way, new people can enter your life. Just take a little rest."
I nodded calmly, wiped my running nose, and returned to my spot next to her. She placed her hand on mine and stroked it gently, giving me a bittersweet smile. We sat there for a while longer. She didn't need to comfort me with words; her presence was enough. I hadn't had an easy time at university, and she had helped me get through all those tough times.
As it got late, we got ready for bed, and I turned my back to her. Without thinking, she lightly tapped my back and started to complain. "Don't turn your back on me to sleep, you know I hate it."
How could I forget that? One of Ravza's most disliked things. To her, it felt like a sign of distrust and made her feel alone. Trust was very important to her. I turned to face her and closed my eyes. As soon as my head hit the pillow, the desire for sleep pulled me into a world of memories. Slowly, the memories began to make space for me.