"People were mean, so I sought refuge in books..."
-Cemil Meriç
☁️
Just like I promised, you are in every breath I take. Just like you promised, let me be in every line.
☁️⛅️☁️
Three years ago...
A weak drop gently settled on my dark blue coat, slowly fading away. A sweet breeze came through the leaf-shedding trees, warm despite the season's sharp cold. Migrating birds had left the sky quite lonely. The bluish-gray sky was seduced by a playful ray of sunlight, becoming an accomplice in its own coloring.
Today, I was alone. At least for now. Miraç had asked me to wait at the bus stop near my house and catch the first minibus that came. It was clear he had thoughts in his head that I could never guess. Actually... I couldn't even begin to guess him. He and his mind, they were beautifully different. And this strangely affected me a lot.
Really... Why did I feel this way? I’d begun to think of him in the simplest things, placing him everywhere I looked, imagining what he could be doing at that moment. Even in my own thoughts, I couldn’t help but wonder how he would respond if he were beside me and could hear me. The strangest part was that my usually faintly smiling lips were genuinely smiling every time I did this.
And yet... I was smiling again. Ignoring the people around me, I smiled while watching the tiny drops wetting the road. Suddenly, I felt my heart speed up. Again. I was sure now that my organs had secretly agreed among themselves. Whenever my brain, in one of its lobes, felt Miraç, it immediately sent a signal to the others. "What have you done to me, Miraç?" I murmured to my inner self. "Why can't I stop thinking about you?"
I took a deep breath toward the neighbors of my racing heart. Despite the rain soaking my body, I still hadn't opened my umbrella. I knew the old men and women sitting at the stop were eyeing me weirdly. But I didn’t care. Just as I raised my head, a car speeding down the road splashed water all over, and I quickly moved away from the target area. As I moved to the glass side of the bench, I felt their stares on me again, and a question I hadn’t heard in a long time came from right beside me.
"Are you okay, dear? Did you have surgery?"
A chill ran down my back. I had only moved a few steps away. Had I been noticed again? Was this story starting over? I took a deep breath and swallowed. Hoping my smile looked sincere, I turned to the woman in her fifties. "No, ma'am. It’s just a lingering issue from an illness I had in childhood."
She slowly shook her head with the expression she added to her face. Just when I was sure she wouldn’t add anything else, I turned back in front with another deep breath.
"Poor girl, I feel for her. She looks in bad shape," a whisper came from the same place. Despite my partial hearing loss, I could tell it was the same person talking. I wasn’t surprised anymore. The conversations I’d heard all my life were happening once again. "Such a young age to be in this condition."
Just then, the deep breaths I had been taking, instead of meeting my needs, stabbed my lungs like a sharp knife. "Ma'am," I said, turning to her. "What is there to pity? Because I limp when I walk?"
"No, dear, it's not like that," she immediately entered the conversation. As she untied her arms from in front of her and braced herself for a justified speech, considering my past experiences with such talks, she would soon give an example involving someone close, mention her own health, and finally say a few things about my condition before walking off on her known path. But this time, I didn’t want to let these words, which would haunt my day and disturb my peace, ring in my ears.
I clenched my jaw and steadied my body. My brain, punishing itself for its untimely movement, was whipping my trembling throat. "You don’t need to explain. Please, don’t approach me or others like me with such comments. Don’t look at us with pity. Believe me, your actions hurt us much more." When my words spilled out in an orderly fashion, I listened to myself first and foremost. What I said was a first in my life. Although I was surprised by it, the fire sparked by that question kept tormenting my heart.
I turned back immediately. As my uncontainable tears made their way down my not-so-smooth face, I quickly opened my umbrella. While activating the music I had yet to start
in my ears, the minibus appeared, turning the corner and stopping right beside us. After swiftly closing the black umbrella, I handed the fare from my pocket to the driver. The music softly rising in my ears was playing with a few broken pieces of me instead of comforting, continually messing up the puzzle. I moved to a corner by the window and turned up the volume of the music. The burning around my eyes cooled off after a few tears. Now, it was time to lean my head against the window and watch the dreams flowing from my brain, accompanied by the scenery.
After a long ride, when I arrived at the place Miraç mentioned in his message, I stopped the vehicle. When the doors slid open, I faced the wet scene and opened my black umbrella again despite the calming rain. I was weird. Weird again. My body, which preferred to get wet while it rained, was raising the umbrella along with the drops pulled up into the clouds.
I walked. I set off walking until I found the body of Miraç, who had wanted me to walk until I saw him. The songs that had ended and restarted transitioned to a new one. It was one of my favorites, but I couldn’t focus. My attention was on my legs. I thought I had overcome this habit... But again, I wanted to see my strange walk from someone else’s perspective, as if watching from a distance. Every time I did this, my tense body, this time, pitied me.
"Ünseli!" My name coming from a distance gently touched my ears and stopped my wandering body, turning in the direction of the sound with my scattered attention. Miraç, slowing his rhythmic run with a white bag in his hand, approached me with his steps returning to normal. "Good morning."
While watching him, I removed the earphones and put them in the pocket of my coat. "Good morning."
He looked at what was in my hand for a while, then reached out and took the umbrella into his own hand with a smile that highlighted his cheekbones; his tall stature lifted the black shadow even higher. Even though he didn’t say it, he probably wondered why I had opened the umbrella in such calm weather. I wanted to thank him for just accepting it without asking why as he accompanied me with his most fitting smile.
Our silent journey continued with the only conversation being which direction I would turn. My heart was screaming, wanting to strike up a conversation with him immediately. People passing by first looked at me, then at Miraç, and finally at the umbrella that had opened despite the shy rays of the sun that had just stopped playing peekaboo. Although their expressions were often questioning, what I caught on his canvas was beautifully masterful. Despite all these looks, how could he smile so beautifully?
"Miraç," I finally called out. We were beyond the city settlement, among busy streets. I heard him respond with a hum that rose from his throat without a word. "Should we close the umbrella?"
"Why?"
"Well..." As I looked around, I looked into his eyes as much as I could from his tall stature. "People are looking at us weird."
I saw him smile. When his dimple carefully took its place on his canvas, I turned my attention to the people. I don’t know why, but whenever he showed that dimple, I would check to see if anyone else was watching it. I did it again. As I noticed my slowing steps, just as I was ready to speed up again, my stumbling foot sent a warning to my entire body. "Ünseli is falling again, apply reflexes."
I waited in fear, but it didn’t happen. Fingers tightly grasping my elbows caught me in a much softer way compared to the ground. Even though I tried not to show it, my wildly beating heart left my lungs breathless. I hadn’t fallen, and once again, I owed it to him, to Miraç.
"Ohh... Are you okay?" His slanted eyes were wide open, and he really looked worried. As he watched my expression with all his features, I understood that he really wanted to hear that I was okay.
"I’m okay," I said as I moved into a more upright position. Then I laughed. "You better get used to it, Miraç. It hasn’t happened before, but from now on, you’ll encounter these sudden falls a lot, just laugh it off." My smile continued as I wanted to burst out laughing. If I didn’t make fun of myself, another crack would be added to my soul. This fall was because of my illness. My right leg would sometimes cramp and at the most unexpected times, it would bring my face cheek-to-cheek with the ground. I’ve lived it, I’ve laughed at it. But actually, each time, I died a little more.
"Laughing?" He didn’t put his hands back in his pockets this time. I felt him get serious, and with a deep breath, he lifted and lowered his broad shoulders. "I can’t see anything to laugh or be sad about."
I lifted my bowed head and looked at his face again. Why wouldn’t this man stop affecting me? Why was every move he made so different? I wanted to thank him, but I couldn’t. I wanted to start speaking, but I couldn’t. I just looked. I looked as if trying to memorize every brushstroke on his facial canvas and engrave it in my mind.
Finally, he was the one to break our stance. "I want a promise from you," he said suddenly. As he turned in front of me, he took my wrist unexpectedly and placed it on his arm. Now we were arm in arm... I could swear that the rays from the sun were gathering under my skin. They were gathering and heating my skin like fire. We walked, and the black umbrella opened above us continued to cast a shadow. "You’ll continue writing your books and you’ll include me in one of them. Promise?"
My heart smiled. Then my lips... How could I say no to this man and his words? "Okay," I murmured. "I’ll write you into my lines."
