Chapter 15
DEVIL'S STEPS
The first step in overturning the unbreakable world with grand plans and precious goals is the smallest step. It feels just like beginning, but even if it's a tiny step forward, there's no turning back. That's just how people are; they work as hard as ants for the place they'll turn into hell, leaving behind significant devilish traces with their ant-sized steps.
Once they get a taste for hell, they find plenty to fuel the fire. Ayça threw her pride into the flames first, a value she wouldn't care much for thereafter.
She knew Tolga was in the study class at this hour and ran to him, pretending as if their Friday fight hadn't happened or wasn't worth discussing, ready to forget his past arrogant remarks.
"Tolga!" she called out, running towards his table, and Tolga turned to her with a weary sigh.
"What's up, Apocalypse Pony?"
Ignoring his attitude, Ayça erased her panic with a cute smile, trying to smother him with overflowing love.
"I’d eat up that mouth that calls me Apocalypse Pony. I need help, give me a hand?"
It was clear she wasn’t sincere, but she continued the act. Both were aware of the falseness in the emotions being presented. Tolga closed his book, raised an eyebrow, and looked at her.
"Did you murder someone and now you need help hiding the body? Geez, what’s up? I can’t think of anything else after our Friday encounter."
As Ayça was exposed to his insolence, she wanted to throttle him. She hid this intent, using her last-ditch, possibly expired trick. Grinning as if hiding something scandalous, she hinted,
"We have a deal, right? Just between us two. No one else knows."
His secretive phrases and suggestive grin made Tolga relent. "Look at you, acting as if we did something other than study."
Desperate to not fall further and to maintain her composure without throttling Tolga, Ayça quickly moved to the main topic. She couldn’t stand people at this point.
"Principal Akif is planning to hold a new exam and rearrange the class lists."
This alarming situation didn’t cause a single breeze in Tolga’s world. His usual state was to look curiously at the girl, actually showing her plainly that he couldn’t do much.
"These exams happen at the beginning and middle of every year."
This was enough to drive Ayça mad, showing bits of her leaking anger.
"I could give a crap about the beginning or the middle. Just think, why would he do it?"
Tolga didn’t bother himself, considering it so trivial... He guessed Ayça was chasing pointless tasks again. "Why indeed?" His indifference was clear.
Ayça, still pursuing her interests for the audience of her benefits, needed Tolga, the best game piece in this school. A piece others would follow without question. She’d use this opportunity to the fullest.
"He's planning to move me to another class. Despite being at the bottom of the rankings, I'm in the top class."
Tolga found no interest in her concerns. Dismissively wanting her gone, "Suffer in your misery."
"Suffer in my misery." Ayça stubbornly tried to drag him into her game. It wouldn't matter without him, but with him, it'd be easy.
Tolga hadn’t forgotten how he got punched because of her on Friday. Moreover, if what she was planning grew like an avalanche, it could sweep him along and crush him.
Murat couldn’t have been fooled, he wasn’t a fool. But Ayça was the cunning one among them. To understand her motive, he asked, "Why is that?" He was curious about her plan and the cards she held.
Ayça smirked as if stating an unchangeable law of nature.
"If the Apocalypse Pony goes, the Golden Boy stays. Forget moving to another school."
Tolga forcibly suppressed the rising storm within. The warmth of a volcano ready to erupt was evident on his face, swallowing all the lava. He articulated their agreement and Ayça's showcase of tricks with deliberate calm and suppressed emotion. He learned he could transfer. "I’m moving to the city center and registering at the Science High School. After all, I’m the district topper; they’ll surely take me. So, I’m leaving one way or another. You deal with your own misery."
Ayça’s façade and poses melted away like water flowing over her. Her stance straightened, and her smile slowly faded. She had realized the ease of exploiting her interest wouldn't come so readily anymore. It was time to uncover the supposedly covered tracks one by one.
"Why ask me, then? Were you hoping to get moved up through a connection?"
First, she needed to open the box between her uncle and Tolga. Who knows what they hid inside. It was evident Tolga had learned something, but how much was unknown. Yet, if he was hiding it, the box must contain a benefit for him too. Why else hesitate?
"I didn’t ask." He refused the shame associated with the word "connection." Ayça mocked him further.
"Oh, my grandad asked. We made a deal, you were even going to pay me."
Tolga preferred this pretense to his earlier attitude. He opened his book, grabbed his pen, and dismissed her. He wanted to throw everything in her face. There was anger within him, difficult to hide. It wasn’t just simple anger; there was disappointment too.
Focusing on this situation and letting it distract him from studying was not an option with the university entrance exams approaching. He couldn't afford to waste time on it.
"I need to study, Apocalypse Pony. Sort out your family matters amongst yourselves."
Her slight unraveling amused Ayça. She liked this version of him, no longer hiding and playing the fool, somewhat willing to let out what was inside. A sly smile asked,
"What family matter? You mean my dad and uncle from Friday?"
Both were smarter than average. Even if their intelligence didn’t align, they had perspectives to understand each other instantly. The issue they both knew but skimmed over was now screaming. Tolga, with a dangerously challenging glare, let Ayça know he was onto her.
"I know Inspector Göktuğ is your uncle. I also know he didn’t ask for money, that you were trying to scam me. But you’re missing a detail, Apocalypse Pony, you’re not the only smart one in the world."
Ayça crossed her arms, dismissing his challenging looks and sharp words. Nobody was smarter than anyone else, but only fools think the other is the fool.
"You’re not either. You just found out, Tolga, don’t act like you’ve known all along. Fake genius. I know what you talked about on Friday. So spill, what’s up?"
When Tolga realized he’d been deceived, feeling played, tricked, and disappointed had overwhelmed him. But he knew Ayça, tricked by her own family, was in a worse spot. He’d seen her hurt more. Now, to scratch her wound a bit for revenge didn’t make him as bad as her.
"So you figured I knew but still played dumb. That’s why you said, you know why. Alright, I’ll tell you. I was going to make you study because your family wanted it. Your uncle and
dad wanted it to continue this way. I was going to make you study, and they were going to pay me."
He spoke with a demeanor that boasted victory, as if victory was smiling upon him. Yet, there was no winner here. Ayça had played this game alone, unknowingly to others, and lost. If there was a winner, it would have been her alone. Tolga’s misplaced confidence was in vain.
Ayça wasn’t angered, nor was she saddened by his words. She had been saddened by this on Friday and had moved past that phase, not looking back.
Hearing that her family wanted to pay for her studies only made her smile. When it came to speaking, they all had something to say to Ayça, but when it was time to take her place, they did the same. Smiling with the pride of a teacher, she looked at the boy.
"Good for you. You’ve learned a few things from me."
Failing to provoke her or cause the reaction he wanted, Tolga got irritated. "Is that really all you have to say? Aren’t you going to apologize?"
Ayça didn’t understand why he expected an apology. Acting as if he still had hope from her after everything he said was completely contradictory.
"No. Have you forgotten? I’m the villain. Didn’t I just do what you expected? It’s pointless to be angry at me; you should have expected this. Why are you so upset?"
Tolga, having thought about this all weekend, had called it trivial. Indeed, it was trivial. A waste of time.
"You’re right, whatever I expected from you..."
Ayça, before leaving, made sure to deliver a lesson to Tolga, trying to provoke and hurt her. If he pulled out the dagger but failed to wound, it was his fault. Ayça wouldn’t forgive someone who tried to harm her.
Tolga, acting superior, constantly telling her to study as if she was inadequate in life, implied she had nothing else to offer. Smiling at this notion, she said,
"Don’t worry about these, just study. Good for you. Just study, Ace."
...
As the tutoring sessions ended, students headed home, following the sinking sun. Ayça managed to climb onto the school garden walls, watching the school building. Her eyes squinted and opened with her thoughts, unable to stay still due to the mixed scents of broken gin bottles. She swung her legs hanging down.
Murat, noticing her from a distance, approached quietly, his mind occupied by the tension of watching her and the issues waiting at home.
"What are you doing up there?"
Ayça turned her head towards him, glanced, then turned her eyes back to the school, replying,
"Watching it before I turn it into an apocalypse arena."
Murat, considering whether he could climb up next to her, responded to her answer,
"Who upset you this time? Like me, for example..."
Ayça shook her head, causing her long, untamed hair to flutter. "You know, it doesn’t matter."
Indeed, who upset her didn’t matter. Every fury sought a target. But Ayça wasn’t after hitting a designated target; she aimed to destroy all weapons. There were no answers to whom, for whom, questions.
Murat placed his bag on the grass, jumped, and managed to pull himself up next to Ayça. But instead of looking at the school, he watched her.
"Should I be worried?" he asked. If her anger was public, he’d surely be affected.
Ayça’s half-gathered thoughts were clear in her mind. She turned to him, speaking honestly without deceit,
"Yes. Because I’m going to break the mold they’re trying to fit me into, uproot it, and you’re already molded. I’ll hurt you..."
Murat leaned back slightly, admiring her confidence and bravery.
It shouldn’t be a problem. Just as Mustafa wished for change without doing anything, trusting Ayça completely, Murat would do the same. If there was chaos to be caused, no one could do it better than the Apocalypse Pony. He showed surrender, without hesitation, accepting the emotions that occasionally surfaced.
"It’s okay. You can hurt me."
Hearing this, Ayça looked deep into his eyes. For the first time, she didn’t see his physical beauty but wondered what beauties might lie behind his eyes. Maybe there was nothing beautiful. Even if there wasn’t, it wouldn’t bother her. The surrender in his eyes pleased Ayça. Unresisting, accepting, and genuine.
"If someone told you you’re the villain of the story, then it must be a story where the main character is the villain. Because if this is a story, I must be the protagonist, not anyone else."
Murat knew how she cherished and elevated herself. He felt bad but didn’t say anything about her self-aggrandizement.
"I should stop you. After all, the school you want to wreak havoc on is run by my dad."
Ayça couldn’t argue. Naturally, everyone’s first choice would be their family members. If Ayça were in that situation, she’d think and protect her father. Showing understanding, she said, "Try if you want."
Murat pondered, then shrugged. "I don’t want to." His words, sure and accompanied by a smile, confused Ayça. "I shouldn’t go against what I’ve been told, Ayça."
Ayça took a deep breath, asking a question she already knew the answer to, hoping to relieve herself of it by just asking. Perhaps the boy who thought there might be a life for him would know where his wound was to heal it.
"What were you told?" The answer came with a broken smile. "Just study."
Murat never wanted to just study, not ever. Maybe he should study while living, maybe while being a child, maybe on some days of the week.
He shouldn’t have to be just a student who needs to study; he wanted to be a young person who experiences life. That’s what he desired.
He had never rebelled, afraid. Murat feared being yelled at, hit, and punished. That’s why he wanted Ayça to be his fairy and expect everything from her.
Ayça couldn’t console him; she wasn’t the one to do it. Because even if she seemed good to him today, tomorrow he, like everyone else, might declare her a demon and start stoning her. She smiled as if wishing him well.
"Study well." Murat smiled back. "You too."
Ayça moved to jump down, looking for the right spot. Murat jumped down first but couldn’t maintain his balance properly. His stumble made Ayça laugh, and his laughter made him laugh too.
Turning to Ayça, he stretched out his hands, their shared laughter bringing sincerity to the help. As Ayça leaned forward, extending her arms to grasp his shoulders, she let go. Murat caught her under her arms and safely lowered her to the ground.
Tolga didn’t want to be seen watching from behind the wall, so he continued to watch through the window. They were looking and smiling at each other in such a way that they wouldn’t notice him anyway. Watching them from the third-floor window, he wondered for a moment if, like they said, he was just studying and not living his life. If that was true, he should pity himself.
Murat
, picking up his bag, walked with Ayça towards the school gate. They had to go in the same direction, the same path. But doing so without asking made Ayça uncomfortable because it had been a concern for Murat before.
"Shall I walk you home? No pressure." He clearly wanted to, but his expression showed sadness as he refused.
"That would have been nice, but..."
Ayça, curious if he was a distracting factor, wanted to know why. "But?"
"My granddad found out I hit Tolga. I bet he’s glued to the window waiting for me."
Though Ayça didn’t know his grandfather, her experiences told her a parent would be very upset, possibly yell and hurt Murat a lot. Thinking of this possibility, she turned towards him,
"I’ll wait on the road to the pond."
"Why?"
To repay the calm and concern he showed today, she explained in her words,
"In case you run out of breath and want to escape. I’ll wait in that direction, just in case. I’ll be waiting."
As she stepped forward after saying this, Murat grabbed her wrist. Ayça turned to him, puzzled. Murat, reaching an understanding through his expressions, openly shared his thoughts,
"Ayça... Whatever or whoever made you think you’re bad, I’m sure they’re worse than you."
These words excited Ayça; her heart raced. "I’ll definitely go and wait there." She smiled and pulled away her hand. Since they weren’t going home together, she had to take the lead. Leaving him behind, she started running, her long hair waving behind her. Watching her, Murat’s smile broadened.
...
It was a calm evening, typical of most, but the living room, rarely encountering Tolga at these hours, hosted him alone. Sitting in the middle of the couch with a small pillow on his lap, he flicked through channels with the remote, sighing out of boredom. The channels, for some reason, had nothing to show.
His mother, returning home with grocery bags and heading towards the kitchen, was surprised to see him. He was usually studying at this hour.
"Tolga, what are you doing?" she asked, placing her things aside and moving towards her son. Tolga, still trying to find something to watch, kept flipping channels.
"Just watching TV, mom."
His mother tried to dissuade him from the TV. "Oh, leave it, son, nothing’s on at this hour. Go study."
Tolga, irritated in a way his mother didn’t understand, threw the remote to the other side of the couch and stood up. The pillow fell to the floor as forcefully as his anger fell on his mother. He raised his voice,
"I’ll study whenever I want, mom. Don’t tell me to study. I’m going out."
Ayça had said the same today, just study. Mimicking his family correctly annoyed and angered him. His mother stopped his angry march. Stepping in front of him, she tried to explain; his sudden fury was unnecessary. If he was angry about something else, she didn’t want him to suffer more by pondering over it.
"Don’t mind me; all I can do is tell you to study. I can’t open the book and study for you, son; I left school after elementary. The only way I can show my support is by saying these two words. That’s why I say it, otherwise, you know better when to study. Don’t mind your silly mother, son. I just talk nonsense because I’m bored all day."
Making his mother feel this way snapped Tolga back to reality. He shouldn’t have thoughtlessly upset his mother, who had never done him any wrong. He again blamed Ayça for causing this. He wanted to make amends with his mother.
"No, mom, don’t say that. I didn’t mean it like that. Actually, to tell you the truth, I didn’t understand anything at school today. That’s what I’m angry about, at myself."
His mother laughed, relieved to see him return to normal, and joked, "Is that why you sat in front of the TV with no signal?"
"Why isn’t it working, anyway?"
Actually, this was another point that triggered his frustration. Wanting to distract himself and fill his mind with something else, the non-functional TV channels had also contributed to his agitation.
"The antenna fell off the roof. Your father said it’s beyond repair."
Tolga rolled his eyes, thinking this was a real waste of time. He hadn’t realized how long the TV had been out, but he knew how to fix it. "Tell my brother to buy a new one."
"No, son, he’s about to get married; let’s not burden him with expenses. He’s working day and night anyway; I can’t ask him for frivolous things. We can do without a TV."
He despised his brother for always playing the victim with their family, hiding the money he had from them. He looked at his mother with sympathy; his brother was deceiving her, telling her lies.
"But you said you’re bored all day." Trying to convince his mother for this reason, she shared insights and life lessons he should never forget.
"Look, son, you’re smart, you’ll understand me. Your brother isn’t like you; his head’s always in the clouds. He didn’t think about his future, didn’t study. Now he’s getting married, doesn’t even look at the price tags. Doesn’t ask himself, 'What if I lose my government job tomorrow, how will I pay, with what?' If you’re breathing, you should think about your next breath. You might say today is today, but tomorrow always demands an account. A person isn’t static. Look at me; even getting water tires me out, let alone my youth, gone. So always think about your future."
Tolga smiled bitterly. The questions occupying his mind about missing out on life, not living his youth, wondering if studying too much was actually good, all flew away.
His mother’s words were truer than what everyone else tried to make him think. Yes, maybe he was studying so much that he wasn’t aware of his life or how to have fun. But he was securing his future, a future free of worries about what comes next. He was working now, would work a bit more.
Perhaps there’d be little of his youth left, but in his middle age or old age, he’d face no worries, no weakness. He’d ensure a comfortable and prosperous life for himself, and then those trying to advise him now would beg him for help.
He’d be powerful; hence, what happened now didn’t matter to him. His thoughts escaped in a mumble between his lips,
"Not about what I’ve become but what I will become."
His mother nodded and added, "And also, 'I want to become that,' son."
Tolga nodded, his mother had started with "You’ll understand me, son," and indeed, he had understood her. Smiling at his mother as he passed by her towards his room, she called out, "Weren’t you going out?" Tolga turned to her, seeing the confused woman.
"I am, mom. I’m going to solve some questions outside today; I’m just getting my books."
...
Heading towards the pond, Ayça didn’t let go of her phone, busy ordering a
skateboard she liked. A message distracted her. It was Mustafa’s animated social media post. The beauty contest winner would be announced tonight.
Receiving a bunch of follow requests, Ayça unlocked her account. Tonight, she’d set the pace for her devil's steps with the announced winner. Entering her own account, Ayça removed posts with her dad and uncle. It was time to show her father a distant, harsh reaction. Now was the time to gather wood for hell; no one would burn her before she set everything ablaze.