"This life, nothing but a ceaseless struggle, allows me to say this:
I was like a bird that wanted to fly but couldn’t."
-Frida Kahlo
☁️
Even if the weight of the world is on your shoulders, never let it drag down your hopes. Take a deep breath, puff out your chest, and wipe away those tears. Even when you feel exhausted, don't let your hopes fade away.
☁️⛅️☁️
Five years ago...
I clung to the beach sand once again. Unlike always, this time the grains were ice cold. As the rain reached the swelling sea, a dark cloud lifted from its wavy surface. It would probably drop its collected salty waters over the city. Maybe it was trying to tell us about its sorrows with what we call thunder, but we weren’t listening. After people closed their windows tightly, and even the birds had left it alone, it began to cry, shedding its tears, which we call rain. Could it be? I think it could.
The waves that touched my toes left a darker trace on the sand as they pulled back, the drops that warmed my cheeks no longer held onto my chin and disappeared into my cold chest. After the phone call I had just ended, I sent a single message to my cousin and put my phone on silent, leaving it on the beach.
To: Alien
"I can't take it anymore, Nisan."
As the vibrating device sank deeper into the sand, I felt like my cousin, not knowing where I was, was going crazy thinking about me and getting angry. We were two people who knew each other perfectly in this world. She was one of the most beautiful parts of my childhood and the most perfect gift life had given me... But I, I was depleted now. Interviews I didn’t win, publishers that didn’t accept me, problems I couldn’t overcome, endless family issues... I wasn’t enough anymore. I couldn’t cope. I was dwindling before everyone’s eyes, but they pretended to be blind because I smiled. Yet, they didn’t even need to see to reach out to me.
"By giving strength to everyone around you, you’ve left nothing for yourself, Ünseli," I murmured while looking at the sky. The clouds, intertwining with each other, had already taken a fast route towards the city. They too were distancing themselves. I was left alone with the sea, the beach, and the devouring thoughts inside my brain. What kind of fool would come to the beach, especially near the sea, when a storm was approaching? Simple. I would come. Those drowning in their thoughts would come. "You're seriously tired this time, girl..."
As I lowered my chin, I wiped my tears with the back of my hands. Supporting myself on the sands, I threw my shoes a bit further before standing up. The sea, which I loved to watch but feared, was the most sincere thing to me at the moment. "The Little Mermaid, Ariel." I smiled bitterly. "You left the sea for the person you loved. I am leaving the land because I can’t measure up to my loved ones, and I can’t be a friend to myself." I took a step. The wet sand that stuck between my bare toes was like a glass of water sprinkled on my fiery skin. "It won’t take long... It won’t take long..." I closed my eyes tightly. A sob that tightened around my throat created an earthquake in my jaw as I took a deep breath. "Why are you crying, Ünseli? It will all end, everything will end!"
I took another step, and another... The fierce waves hitting my legs now reached my calves. I stopped. As I parted my eyelashes stinging my eyes, I carefully filled my lungs with a calm breath as a final wish before continuing my steps. As the water rose on my body, each stone thrown at my back primarily fell into the sea. Those who had died by suicide before me, at that moment, my only wish was to think of nothing and just be happy for myself.
The wave that wrapped around my waist passed its second blow over my shoulders, I pulled my feet buried in the sands towards my body. Now I was entirely in the sea. A normal person could quite comfortably stay underwater for at least a minute. However, after a childhood drowning scare, I could barely make it to half a minute. Now, I was drowning on my own will in the sea I had escaped from.
When the oxygen completing its last journey in my lungs left a bitter taste in my throat, I knew thirty seconds had passed. I laughed. Time was making its loops while my quivering lungs were making their biggest plea. I felt it. Actually... I was also scared. But the moment my feet hit the ground, that real fear would lift my head from that dreadful place.
Time moved on. Could a person cry underwater?
Could one eagerly wait for the seconds leading to death?
A cloud wrapping around my body called my ensnared self into a sweet dream under the sea, while my parted lips became an entrance sending salty waters to my stomach.
As my body grew heavier, as I could feel, taking over my consciousness, I genuinely felt happy. What I was doing might have been cowardly. I was running from everything, but I was finally okay with those who thought they knew me calling me "coward" behind my back.
The Little Mermaid, Ariel, was returning to her sea once more.
A sudden force on my arm rapidly pulled me, and I thought I was caught by a current in the sea. But no, this wasn’t a current. My eyes were closed. My stomach and mouth were filled with salty water. My ears were blocked, but my consciousness was still sharp. I felt breath in my shriveled lungs. "No," I wanted to say. I felt someone pulling me, trying to save me. I wanted to push them away, saying, "I want to die," but all I could do was stay motionless and let them guide me. The salty water left my body. I was now in the arms of the arm that had gripped my waist. My eyes were still closed. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even see who it was. I couldn’t scream to them how their supposed act of kindness was actually a cruelty to me.
A strong hand on my chest shook my body a few times along with pressing down. After hands that pinched my nose and held my chin, air that tore through the salty water in my throat filled my lungs, which hurt but felt unbelievably good, yet I still wanted to escape from this person.
After the regular thumps on my body, something strange happened. And finally... The water rising from my throat forcefully exited through my parted lips, and I started to breathe properly. My eyebrows slowly furrowed and then relaxed. The moment I opened my burning eyes, the body that entered my field of vision began to say something with a blurred voice.
I didn’t listen. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t. I turned my head away. Water was still coming out from between my lips. There was no one around. The muffled voice gradually became clearer, and I turned back to it. It felt like all the waves of the sea were in my ears amid all the confusion. I only caught one of its questions when I closed and opened my eyes. "Can you hear me?"
As my vision gradually cleared, I saw a man in his mid-twenties looking at me anxiously. As if saving a stranger without caring for his own life wasn’t enough, he was also worried. "I hear you," I managed to say as my voice allowed. As I supported myself on my elbows and clumsily raised my body, he moved back and closed his eyes.
He continued to say something, but I couldn’t listen to him even if I wanted to. My eyes, roaming around, caught my shoes, and I closed them with sorrow. I hadn’t even managed to die properly.
"Are you listening to me?" the man asked. "I just pulled you out from those fierce waves."
I turned to him. His face bore an expression of newly found relief. He leaned back on his extended arms, resting on the sandy ground. "Why did you save me?" I asked. He wasn’t expecting that, and he suddenly raised his eyebrows.
"You were going to die. Should I have just watched?"
"Why didn’t you watch?"
After my second question, he rolled his eyes and then turned his head. Perhaps he was now questioning why he had saved me. He was expecting a thank you, but I wasn’t giving it.
"Are you trying really hard to die?" he asked, looking at me again. After shifting his weight onto one arm, he also turned his wet body towards me. His chest rose and fell rapidly, then slowed down, and he closed his slightly parted pink lips.
"How did you know?" I asked this time. I knew I was presenting a seriously annoying image. But really, I didn’t care... The first moment he left, I planned to embrace the sea from which he had pulled me again. "Get out of here," I said as I tried to stand up. "You shouldn’t risk your life for anyone."
As I was about to walk towards my shoes and phone, a hand that suddenly grabbed my fingers stopped me with a voice saying, "Wait." The man stood up and stepped in front of me, and I felt like a little child next to his tall figure. "Do you really want to die?"
"Yes." I was about to walk past him when he stopped me again.
"Why?"
I lifted my chin and looked into his eyes for a while. I silenced my tongue. Instead, my irises spoke. His eye surroundings tensed as if trying to understand me, then slowly softened as the brown in his eyes deepened. The moment he let go of my wrist, I immediately walked past him. I wasn’t giving him a chance to think he understood me, but I couldn’t deny the magic of his demeanor either.
The moment I reached my phone, I immediately picked it up. There were many calls and dozens of messages. All were from Nisan. The last message she sent was five minutes ago, and her last call was a minute ago. A bitter smile landed on my lips like a winged bird.
"Look!" The voice coming from behind me got closer, and I turned around. I was hoping he would leave, but he was still there and watching me. "Look up at the sky," he shouted in his own way. I straightened my furrowed brows and looked in the direction he indicated. The calm after the storm had enveloped the sky. The exhausted dark clouds had given way to the blue sky. The man who had approached me by then asked while looking into my eyes, "Don’t you get it?"
"I'm sorry... Was I supposed to understand something?"
"Look up at the sky... Your window is still open, Little Mermaid."
As I slowly lowered the phone in my hand, I looked at the clouds again. I carefully examined them. His words had created such a strange connection among my fractures, pushing everything to the background, trying to make me understand what he was trying to tell me. "What you said," I felt he was listening as I spoke. "Is it the blue sky showing itself behind the clouds?"
"Yes," he replied as I looked at him. A bitter smile formed a dimple on his cheek as he continued. "I don’t know about your world. But I know very well that the real world is also that blue sky."
"How do you know? You don’t even know me."
"Does everyone who knows you really know you?" I was silent. He had asked such a perfect question that I had convened a council in every cell of my body and allowed it to argue its validity. My eyes, taking on the role of judge, dropped their gaze as if laying down a verdict. "I'm right, aren't I?"
"Being right doesn’t mean you really know me."
"Then let me," he said suddenly. The sun that hadn’t even risen in the sky seemed to have risen in his eyes. "Let me get to know you. And let me show you the blue sky in your still-open window?"
"Why should I? Are you some kind of guardian angel? Okay, you saved my life, thank you. But that's too much for a stranger."
"Miraç."
"What?"
He smiled. "My name is Miraç."
I took a deep breath and turned my gaze away. Strangely, I could neither leave nor did I want to. "Miraç. Thank you for saving my life. But don't do it again. Don’t do it for anyone. You might meet people even worse than me. And worse, you might not meet them. You might drown in those waters and be gone."
"I know how to swim."
"For heaven's sake!" I tried to control my voice as I raised it, but my nerves sped up my breathing. "Is that really what we’re discussing right now? Do you realize what kind of dialogue we're having? We are two strangers who might never meet again. Why are you saying you can fix my life?"
In contrast to me, his expression remained quite calm as it slowly relaxed, and he took a deep breath. "Look. You’re right. You want to die, but I want to bring someone back to life. Put yourself in my place. I’ve lost all my loved ones and I’ve made a promise to myself. I want to bring someone back to life who wants to die." He lowered his head. "Please let me do this. If I fail, I promise this time we will do what you want. I will help you. But please don’t turn down my request." His slanted eyes roamed all over my face as he waited for any sign of movement. He spread his hands wide. "What do you have to lose?"
I averted my eyes. As every corner of my muddled brain succumbed to deep buzzing, I thought about his last question. What could I lose? He was right. Feeling as low as I did a moment ago, ready to put an end to my life, what did I have to lose? "Okay," I said as I looked at him again. "But the first second you feel or I feel that you can’t do this, you will be here making sure no one saves me as I enter this sea." I extended my hand. "Do we have a deal?"
A broad smile spread across his face, further crinkling his eyes. His dimple showed again as he shook my hand engulfed in his palm, "Deal," he said. "Then let's reint roduce ourselves. My name is Miraç."
"Ünseli."
