Be happy, cuz no one really cares if you’re sad.
-Peyami Safa
☁️
When it’s time, you'll open your eyes. And I’ll be right there with you.
☁️⛅️☁️
My fingers running over the photos, turning the pages one by one, with Nisan on one side and Merih on the other. The sweet smiles on their faces often brought a smile to mine too. In the last two years of our five-year togetherness, we’d moved under one roof, and the memories in my mind danced on stage with each frame, sitting down to muted applause.
"Ahh... Honestly, we're so lucky to have met someone like Miraç," Merih said. His eyes slightly squinted and lips parted, he looked straight out the window, sinking deeper into the palm resting on his chin.
"So true..." Nisan continued. I started loving him the day he saved Ünseli. For bringing her back to life and for giving me the chance to be mad at her to my heart’s content after his foolishness." She handed over the microphone to her more serious tone of voice that surfaced every time the topic came up.
I hadn’t looked at her, but I was sure the same anger was on her face. And the truth I had come to accept these last few days was that those embarrassed glances I used to give didn't hurt anymore. I didn’t feel it. A mix of fear, panic, and sadness circulated somewhere inside me. Seven months had passed... And I guess what I feared most was looking up at the sky. The clouds had been mad at me, but the stars were still shining. Because I knew; Miraç was out there somewhere, counting the stars.
"Which villages had you visited?" Merih asked, unfolding the map and spreading it out on the table in front of us.
"People in the village are so shy. I can't understand why," Nisan said. "We visited many villages, went to hospitals." She paused, and I didn’t know why, but that pause had placed a small stone on my back. I turned to her. I realized she wanted to avoid my timid gaze. "Ünseli," she said, turning to me, the light in her eyes giving way to melancholy as she took a deep breath. "I even walked along the riverbed." Her fingers stopped playing with each other as they dropped to her legs. "Ünseli. Please, don't misunderstand me. If she fell into the sea, maybe she washed ashore."
"Nisan..."
"Ünseli, I can’t stand seeing you like this. Don’t judge me. If the same thing had happened to me..." Her gaze broke with sadness as she looked at Merih. Every expression on her face was etched in my mind like carved in marble. "Wouldn’t you have done the same?" she asked, our eyes meeting shakily.
I watched her for a long time. Her focus never wavering, she looked so deeply that it seemed to reach my heart and touch my shattered soul. Really, she didn’t need to look that way to reach me. The days we had spent together since childhood had taught us more than this. She was right... At that moment, I was half-crazed... Unable to accept the magical disappearance of the man I loved, I was a broken body that could not dress his death. The biggest thing that gave me strength was not finding his body said to be buried in the waters. Each day, as the hope of not finding a mysterious body increased, so did my fading as I couldn’t reach him. Seven months... It wasn’t easy.
"You’re right," I said, moistening my soon-to-crack lips with my tongue as I turned my head. "Nisan... You are my universe. For years, you've been saved in my phone as 'Alien'. We've been teased about it, but as long as we were together, we only listened to each other." My trembling breath sent an equally shaky breath to my weary lungs. "You know everything... We’ve developed a sibling bond that doesn’t even need me to explain these things, you could understand just from one look."
"Yes. Instead of talking, just looking into my eyes is enough. It’s always been that way."
After carefully listening to her words, I turned my teary eyes towards her. "Merih... That’s your world, your orbit, your galaxy..." I smiled. As I witnessed their sad looks, I wanted to continue. "Miraç is the same for me... My star... My space... My galaxy... I can't stand it," I ended my words. The salty tear ran down to my chin. A huge earthquake erupted somewhere inside me. As I spoke these words, a feeling I would never accept filled the rooms of my heart. "If... If...." I couldn’t continue. My eyes had watered so much that I couldn’t even focus on Nisan’s face. This feeling, though it had taken over my body, told my escaping soul that he was still alive.
Nisan pulled me in with his arms wrapped around my body. "Shh." His hand stroking my back spread kindness from his fingers. "Everything will be alright... We’ll find him. If you feel he’s alive, we’ll do everything we can until we find him. We will. Keep your hopes green. I don’t want to see this strong girl I’ve seen all my life in this state, Ünseli. It hurts me."
I cried. Although silent, I sobbed uncontrollably. I never made a sound anyway. Even when alone, I would cry, hiding the tear from my right eye with my left. The stars often witnessed my tears. I’d choose the dimmest among them, and cry with its flickering light.
Shortly after, "While you still can, watch the stars..." Nisan suddenly said. This phrase, unfamiliar to my ear, was from my last book.
"Everyone loves the brightest one. You, embrace the loneliest," Merih completed, breaking his silence to join the conversation. His behavior, in my unchanging opinion, was something the whole world should stand and applaud for. He remained silent, allowing emotions to be experienced, then his words always came in at just the right time to heal. "You said this, Ünseli. This hand you’ve extended to your reader family, now you need it. Even though we are your closest ones, we are also your readers. And these hands we’ve raised, never lowered before, are now raised as your readers." His shaky gaze brightened with determination. As he pulled his elbows off his knees and straightened his back, he smiled. "We will never leave you alone in your weakest moment. As Nisan said, if you feel it, we will move forward with you, right by your side."
This most kindly reached sound in my ears sank the pirate’s rotten ship in my heart, raising a blue flag. Like the sky. As if the whole sky had filled my heart...
"I’m so glad you’re here," I could only say. I was feeling so complex that I knew they wouldn’t accept a thank you, so I offered the most beautiful word I could muster to represent my gratitude.
Nisan and Merih, looking at each other peacefully, wrapped their arms around me as they smiled. This was their joint response. The meaning was, whether I wanted it or not, they were always this close to me...
Merih suddenly said, "Let's go," as he stepped back, wiping a few tears with his slender fingers. "You made even a big man like me cry..." He laughed. "Together, you cousins can accomplish anything."
"Of course, what did you think?" Nisan laughed teasingly.
As I raised my head, directing it to the sky visible through the window, I paused. I would feel my closeness to Miraç from my sky-gazing eyes. And today, I had gotten one step closer. I would find him, and reopen the large window in our room that had been watching the sky since the day he disappeared. And together, we would look up at the sky.
"Let’s continue from here," Merih said, pointing to a different spot on the map, taking a determined breath as if to empower the room. "Let’s find that big man and bring him back to his little lady."