When the night looks darkest and endless, that's when daylight is closest.
Every night has a morning.
-Halide Edip Adıvar
☁️
Can you feel it? I'm holding your hands. You're a bit better today, but still far away...
☁️⛅️☁️
Two years ago...
We were away from the city again, in a place where there were few people and a lot of sky. It had been a long time. Miraç was watching the scenery silently, without saying a word. He was quieter than usual today. If I didn't know him, I would have thought he was just reserved and quiet, like strangers might say. But I knew him. He had a childhood hidden inside him. And today, it seemed like that child had retreated to a corner. He looked sad...
I wanted to say something, to make him talk. But I couldn’t. Even though he came for me on a day meant to be alone, I couldn’t stand to see him like this.
I watched him. Watched him a bit more. His eyes, shadowed by his black hat, lacked light. His dimple, which didn't vanish from his cheek, didn't show itself even in his slight smiles. Miraç never smiled like that...
"Miraç." I couldn't hold back anymore. My legs, carrying my distant body, moved towards him. "Miraç?"
He tilted his head. After adding a small smile to his face, he turned his gaze to me. "Yes, Mermaid?"
"Are you okay?"
After my question, although he paused for a moment, he broadened the smile on his lips. "Yeah—" He cleared his throat. "I'm fine."
"Miraç." I focused on him as I continued, not lowering the hand I placed on his shoulder. "For two years, you've been trying to keep me alive," I continued. "You gave the Mermaid a pair of wings and flew her above the clouds."
"Did I really manage to do that?"
"Would we be here otherwise?" I smiled. "You brought me here, to this day. But seeing you like this now, I feel bad."
"There's nothing you should feel bad about, Ünseli."
"There is." I quickly responded. Letting my hand fall to my side, I looked into his eyes deeply. As he stood up straight from leaning on the railing, I watched his transition. "Even if you don’t tell me, I can see it."
"Okay... It's an interesting question, but how do you see me right now?" he asked.
"You're not listening to the clouds. If I'm the Mermaid, then you are the Beach of the Seas, Miraç." I looked into his eyes with all my emotions, wanting him to feel his worth to me. "You took the Mermaid from the drowning sea and left her on the breathing sand." I saw him smile, and I smiled back. "But now... The beach isn't sparkling. It's not warm. It's not looking at the clouds. There's something wrong with you. And you're hiding it."
He patiently listened to my words and then pointed to the bench under the giant tree rising from the wooden floor. "Shall we sit?" Without waiting for an answer, we moved to the spot he mentioned. He stood a bit away from me. Removing his hat, he brushed back the hair falling on his face as he looked down. "I'm scared," he suddenly said. "There's such a strange feeling here... It scares me." He dropped the hand that he had placed on his heart to his lap. When his eyes met mine, they looked as if they were seeking help.
"Fear should be the last thing to visit your heart..." I replied in a faint voice, deepening my gaze. "So, what's giving your heart this fear?"
"I can't say." He pulled back. "I can't even tell myself. I can't tell you."
I observed his hesitant actions for a while. This big man in front of me seemed to have retreated into a small room in his heart. We hadn't seen each other for a week, and this was the first time in two years. I felt that this emotion had been with him for the past week. I wanted to reach out to him. Just like he did for me, I wanted to make him listen to the clouds and tell him how strong his soul really was. My words hesitated, but I did not. Slowly, I placed my hand over his eyes. At first, he was surprised but then he just allowed it. He waited.
"Listen," I said. "Listen to the clouds. Just like you taught me."
"Ünseli."
"Listen."
He closed his lips and took a deep breath. Slowly standing up, his chest moved with his next actions.
I could feel his eyelashes under my hand. His eyelids twitched slightly. He was listening. He was giving his attention to the clouds. I could understand him so well right now... Slowly, I pulled my hand away. His eyes were still closed. The calmness descending on his face was knocking on the door of peace.
A ray of sunlight stretching through the clouds slipped between his lashes onto his skin. His skin looked so beautiful, even the incoming ray couldn't compete, it seemed duller... He was too beautiful. I couldn't stop looking at him. The more I looked, the more I wanted to keep looking. Taking advantage of his closed eyes, I closely observed his facial canvas. He had a small nose. His lips were full. His slanted eyes... They looked differently beautiful. The more I looked at his face, the more I wanted to. This desire, which I couldn't understand, had filled the chambers of my heart with intense blood and made the organ beat much faster. Why was I feeling this way... After the first month we met, I had tightly held the strings of the emotions that had merged into my being, but why now, did I feel tied by those strings?
A melancholic feeling settled on my soul. At that moment, I was afraid. I realized that I had made this man who brought me back to life, my whole life. Was I in love? No. This couldn't be called love. My feelings were so different, they needed a name bigger than love.
The wind that took my expression when it blew on my face made me realize that tears had gathered in my eyes. I quickly turned my head. In the moment I wiped away the gathering moisture, I added a smile to my face. I needed to be strong for him. If he opened his eyes and saw me like this, he would abandon his own fear to try to comfort me. Yet he was both my poison and my cure...
He slowly opened his eyes just then. A sparkle settled in his brown irises, racing with his rapidly rising and falling chest.
I straightened the bending edges of the hat in my hand before stepping on my tiptoes and placing it on his head. The smile on my face brought such peace to my body, I couldn't even remember feeling this happy before. Being loved by the one you love. That was the magic of life, I think. "If we're going to look up at the sky... Let our windows be the same."
He smiled. He smiled so beautifully... I added one more to the countless things I admired about him. This man smiled so beautifully.
When he wrapped his arms around my body, it was the first time we had hugged so tightly. My arms wrapping around his strong body were drawing peace from every bit of him. "If we're going to count the stars, let us be infinity."